Voices In The Night
by Fear-The-Spork
Summary: Opposites attract. He's broken and she's not. She'll try and fix him because actions speak a hell of a lot louder than words ever could. Rated M for sexual content, mentions of self-harm, swearing and mental health issues.
1. Chapter 1

_A hundred days have made me older,_  
_Since the last time that I saw your pretty face..._  
_A thousand lies have made me colder,_  
_And I don't think I can look at this the same._  
_But all the miles that separate,_  
_Disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face!_

_I'm here without you, baby!_  
_But you're still on my lonely mind..._  
_I think about you, baby,_  
_And I dream about you all the time!_  
_I'm here without you, baby,_  
_But you're still with me in my dreams._  
_And tonight it's only you and me..._

**3 Doors Down:- Here Without You**

* * *

_~They flank me- Depression on my right and loneliness on my left. They don't need to show their badges. I know these guys very well.~_

_~Elizabeth Gilbert: Eat, Pray, Love~_

* * *

"Juliet, for Gods sake will you please just relax and have a little fun! You're worse than my grandma! Your dad is never going to find out about tonight, we promise. My mom has everything covered! Although when I say '_mom_' I mean Rachel, our maid of course," Sarah giggled loudly, grasping the arm of Juliet O'Hara and yanking her forward with it, even closer to the big double doors. She didn't bother resisting, knowing she'd get an earful if she did.

None of their reassurances appeased her at all.

Not a single one.

How many times had she heard that same sentences from the lips of her friends already tonight? She'd honestly lost count. The cold night air bit at her exposed skin mercilessly and not for the first or last time that evening, she wished she'd managed to grab a sweater or jacket from her room before her friends had turned up and tipped her night upside down. It was mid-January, nine o'clock at night and the chill in the air was bitter.

After all, New York wasn't known for it's toasty warm winters and this one had been more brutal than most. Patches of thick, white snow still lay on the ground here and there and the wind coming in from the coast made the air around them icy and chilled. The sidewalk was deadly with frost and patches of black ice, especially for someone with heels on.

Not the best night for the impromptu trip to insanity her friends were currently leading her on.

For what seemed like the thousandth time that evening she wondered quietly to herself what on earth she'd been thinking coming out to this club. She didn't even _like _clubs. The thumping music and the sleazy men who sidled up to them, thinking they were twenty one and sometimes not even caring that they weren't. The floors were always sticky with God-knows-what and the tables were no better. The line she was currently standing in was out of the door and around the side of the building, the bouncer looked like he'd just been released from prison and if her father ever found out that she was here, she wouldn't see the light of day for the next six months. She may have been nineteen years old, but to her dad she was still the ten year old little girl who had once stolen a glass of his single malt scotch and spent the next eight hours throwing up because of it.

She was still his baby and still treated as such, much to her annoyance. Don't get her wrong, she loved her dad with all of her heart. She loved her mother and her little brothers. They were good people. Honest people. But damn it, she was turning twenty in a months time and he still insisted that she be home by eleven on weeknights. She was about to start a degree, for God's sake. His heart was in the right place but she knew he was still clinging to the image of her in pretty pink dresses and hoping that one day she would ask to come to work with him like she had when she'd been a child.

Although, he'd still been happy about her degree when she'd told him. That was one aspect of their relationship he could agree with her on. he wanted the best education for her and he knew she was smart enough to achieve it.

Safe to say he was thrilled that his little Juliet was getting into University. She'd never seen him quite as proud as the moment when she'd gotten her acceptance letter in the mail. He'd even insisted on her drinking a glass of champagne when any other time he would be aghast at the thought of her drinking alcohol.

In spite of herself, she smiled at the thought of that day and seeing the unabashed pride that radiated from her parents. Even her younger brothers had ceased from making her life hell for a day when she'd told them about it. That was saying something.

"That's the spirit, Julie!" Carla hooked her arm through hers and Juliet snapped out of her thoughts in surprise.

"Hmm?"

Her friend's face fell as quickly as it had brightened. "False alarm, Sarah. I thought she was getting into the spirit but she was just drifting off into her little dream world again," Carla let go and Juliet scowled at their backs, contemplating slipping away and calling a cab to come and pick her up. She had to be up by ten thirty in the morning and if she was late for class, Mr. Lucas would have her head on a platter. He was her dance instructor and an over-zealous one at that, with his odd taste in music and his even worse taste in outfits. Thankfully, her outfits were chosen by another teacher and not him. She didn't think she could dance in something that sported a train like a peacock's feathers.

She tugged at her short dress again, absentmindedly. It was one of Sarah's and it didn't really leave very much to the imagination but the red-head had been insistent that she at least try it on and when it had fit perfectly, they hadn't let her take it off again. She didn't like it at all and she was used to tight fitting clothes. At least her dance costumes were tasteful though. She had a horrible feeling that if she bent over too far in this black monstrosity that she would flash someone and she really didn't need that happening as well tonight.

The trio slipped past the convicted felon of a security guard with relative ease, their make up and dresses making them look at least twenty one. Juliet made sure to avoid eye contact with him because he'd narrowed his eyes in their direction once or twice and it made her nervous.

She expected to feel horribly exposed in this place but the inside of the club wasn't nearly as bad as she'd imagined. It was full of little round tables and chairs that all seemed clean enough and she relaxed when she realized that the floor wasn't sticky at all and there was a pleasant smell of cologne and perfume in the air. Not bad at all. Halfway across the room, the floor raised into a platform with a railing and a little metal staircase that led up to it. She assumed it was the dance floor, seeing as the stage was taking pride of place right in the middle of the back wall. The band were playing something low key and much to her delight and it was the hum of the crowd that made most of the noise.

She might not wake up with white noise in her ears tomorrow after all. Letting herself smile, she followed Carla and Sarah to the bar located to their left. The whole place had a distinctly rock feeling about it, she mused as she surveyed the walls. A signed picture of Jimi Hendrix was hanging above the bar in pride of place and everything else was seemingly arranged around it. Guitars, both acoustic and electric were everywhere, with photos and signed shirts and posters. They seemed to have something signed by everyone from Bowling For Soup to AC/DC and it took her a while before she could tear herself away from the interesting walls.

Carla was not so impressed, much to Juliet's distaste. "Anymore on the walls and they could be a TGI Fridays," she'd scoffed, before blushing when the bartender had cleared his throat and sent an annoyed look her way. Juliet was glad. This place had a pleasant, friendly vibe about it and despite her impressions from the outside, she quite liked it.

A drink was shoved into her hand and when she took a tentative sip, she wrinkled her nose and the alcohol burned her throat. Maybe she should just stay on this one for the rest of the night. It would take her that long to drink it. They found a table easily enough, squeezing through bodies and excusing themselves more times that they could count. Eventually they turned their attentions to the band on stage.

"Damn, God was having a good day when he made them," Sarah muttered, eyeing the men on stage. Juliet had to admit that she was right. They were all very good looking guys, but while Carla and Sarah 'ooh'ed' and 'ahh'ed' over the lead singer and the guitar players, Juliet looked further back on the stage. Her own guilty little pleasure had always been the drummer of a band. Put Eddie Van Halen in front of her and she'd be impressed, sure, but she wouldn't go nuts.

However, put someone like Rick Allen from Def Leppard in front of her and she'd be starstruck and head over heels for him. So her gaze roamed the stage and fell easily onto the drummer at the back. Sure enough, much like the rest of the men on stage, he was very attractive at first glance. But Juliet didn't just glance. No, she kept her eyes on him for three whole songs and everything from the way the muscles in his arms flexed to the way he mouthed the words of the songs that he knew off by heart made her want to put him in her drummer hall of fame.

Much to her disappointment, the band finished shortly afterward and her handsome drummer quickly packed up his stuff and vanished backstage with the other guys. Juliet pouted sadly. Now what was she supposed to do? The next singer on was a woman and while she was pretty and all that, Juliet didn't swing that way and the other men in the room did nothing for her after watching muscular arms masterfully play the drums.

She couldn't even bring herself to curse her little addiction. What harm did it do? She got to ogle a perfectly gorgeous man all night with no consequences, Win-win.

All of the girls had had plenty of offers from eager men in the last hour and a half though. Enough to last Juliet a lifetime if she was honest. She really wasn't interested. She'd been asked to dance several times but had she said yes, she might have missed out on her drummer boy. So she'd politely declined and sent them all packing and miserable.

Carla however, had danced with a few and Sarah had taken up only one offer, telling Juliet that she'd really liked him but she'd later seen him dancing with several other women. It was common knowledge that Sarah didn't share and she didn't take kindly to it. That had been the end of that.

The room had filled up very quickly since they'd arrived and eventually, they couldn't even see the stage anymore. So they went back to talking instead and Juliet found that she was quite enjoying the night if she was honest. Carla and Sarah had relaxed and as a result so had she. Which is why, of course, everything had to go wrong. It was who Carla left them first, telling them that she was just running to the ladies and then vanishing from sight for forty-five minutes. When didn't come back, Juliet went looking and finally spotted her after worried searching. She was- much to her friends chagrin- sitting in the lap of some guy in the corner, cooing over him and letting his hand slide dangerously high along her thigh.

She didn't bother trying to attract her attention away from him.

When Juliet finally made it back to the table to tell Sarah about Carla's whereabouts, Sarah was grabbing her coat and her bag and clutching the arm of a guy who looked as though he'd been a high school football player. Had been being the operative words. He had to be at least thirty and she was immediately on edge.

"Where are you going!?" Juliet asked in alarm and Sarah motioned towards the guy with a '_duh_' look on her face.

"Julie, this is Greg. He invited me backstage! Isn't that exciting!?" she bounced on the balls of her feet, but Juliet was distinctly unimpressed- noting a few other girls sticking close by to Greg. He was clearly scouting out pretty girls to take backstage for the guys. Juliet wasn't an idiot by any means. He would probably go around and tell these lovely women that they'd been chosen to come back stage for some private party. Which was code for- to be used as a sexual item at the bands disposal and wake up the next morning feeling awful- in her book.

She should have guessed. He was far too old to be hitting on a young thing like Sarah and she contemplated telling him that she was only nineteen like herself and not in fact twenty one.

Greg clearly misread to the look of disgust on her face as that of disappointment instead. "Say, you're just what we're looking for too. How about it? Get some pictures taken with the band, have a few drinks maybe?" Juliet scowled in his direction as the lies continued to spill from his lips.

A few of the girls he had with him were already smashed enough to believe anything he said, but not her.

"Oh please," she scoffed. "Why don't you just tell these girls the truth? You're all going backstage because the band members are horny and had to send this idiot to troll on drunken women for them. What a crock," she shook her head and grabbed her jacket, the night taking a sudden sour turn. She wanted to get as far away from this man as possible.

"Look, sweetheart, it's nothing like that at all. Just a few photos and signatures," he grabbed her wrist and her whole body seemed to freeze. This wasn't just sour. This was sinister. She tried to pull away but his grip was tight. It didn't stop her from talking back though and his big red face seemed to contort with anger and annoyance with every word.

"You think just becase these girls and drunk and pretty that they'll want to sleep with the members of the band? You're stupider than you look," she fumed, and she would have gone further had someone not interrupted her. He strolled past, smirking in her direction and her throat went a little dry when she realized it was the same drummer she'd been ogling for a lot of the night.

"Wow Greg, she has you all figured out. She's right too. You are stupider than you look," he winked at her. She didn't say anything as he went back to talking to Greg like he was a three year old. "How about you let the lady go and I won't accidentally punch you in the throat? That would be really unfortunate..." he cocked his head to the side, his tone never wavering from friendly and Greg did as he was told almost straight away. Juliet yanked her hand back with a glare, rubbing her sore wrist and looking as though she was about to throw a punch at his stupid face.

"Good! That's much more pleasant, now isn't it? Now, be a good lackey, leave these girls alone and go tell those stupid fucks backstage that if they want a girl for the night to come and chat one up themselves. If I see any of you rounding up women again for some fake as fuck party, I'll have you out of here so fast you won't even see my boot kicking your stupid ass," he ground out.

While at first it seemed like Greg was going to argue with him because the drummer wasn't nearly as tall as him, he merely grunted out a few choice swear words. "Go fuck yourself, Spencer. They won't be happy when I tell them you ruined their get together." Juliet was oddly surprised when he backed down so quickly.

He however, seemed completely unfazed by the threat. "Well then, you can tell them to kiss my ass, can't you? Run along," he jerked his head towards the stage. Greg sent one last wistful look at some of the more drunk girls before stomping off through the crowd, pushing people out of the way as he went. Juliet watched him go, satisfied that he'd had a thorough telling off before turning to thank their rescuer. Much to her surprise he was halfway through the crowd and heading towards the bar and she had to run to keep up with his long strides.

She motioned for Sarah to stay and followed him.

It was useless calling out to him because of the ruckus and the conversation, but eventually she pushed her way through the throng and made it to the bar stool he was now perched upon. "Hey!" she said, clearly exasperated and a little sad that he was wearing a jacket now and his arms were out of view. For the first time when he turned to her, she noticed his eyebrow piercing and the fact that he had more studs in his ears that she did. He's all stubble and black clothes and if she was honest, had he not just stepped in back there and proven himself to be a nice guy, he'd have been one of those big, scary looking tough guys that she avoided on the streets at night.

"Yeah?" he asked, mild surprise lacing his voice and Juliet swallowed again to try and find her voice when those lovely green eyes fell onto her face. She was annoyingly flustered and she fought to right herself. She was not a child for God's sake!

"Thank you, for what you did back there," she finally got her words out and he seemed oddly confused at her praise.

"You're welcome, I guess."

Well, clearly he was a man of few words and she didn't know why, but she liked it. Very much so. He narrowed his gaze at her when she smiled brightly at him and her smile faltered somewhat. "How on earth did you get past big Frank?" he finally asked after a few seconds of eyeing her over. She frowned. Who the hell was Big Frank- "He's the security guard at the front door," he added, sensing her confusion. Juliet gulped a little, suddenly nervous.

"What do you mean? I'm twenty-one..." she trailed off when his eyebrow rose in amusement and much to her frustration she felt heat rise in her cheeks and give her embarrassment away. She cursed just how easily she blushed around a cute guy.

"No, you're not."

"Well, I'm _almost _twenty-one," she countered in a snarky voice, annoyance coursing through her. Just who did he think he was, talking to her like she was some child to be contradicted? If he hadn't been as handsome as he was or hadn't come to rescue like he had, she would have torn him a new one. She may have been a bit young but it didn't mean she had to be handled with such care.

"Almost, being?" he swirled the beer in his bottle from side to side, watching her reactions from the corner of his eye in a somewhat droll amusement.

"I'm twenty in a month," she ground out, pissed off and suddenly extremely mortified that he'd seen through her whole charade as easily as one could see through glass. How had he even done it? She looked twenty-one and she knew it! The amount of men who had hit on her tonight had been proof of that and so was the fact that she'd even gotten through the door in the first place. He gave an easy smirk that both drove her mad and caused a strange reaction in the top of her thighs.

"So, nineteen then," he answered. She scowled at him and his lips quirked. "I don't mean anything by it," he explained. "Just curious and concerned. Should you really be over here on your own, talking to me? Don't nineteen year old girls have more important things to do than hang out in bars at night?" He signaled the bartender for another beer and added a glass of water to his order as well, motioning for her to sit on the stool next to him. She took the seat, still annoyed and embarrassed.

"It wasn't my idea," she eventually said, sullen and resting her chin in her palm. "My friends wanted to go out and I couldn't say no to them. As for me talking to you, I don't see why not. You just saved a bunch of women from making a huge mistake, so there has to be something nice under all the tattoos and piercings," she shrugged and he seemed oddly impressed. "Besides, you can't be that much older than me," she added.

"I'm twenty three," he nodded and Juliet seemed surprised. He looked younger than that. But then again a four year age gap meant nothing in her eyes. She really was twenty in a month, so technically it was only a three year age gap... Wait, why was she thinking of age gaps with a man she'd met only ten minutes ago? She shook herself, feeling a little silly. When he turned away to take their drinks from the bar man, Juliet examined him a little closer.

He did look younger, but not by much. His jacket didn't cover his hands and she could see scars here and there that must have come from who knows how many fights and scuffles in the past. He was well built though and she could guess that he'd probably won most of them. Maybe that's why Greg was reluctant to start a fight with him over the fate of those women. She took the glass of water that was offered to her, glad of it after a night spent drinking stronger stuff.

"You know," he finally spoke again and she looked up at him. "Those are some pretty lousy friends you have there. I mean, they just hauled you into trouble like that and I know it looks like a decent place, but believe me, it's not. We've had to hire security for the women's bathrooms and we've caught at least three guys spiking drinks in the last two months."

When he mentioned spiking drinks, she eyed her water, suddenly feeling very stupid for accepting it. He chuckled humorlessly when he noticed.

"See what I mean? There's a reason I asked you your age. It's easy to act mature, but you just took a drink off of me and who knows what I could have done to it and your friends are too busy off gyrating on the laps of these idiots to notice if you were okay or not. So," he took her water from her and took a mouthful before giving it back to her. He swallowed easily. "Your drink is fine. My name is Shawn, for future reference and if you need any assistance getting home or if you have any more trouble with guys, you tell big Frank at the door that you're a friend of mine and he'll make sure you're okay."

Juliet really didn't know what to say. She felt like such an idiot for not thinking before she acted. Shawn was about to hop off of the bar stool when she grabbed his arm. "Wait!" he turned in surprise at her shout. "Will you stay and have a drink with me?" she pointed to her water glass and he raised an eyebrow. "Come on, what's the worst that could happen? You've already proven you're a nice guy and it couldn't hurt, could it?"

Shawn seemed to mull it over for a second, before he finally sat back down. "Okay then, blondie, you're on. But, you can't bail on me halfway through the night."

"It's a deal. I'm Juliet."

"Juliet, then." He clinked his bottle with her glass, nodding at her and taking another short sip. She smiled back at him, thinking his half surly, half curious expression oddly attractive. A tiny part of her wanted to start asking a lot of questions right away, like she usually did with new and interesting people.

But she had a feeling that wouldn't go down well with him.

For the next two hours, Shawn proved to her that he while he was indeed the strong silent type he was also really interesting. Although he asked questions now and again, he preferred to listen to her answers more than answer anything himself. What she could glean from talking to him though, was that he'd left home at eighteen and for the last five years he'd been living in the apartment above the bar and earning his money by playing for the band.

She didn't know why exactly but he seemed almost wary of her attention, like he wasn't used to getting it. She found that hard to believe. He may not have partaken in the rest of his band mates activities but that couldn't mean that he didn't have women after him all the time. Still... the way he reacted to her was almost _shy_. He didn't maintain eye contact for long periods of time and he kept running his fingers through his hair and fiddling with things on the bar. It was adorable.

He was a tough, good looking guy who was clearly shy around women and that thought was just so attractive to her.

The longer Juliet stayed next to him and talked to him, the more attractive he became and it wasn't just the whole bad boy persona that was doing it for her either. It was the fact that he was actually looking after her and looking out for her. He hadn't let anyone near her all night and he made sure her drinks were always in sight because apparently she was just what people who spiked drinks looked for in a woman. Innocent looking, sweet and blond. He informed her that they particularly liked blond women. As well as that...

He hadn't hit on her once. No sly grins or stupid chat up lines. He didn't touch her without her permission and he didn't let his eyes linger on her legs for too long and she felt respected. Not a lot of guys would save a girl and expect nothing in return or see how short this stupid dress was and not check her out whenever possible. But he didn't. He was a gentleman even though he didn't look like one.

"So, Juliet..." he finally spoke up at one point and she seemed surprised that he'd been the one to speak but she welcomed it all the same. His voice was warm and deep, almost a purr in his chest and it heated her bones and her stomach. "What do you do with yourself when you aren't sneaking into bars?" he asked, his tone teasing but his eyes still not finding hers. She grinned all the same, thrilled to have him joining in on the conversation.

"I'm working towards a degree at the minute. Well, I'm about to start working for it anyway..." she'd watched as his face fell and his cheeks flushed red. He still couldn't meet her eye as he talked again, almost sadly.

"I guess you're pretty smart then, huh?"

She shrugged, honestly. Confusion shone in her eyes at his response to her being at University. Usually people weren't bothered. There were thousands of University graduates every year and surely he'd considered it at one point? Someone as clever as he was didn't go through life without a good education. He could have gone anywhere if he hadn't left home. After his reaction to her studies, the night wound down pretty quickly around them and Juliet found herself with less time with him that she'd have liked.

The night had passed so soon.

True to his word though, Shawn saw her safely outside and toward the line of cabs waiting for fares. Sarah and Carla had long since abandoned her but she didn't mind. She had company after all. She stood next to the car and his eyes finally seemed to meet her. Warmth trickled through her body when they did. "Thanks for taking care of me tonight Shawn. It was really decent of you," she smiled, brushing hair from her face as her cheeks turned red.

He shrugged off her compliment, smirking. "No problem Juliet. Anything for a pretty face." His cocky attitude was back in place but she didn't mind.

Instead, she kissed him.

He almost jumped in surprise when her hand had balled into a fist in the front of his shirt and her mouth had pressed against his, but he didn't have time to do much else because she was pulling away again, her face blazing even in the cold air. He licked his lips and they stared at each other almost in shock. He dipped in again and found her bottom lip with his, sucking on it lightly. She returned the motion eagerly, moaning into his mouth softly. She pulled away and smiled at him and with that, she whispered goodbye and was in the cab. He waved her off somewhat numbly, eyes still wide and his mouth still tasting of her.

Juliet waved back from the rear window, wondering why she'd suddenly become so brazen and wishing she didn't have to leave him standing alone on the sidewalk.

* * *

Shawn dug his boot into the ground, thrusting his hands deep into his pockets and rocking back on his heels. His breath fogged in front of him in the cold night air. Jesus H. Christ. What had just happened to him tonight? One minute everything had been perfectly normal and the next he'd been deep in conversation with this smart, beautiful nineteen year old who actually seemed to like him.

_"Like you? You? Give me a break, Spencer. Nobody likes you. Even your own mother didn't want you. A woman like that is way out of your league. She's too good for you and she knows it. You won't see her again, so just get that thought out of your stupid head."_

The sing-song voice that cut through his head was vicious and grating and sounded an awful lot like his step-father. He tried his best to drown the voice out as he turned to go back to the club. He sang songs in his head, trying not to listen but failing miserably. He bid the cleaners a quick goodnight in the bar and sang out loud instead as he climbed the long stairs to his apartment. He needed to drown that voice out. He needed to stop listening before he did something he regretted.

_"You never regret it and you can't stop. How pathetic," _it hissed mockingly in his ear and he groaned, kicking his front door shut behind him and throwing his keys violently onto the side table.

Even as he tore his jacket off and twisted the cap from the bottle of scotch he kept near his bed, it still crawled in his skull, biting and sharp and saying words to him he didn't want to hear or believe. He scratched at his arm roughly, fingers finding the familiar bumps and faded scars that sometimes brought him comfort in the night. They were his battle scars to remind him of everything he'd ever survived in his so far short, miserable little life. He'd still survived them though and usually that thought comforted him long enough to get him through to the day light, where the shadows and whispers couldn't reach him as easily and were better drowned out.

Ghosting over them did nothing tonight.

Why did she have to kiss him? Why did she have to give him a shred of hope like that? He'd coped somehow, managed to push away any feelings after she'd told him about her degree. He'd distanced himself from her a bit and he thought it had worked until those luscious soft lips had brushed his and brought it all crashing down. He'd tried so hard not to let her in but she'd been persistent and charming and funny. He hadn't stood a chance when she'd pulled him close.

_"You'd never be good enough for her. You're useless Spencer and useless, worthless things like you don't get to stand in the light with people like her," _the voice, his own personal shadow and running fucking commentator piped in tauntingly. _"Did you really think she wanted you? She probably felt sorry for you..."_

"She liked me," he spoke aloud in the darkness of his room, defying the voice for once and fisting a hand in his hair. "She fucking liked me, I know she did. Why else would she kiss me like that?" he wondered, dipping his head and clenching his eyes shut as he continued the nightly battle with his demons.

_"Is the dog biting back tonight? You're weak Spencer and don't you ever forget that. Do it. Do it, you know you want to. It'll burn and you'll enjoy it. Make me go away. I dare you!" _The bottle of scotch shattered against the wall as the voice became unbearably loud and he screamed, clutching his head in vain before stumbling into the bathroom down the hall. He collapsed against the counter, breathing ragged and shallow. _"Do it! DO IT! Make me go away!" _Louder and louder it squawked and urged him and he scattered the contents of his cabinet everywhere, looking for his relief. His fingers closed over the cold steel and he snatched it up with a heaving sigh of regret.

The very second that the fist drop of blood oozed from his forearm, he was whimpering in relief as the tension left his body. The blade bit deep and it stung but he kept his focus on it and on the pain.

By the time he was done, sitting on the edge of his bath tub and panting slowly, all was silent in his head again.

He threw the blade into the sink and wrapped his arms with a nearby cloth, not even wincing as the material scratched the new cuts. The pain was almost comforting. It reminded him that he was real and that the voice in his head was nothing more than that. A voice. He trudged back to bed, now wishing he hadn't broken the bottle against the wall because it was the last he had and he could have used another drink.

He fell into a fitful sleep as soon as his head hit the pillow; one filled with pretty eyes and soft, warm lips that he would never see again.

* * *

**A/N: Shawn, my baby! Oh God, this hurt me to write it because it's Shawn and he's always so happy and- and... Well yeah, this is that story that I was writing way back. People seemed to like the idea of a BadBoy!Shawn and him being gentle with Juliet so I changed a lot of this story to accommodate that. (See? I do listen sometimes!) So yes, this Shawn has a whole pantheon of demons and problems to battle with along with something else he's hiding. So if you're into Shawn whump and caring Juliet then this story will be for you.  
**

**It might get a little darker but not by much, so you shouldn't have to worry too much if you don't like this kind of thing. **

**Three questions you should ask. What's the deal with Shawn's childhood? What is up with his horror at Juliet going to University? And lastly, will there be smut?**

**I can answer the last one with another question. Am I Fear-The-Spork, the dirty minded reprobate? Yes. Yes I am.**

**Reviews are like voices in your head. They rattle your cage and make you question yourself beyond belief; but only the bad ones.**


	2. Chapter 2

_Prison gates won't open up for me_  
_On these hands and knees I'm crawlin'_  
_Oh, I reach for you_  
_Well I'm terrified of these four walls_  
_These iron bars can't hold my soul in_  
_All I need is you_  
_Come please I'm callin'_  
_And oh I scream for you_  
_Hurry I'm falling, I'm falling_

_Show me what it's like_  
_To be the last one standing_  
_And teach me wrong from right_  
_And I'll show you what I can be_  
_Say it for me_  
_Say it to me_  
_And I'll leave this life behind me_  
_Say it if it's worth saving me!_

**Saving Me:- Nickelback**

* * *

"Juliet! Are you paying attention?" her head snapped up as a voice yanked her from the day dream she'd been swimming in for most of the morning.

A few of the other girls were hiding smiles of amusement but Sarah looked like she was about to keel over and die in a puddle of vomit and Carla hadn't turned up at all that morning for class, which would have worried Juliet had she not received a text at four to say that she was currently getting laid and not to tell anyone. An odd time to send a text though, wasn't it? She shook her head and went back to not listening as another spinning technique was explained. She knew them all already. She'd had to learn them off by heart and practice after practice only saw her improve more.

This would be her last year here, she knew that. They had nothing more they could teach her really. After all, she'd been coming here since she was eleven and if she didn't know it all by now, she never would.

So instead of listening to the birds outside or watching the sun sparkle on the mirrors and the glass, her thoughts went back to the same thing she'd been contemplating all morning. She wanted to see him again. It was insane because he was all she'd thought about. All night, she'd tossed and turned with the taste of his mouth still on hers and the memory of just how pleasurable his lips had felt against her own. They'd been rough and masculine and her hand had been gripping his shirt, she remembered. God, she blushed. She hadn't even been drunk and she'd behaved like a smashed, desperate woman. She'd never pulled a man in for a kiss in her life- let alone so roughly. She'd even been sad when she had to brush her teeth that morning because she lost his taste in her mouth and that upset her. She wondered about him all the way through her quick shower and then again through breakfast. Her father had noticed her distraction but he hadn't said anything about it. Probably best not to.

A million questions raced through her head as class finished for the day and she walked slowly to the changing rooms. Was he thinking about her as well? Did he want to see her again? What the hell was the protocol for a situation like this? She silently cursed herself for not getting his number when she could. She wanted to get to know him more. There was still so much she didn't know about him and was it normal to obsess this much the next morning when you hadn't even slept with the guy?

She wanted to get under that surly, quiet exterior and see what he was like in the daylight. Was he always so shy around girls? Was there a reason? Why had he left home at eighteen and was he lonely sometimes in that apartment all alone? She dropped her bag in her absentmindedness and swore softly, trying to bring herself back to reality. "Are you still thinking about that drummer guy from last night?" Sarah's pained voice materialized over her shoulder and when she'd picked up her belongings from the ground, Juliet turned around with a heavy sigh.

"Sort of. Maybe. Yes, I am. All morning in fact," she admitted. Sarah rolled her eyes incredulously. "What?" Juliet asked when she noticed. "What's wrong with that?"

"Did you sleep with him?"

Only Sarah would ask a question as bold as that and Juliet balked at her loud voice. A few people turned to stare and she grabbed Sarah's arm to drag her away to a quiet corner. "No! We didn't sleep together. I don't do the whole 'sleeping together at first sight' thing remember? Besides, he wasn't like that Saz. No, we just sort of kissed a little bit, that's all..." she trailed off awkwardly, her face burning and giving away just how much she'd enjoyed it. Sarah smirked with a grin to rival Shawn's and Juliet found herself thinking of him once again. She groaned to herself, turning away from Sarah and pressing her head against the cool tiled wall.

"Wow, it must have been one hell of a good kiss if he's got you like this." It had been a good kiss. A very good kiss- hard and soft in all the right places but just nowhere near long enough for her liking. She wanted to kiss him again and if her fantasizing had been anything to go by last night, she was looking to do a great deal more than that. She thanked God that no-one could read her mind or she might have died out of the shame. "You should text him or call him if you're this hung up about him."

"We didn't actually get the chance to exchange phone numbers," she bit her lip, thinking just how dumb she was for not asking him now. She'd had many an opportunity throughout the night and yet every time the thought had never even crossed her mind. She could have kicked herself.

"Well then forget about him, Julie. It's probably for the best. That bar wasn't even all that great and he's probably just some drunk anyway. Your dad would freak if you brought a guy like that home," Sarah shrugged it off, clearly not understanding Juliet's predicament. She let out a frustrated noise in the back of her throat, grabbing her bag and pushing past Sarah to get to the hallway. She didn't want to forget about him and she didn't care what her father thought. It was her life and she wanted to see him smirk at her again in that knee-weakening way and she wanted to listen to him talk, low and rumbling like he had the night before. Why couldn't Sarah understand that? It had been so long since she'd found someone that she wanted to spend time with in that way. Shawn had an odd magnetism about him that seemed to draw her closer even when he didn't try.

She had to see him again.

With no other thought in her head, not even about what she would say to him when she did see him, she hitched her bag over her shoulder and walked determinedly towards the exit. She avoided anyone who looked like they wanted to talk and Sarah didn't even look as though she was going to follow. Juliet felt a guilty sort of relief wash over her as she left her friend behind in the hallway. Sort of reminiscent of how they'd abandoned her the night before. She needed a clear head to do this and Sarah babbling in her ear wouldn't help her at all. So, slipping into her little green car, she started it up and headed in the direction of the bar. She had no clue if it would be open today or not, or if it even opened this early but it couldn't hurt to try could it? Even then, she could just go back that night and find him couldn't she?

She was determined not to let this go. She'd felt the connection and she was sure that he had as well. It can't have just been her.

It took her half an hour to travel what should have been a mere ten minute journey and she cursed the traffic the whole way there. It was just turning twelve thirty, the lunch hour approaching and the chill in the air was much less noticeable during the day. The sun was strong in the sky and the snow was melting, but she still pulled her jacket tight around her as she walked through the parking lot and towards the front doors. There was no-one guarding them like there had been last night and she stood for a moment or two, wondering what she should do now she was here. She'd hadn't thought this far ahead.

Should she knock? Should she rattle on the doors until someone answered? That didn't seem like such a good idea when she thought back to some of the people she'd seen hanging around the night before.

The people inside were more than likely night people rather than day dwellers. She knocked softly at first, unable to see through into the main room because the glass on the heavy doors was blacked out for whatever reason. When no-one answered, she rapped louder, knuckles stinging in the cold and with every blow against the glass. "Hello? Is there anyone in there?" she called out, glad that there wasn't a soul to be seen on the street outside. Her knocking got progressively louder but still no-one answered her calls.

She was about to give up and sullenly go home, when the door was wrenched open in her face and her hand was left hanging in mid-knock. Before her stood a tired looking brunette, shorter than her and with an expression on her face that was none too welcoming. She spoke quickly, before Juliet could get in a word. It seemed like they got a lot of people knocking on the door for various reasons."Okay. Let me run you through the check list really quickly. Our health inspection isn't due until next month, so don't try that one. We've already found Jesus- he was passed out on a beer keg out the back and he's actually pretty cool- and the last time I bought volcano insurance we got hit with a fucking earthquake instead. I was not compensated for my mistake. Thank you very much for calling, have a nice day!"

Juliet only just managed to catch the big door before it was closed in her face again. She pressed her palms against it and pushed.

"Wait, wait!" she called and the brunette girl gave her an annoyed look. "Look, I really sorry to bug you but I'm actually looking for someone. He said he lived here. His name was Shawn Spencer and he's the drummer with one of your regular bands? Is he here?" The look of annoyance quickly melted away into one of both surprise and confusion. Juliet didn't know what else to say as the girl stood staring at her in awe like she'd just offered to move the building slightly to the left. "Should I come back?" she asked hesitantly. "Is now not a good time or something?" she spoke slowly and it took a few more seconds of open mouthed staring before the girl finally seemed to snap herself out of it.

She shook her head and ruffled her hair with her fingers before pulling herself together.

"Sorry! Yeah, come on in," she ushered her inside and Juliet took a few seconds to adjust to the dark of the main hall. "It's just we don't get a lot of visitors during the day and a visitor for Shawn the Surly is like seeing a sheep that neighs. Doesn't happen," she motioned to a table for Juliet to sit down and the blond accepted the offer graciously. Her legs were beginning to hurt now as the strain of the days lessons began to tug and cramp in her muscles. It happened without fail and she was suddenly glad that she only had lessons three times a week. "Look, you wait here and I'll go and get him for you, okay? He should be awake by now..." she glanced at her watch with a frown. "I hope. Can I get you a drink or something before I go?"

"No, I'm fine. Thank you very much!" Juliet called after her she exited through a side door next to the bar. While it had been a strange encounter, Juliet wasn't too worried. She assumed those were the stairs to Shawn's place and her stomach fluttered with anticipation at seeing him again. What would she say to him? Would it be too bold to ask him out on a date? After all, he might not like her in the cold, unromantic light of day. She pushed those thoughts aside and crossed one leg over the other, reclining in her seat.

Well, she would soon find out, wouldn't she?

* * *

Shawn snorted awake, face down in his pillow with a groan. Someone was knocking on his door at- he looked at his watch- quarter to one? What the fuck? He growled out a few swear words, scratching his stomach and rubbing his eyes as he rolled out of bed and stumbled towards the door unsteadily. There was a good chance he was going to kill whoever was on the other side of it. Well, maybe he would spare Gus an untimely death but anyone else was going to regret waking him before two o'clock. He was pitifully exhausted from the previous night. He hadn't slept much after three when he'd been jerked awake by a barking dog outside. He'd tossed from side to side, thinking about the burning pain in his arms and then about Juliet and that gorgeous smile of hers.

The smile that she'd directed at him. He groaned loudly again, trying his best to get his mind off of the girl he would probably never see again. What was his fucking malfunction? Was he a closet masochist? Or was he just a glutton for punishment by tormenting himself with things he could never hope to achieve? Whatever the case, he decided he hated it even more than he hated himself. Kicking over a box next to his door violently, he wrenched the thing open so hard it almost cracked right off of it's hinges.

"What!?" he barked at a somewhat shocked Chloe who was standing wide eyed at the sight of him behind the door.

"Holy hell, what's your problem!?" she snapped back at him, taking in his bloodshot eyes and pissed off expression. Shawn glowered at her but offered no explanation. She was his landlord after all and when he hadn't had a place to go, she'd helped him back on his feet with free accommodation and a steady job. But it still didn't mean he wanted to see her face before two o'clock. He jabbed an accusing finger at his watch and she squinted at it before realizing her mistake. "Well fucking sue me, Shawn," she threw her hands up into the air, not impressed by his attitude. "The rest of us manage to drag our sorry asses out of bed before midday and you shouldn't be any different. Anyway, get yourself dressed and get down to the bar."

"I'm not going down to the bar today," he ground out, turning on his heels and walking back into his apartment. She took it as a good sign when he didn't slam the door in her face and she followed him inside, grimacing at the state of it when she turned into the living room.

"When the hell did you trash this place?" she asked with a deep, exasperated sigh. Bending over to pick up a shard of glass from his once nice coffee table, she threw it onto the pile with the rest. He shrugged and she realized it had probably been a few days ago. Swearing softly to herself, she kicked aside an aging picture frame and watched as he collapsed back onto the couch and closed his eyes. He groaned and realized he was about to get another lecture. Why couldn't people just leave him alone? If people stopped caring then maybe he'd have to courage just to end it all and right now he didn't care how selfish that sounded. Maybe if he cut himself off from Gus and Chloe then they would leave him alone long enough to starve to death and he would finally be content.

She scowled, marching forward and yanking his curtains open. The stream of white sunlight hit his tired eyes and he yelped in frustration, annoyance and pain. It did nothing but make his headache worse and illuminate the mess of his living room. He didn't even remember doing it, if he was honest. He must have been really smashed when he had. Chloe was just as unforgiving of his misery as the light was. "When the hell are you going to pull yourself together Shawn? I'm sick to death of having to help you get new furniture every few weeks. When are you planning on sorting your life out?"

"When I'm dead," he moaned, pulling a cushion over his face to try and block out her nagging. Chloe loved to nag him and while her heart was in the right place and she tried to force him into a better lifestyle, most of the time he just wanted to be left alone. But he supposed that without her nagging, he wouldn't have his job or his apartment- even though he had trashed it again. "The sooner the better," he continued, his muffled voice coming through the cushion and she gave a heavy sigh, flopping onto the couch next to him and patting his knee. He was glad she'd stopped. That meant she was getting tired of helping. That meant he was one step closer to getting her to stop caring and one minute baby step towards relief.

"Don't say stupid shit like that. You really want to die and leave Gus and I behind? We're your friends Shawn and that voice in your head can't change that. So come on Spencer. You're better than this and you know it. Get yourself dressed and get down there. She won't wait all day for you," she sighed. She'd been through this speech quite a few times before. However, instead of the usual sad look of resignation, his head snapped up and he threw the cushion away with force.

Chloe seemed genuinely surprised at his reaction, ducking out of the way as it hit the TV and it swayed dangerously.

"Who won't wait all day?" he was sitting up straight now, his attention fully on what she was saying for the first time since she'd come upstairs. Chloe became flustered, remembering that she hadn't actually gotten the girls name having been so shocked at her request that she'd forgotten to ask it at all. She cursed her inability to think. "Uh, a girl called here for you about five minutes ago. She's waiting down in the bar. I said I would come up and get you but she didn't say much else..."

"A girl?" he seemed alarmed and very alert, like he'd just gulped down a whole flask of coffee. She hadn't seen him move this much unless he was on the drums and that didn't count seeing as it was second nature to him by now. Moving into her personal space, he spoke slowly. "Chloe, think really hard and try not to forget a single detail okay?" he grasped her upper arms and shook her a little bit. Was it possible that it was her? Had Juliet actually come back to see him? No, that was impossible. Why would she want to see him again? There were guys falling over themselves for her so what chance could he possibly have? All the same though, he bounced a little bit in his seat and Chloe looked at him as though he was madder than he actually was. "What exactly did this girl look like? Hair color?"

"Well, she's blond and-"

That was all he needed to hear. He cut her off mid- sentence and threw himself away from the couch and towards his bathroom to get dressed. Even if she'd only stopped by because she'd left something the night before, he didn't care. _"Why would she come back for something like you?" _the whisper in his ear startled him and he dropped his toothbrush into the sink with a clatter. No, no it was day time now and it couldn't touch him during the day. It never touched him during the day. He shook his head and went back to brushing his teeth.

_"Can't touch you? I am you, you stupid fuck. You'll never be free of me and you think remembering some little bitch is going to help you? You're worse than I thought."_ He gripped the sides of the sink until his knuckles turned white. One hand went to his arm and he dug his fingers against the cuts until pain was rushing over him and drowning out the voice. It was muffled now and he refused to listen.

"Shut up, shut up, shut up," he whispered to himself, noticing his haggard look in the mirror for the first time. When had his eyes begun to look so dead exactly? When was the last time he'd really smiled? A real smile that wasn't just for cover. When was the last time he'd actually been happy? It was a distracting thing to think about and he found much to his horror that he couldn't even remember it clearly. It was something to do with twinkling lights. He could remember those. Little things that sparkled in the night time, different colors and warmth all around him. Everything else was blurred, blocking him out. He huffed gently, pulling himself away. It would do nothing to dwell on stupid memories that would bring him nothing but more pain.

Chloe waited patiently for him by the door, her confusion and amusement evident as she listened to him gargle and mess around in the next room. What the hell was happening to him in there? In the bathroom, Shawn showered as quickly as he could and only towel dried his hair before turning his attention to just what to do with his arms. They were a mess and he was suddenly glad that he'd worn his jacket in front of her the night before. What would she think if she saw how many scars ran over his skin?

She'd be disgusted, he thought hurriedly.

He pulled on a pair of jeans and a tee-shirt before re-wrapping his forearms to cover the cuts from the night before. When he was satisfied that they couldn't be seen, he gingerly tugged on an old leather jacket that was hanging on the back of his door before emerging and brushing himself down. He pushed past Chloe in the doorway, tossing her his key and she stared after him in amazement. She'd never seen him quite as eager or as well groomed before. Well, it was certainly a start, whatever the hell may be going on.

She locked his door for him and followed behind, taking the staircase far more carefully than he did. She wondered how he hadn't broken his neck yet when he'd been on a bender and had to make the climb to his apartment. She assumed he was so used to the hallway by now it was probably second nature to him to avoid the trick step without the railing or the various other dangers that could befall someone drunk.

He didn't pause when he'd jumped the last two stairs, just heading right for the door and hoping that he hadn't kept her waiting for too long. He felt like he should reign himself in a little because he didn't want to freak her out and what if she had just come back because she'd forgotten something the night before? But then again, why had she asked Chloe to come and get him? It was Gus who handled the lost and found store, not him.

He spotted her in a chair across the room and his heart stuttered in his chest before resuming it's normal pace.

Christ, he thought to himself. She was so beautiful in the light of the day.

The sunlight was filtering through the high stained glass windows and illuminating her, dust motes spiraling in the air around her. She was sitting with one leg crossed over the other and her nose buried in a book. That made him falter for an entirely different reason and his excitement suddenly left him. What if she found out? She would laugh at him like everyone else did. She wouldn't want anything to do with him and he suddenly felt like the worst kind of idiot in the whole world. What had he expected when he'd bounced down here like a child? Had he expected her to smile at him and accept him for what he was? What future could he possibly have envisioned for them? Hiding himself and all of his secrets away from her and then pleading for her to understand when he went through one of his episodes?

What if he hurt her when he was trashing things and breaking things and trying to fight off the voice that haunted his thoughts? He could never live with himself if that happened.

He swallowed roughly, turning his head away and looking at the door back to his apartment. If he could just get to it without her noticing him then maybe he could get Chloe to convince her that he wasn't worth the time. Maybe he could, if he could just get to the door- His foot collided with a bar stool and he swore to himself when she looked up and placed her book back on the table. "Shawn! Hi again," she smiled brightly and he melted on the spot. Oh that smile... That smile could start wars, so dangerous and so beautiful at the same time.

"Hi," he muttered, his foot still throbbing with pain but hey, to him pain was good. Pain meant he felt real for once. He walked towards her table a little more carefully this time and spun the seat opposite to her around. He straddled it and planted his elbows on the table top. She didn't take her eyes off of him and he knew that his face was probably red by now.

"Did you hurt yourself?" she asked, motioning to his foot but he just shook his head, far more concerned with how he was going to resist her if she smiled a him again. He was already being weak just by sitting here with her and by not leaving like he should. What had he been told by his shadow last night? Things like him didn't belong in the sunlight with people like her. She was glowing in the afternoon sun and he dreaded to think what he must look like next to her.

He hoped beyond hope that he could get through this without fucking up. Maybe she would forgive the state of him if he was charming. He almost laughed at himself for that. What the hell did he know about being charming?

* * *

Juliet was flustered at just the sight of him, still frustratingly quiet and disheveled as he sat across from her. He was back to avoiding her gaze again, even after he'd managed it when she'd kissed him the night before. Remembering just how forceful she'd been had her blushing again. He noticed, dragging his eyes over her cheeks and then back onto her mouth. The fact that he had seemed to frustrate him and he tore his eyes away. He looked so handsome in the daylight, she mused. His eyes were tired and his hair was sticking up in every sort of direction like he'd just washed it. His chin and jaw were covered in stubble and she could smell his shower gel from here. He smelled delightful to her. He was all dark clothes and leather but the piercings didn't look anywhere near as intimidating as they had the night before.

"Look, I know you probably weren't expecting to see me again and I'm sorry if I disturbed you or anything... I- I just wanted to stop by and ask you something," she played with her hands, not looking up for fear that she would finally burst a blood vessel if her face went any redder. She heard him shift in his seat and he pulled a beer mat towards him, tearing at the corners nervously. Bit's fell from his hands as he tore at it.

"Ask away," he answered and she let her lips curl up into a grin. Could this man be any sweeter?

"Would you maybe like to go out on a date with me?" Juliet made sure to watch his reaction and she was fairly amused by it. His fingers lost their grip on the beer mat and it fluttered back onto the table top while his eyes went wide as saucers and he finally managed to meet her gaze again. Her stomach tightened. God, those eyes could do things to her. He quickly realized his mistake and looked away again, scratching the back of his head nervously. He looked like a lost puppy and she decided to give him an out if he wanted to take it. "Look, I'll understand if you don't want to, okay? It was just... I really do like you and I thought since you kissed me back that you might like me too," she explained quickly in the hopes that she hadn't freaked him out too much.

"Well, it's just-" he seemed to struggle to find the words. "Why me? I mean I'm hardly date material Juliet. I doubt you'd want to take someone like me back to meet your folks. I'm older than you and I doubt many people would approve," he rambled, desperate to put her off of him and it was the most he'd spoken since the first incident with Greg the night before. Even then he hadn't been talking directly to her and she found the lull of his voice almost pleasurable. It was unfair to have such a weapon at his disposal. Especially when it sent shivers right to the top of her thighs.

"Shawn, three years and a month hardly makes you a sugar daddy," she raised her eyebrow at him when she caught him struggle to hide a smile at her joke. "My parents don't run my life and what exactly do you mean '_someone like you_'? Shawn, you were amazing last night for me and my friend. Come on, don't make me beg," she added with a smirk, planting her chin in the palm of her hand and not taking her eyes off of his face for a second. "You don't even have to do anything. All you have to do is meet me after my dance class tomorrow and we can go see a movie or something," she persuaded and she could practically see the moment his resolve crumbled under her assault.

"One date?"

"If you haven't already fallen head over heels for me by the end of it then I promise I'll leave you alone, if that's what you want..." she ducked her head, finding the way his appearance clashed so vividly with his personality so very amusing and adorable. He was so shy but to look at him you would think that he would have jumped at the chance she was offering. Hell, she was practically begging him for a date and while she should have been embarrassed with herself, she found that as long as he said yes, she didn't care.

"I don't want you to leave me alone," he muttered softly and she bit her lip to keep from giggling. He finally gave her a smile, glancing up and running two hands over his hair to try and tame it. It didn't work and she was glad. She liked it like that. He looked as though he'd just rolled right out of bed and now that she thought about it, he probably had. "If you're really sure Juliet, then yes, I'd love to go on a date with you," that frustrating smirk was back in place and gone was the shy man who had been sitting there before. He could change his moods so quickly it amazed her.

"I'll take you somewhere nice, if you don't have any other plans during the day. Where's your dance school? Just so I can pick you up?" he asked and she gave him the address.

"Do you want to write it down?" she asked but he shook his head furiously in response.

"Nah, I can remember it. I promise," he laughed softly. "Here," he passed her his phone. "My number is on there somewhere. You can call me anytime, if you want to..."

"I'll text you, if you like." He looked oddly alarmed but said nothing against the matter, just nodding instead. While she had it, Juliet programmed her number into his contacts as well noting just how few numbers he had in his phone. There was someone called Gus, another called Chloe, one for Marcus and now one for her that she put under Juliet. She clicked his phone off and handed it back to him with a smile, their fingers brushing. "About that kiss, last night," she finally said and he raised an eyebrow in her direction, slipping his phone into his pocket. "I just want you to know I'm not normally that forward with guys. I hope you didn't mind."

"I didn't mind in the least Juliet," he let out a low, breathy laugh and reclined in his seat. "I _really _didn't mind. It was a nice change of pace to be honest. You're a wonderful kisser and you certainly weren't shy about it." It was her turn to struggle meeting his gaze for once even though it was nice to hear him laugh. "Look, we both know that someone like me won't be good for you Juliet and for the life of me I have no idea why you want to go out with me. But I'm going to be selfish here and agree anyway because I really like you too. So I'll be there tomorrow. You can count on it," he nodded and she played with the ends of her hair, trying not to beam from ear to ear. "By the way, I hope you know what you're getting into..."

"Try me."

* * *

When he'd escorted Juliet back to her car and received another kiss on his cheek this time for his trouble, Shawn knew he was in too deep to get out again. He was a hopeless case and there was no helping him anymore. He couldn't even help himself for God's sake. What did people even do on dates? He hadn't had a date in three years because of his last experience. He'd really liked the girl and they'd gone out to some fancy restaurant because he'd wanted to try and impress her. It hadn't ended well. She'd caught one glimpse of his arms and she'd left him sitting there at the table without an explanation. He hadn't needed one. He knew why. So he became even more hateful and bitter about the world, cursing his anger and father and his mother and everyone who he'd ever known.

The voice in his head had screamed and he'd been so drunk by the end of the night that he hadn't even made it back to his apartment. Gus had found him at the bar, snoring on it. He hadn't left his apartment for a few days after that.

Chloe was waiting for him when he got back but he ignored the knowing smirk on her face, instead heading out backstage to find Gus so he could spend his time with someone who wouldn't question why Juliet had been there in the first place. As happy as he was about their date, he didn't want to jinx it by getting too excited about it. He wanted to keep it to himself because if he told people, if he bragged that he actually found a girl who liked him- surly attitude and all- then he knew he'd do something to fuck it up and he would never hear the end of it.

Greg would have a field day and Chloe would threaten to fire him because no-one made fun of Shawn when she was around. Which would lead to his band mates resenting him even more than usual.

So, in spite of his excitement he managed to keep his mind off of her for the rest of the afternoon by volunteering to help shift some of the heavier boxes backstage. He wasn't playing tonight and he could afford the time after all. He was surprisingly upbeat with everyone who came into contact with him and for once, the voice stayed silent enough to let him focus. There were still whispers racing around his head but he forced himself to not listen.

He was very grateful for the reprieve. If things didn't go well tomorrow then he had a horrible feeling that he wouldn't be sleeping again for a few months.

* * *

**A/N: Has anyone worked out Shawn's other secret yet? There are a few minor hints here and there in this chapter. He seems convinced that if Juliet finds out about his little cutting habit that she'll be disgusted with him. What do you guys think? Nothing much else to say about this chapter other than I still want to hug Shawn to death and say sorry for giving him so many demons. At this rate I won't be allowed to play with Steve Franks characters anymore.**

**I wasn't actually planning on doing song lyrics all the way through, but some lovely awesome people left me a few songs in reviews to use. So I did!**

**Reviews are like being a bat just out of hell. Fucking cold.**


	3. Chapter 3

_I'd never tell you one lie, I'd never let you down_  
_I'd never leave, I'd be the one who'd always be around_  
_Baby give me a chance_

_I'd pull the sun out from the sky to light your darkest night_  
_I wouldn't let one drop of rain fall down into your life_  
_Put your heart in my hands_

_Believe me baby, I could never do you wrong_  
_And I would never paint your world blue_  
_And if sometimes it seems I must have lost mind_  
_I might be crazy but I'm crazy about you..._

_I'd lie for you and that's the truth_  
_Do anything you want me to_  
_I'd even sell my soul for you_  
_I'd do it all for you_  
_If you'd just believe in me_

**Meatloaf:- I'd Lie For You (And That's the Truth)**

* * *

Much to his surprise, Shawn awoke at eleven the next day. He squinted under the glare of sunlight that came through the window and realized that he hadn't even bothered to shut his curtains the night before. Touching his bottom lip, he winced, drawing back his fingers to find them sticky with blood. He swore loudly. He could hardly go out on a date with Juliet with a busted lip, could he? He could hardly remember how he'd even managed it in the first place. He vaguely recalled another drunken lout screaming abuse but when he tried to think of someone swinging a punch, his mind went blank. He really should stop drinking so much, he mused, kicking away an empty bottle next to his feet. It rolled away with a clatter as he slipped out of bed, standing up and stretching.

He hadn't gone out looking for a fight last night. Then again, violence always seemed to find him even when he didn't want it.

The bathroom door swung open with a bang and he quickly shoved his boxers into the laundry hamper, noting that it was starting to get full. He'd take it all down to the washrooms before he left. Hitting the shower tap, it powered on and the water pelted down with ease. That was one thing he could always say about this apartment. There was always strong, hot water when he needed it and a good heating system in place for the winter months. Chloe didn't scrimp on the comfort and luxuries and he often wondered if it was the tenant's heating costs that meant she was out of pocket some months.

He didn't dwell on it because he really didn't have the time. He was picking Juliet up from her dance class in a little over an hour and he didn't want to be late. He wanted to be there, standing and waiting for her when she came out just to prove that he could get there on time if he tried.

The hot water stung his lip when he turned his face upwards into the spray but he didn't even wince. The water warmed his skin and he snatched up his shampoo from the shelf and squirted a liberal amount on top of his head.

While he was working it into a lather, his thoughts turned back to Juliet. Or more importantly, what he was going to do about Juliet and the fact that she enjoyed kissing him. Be it on the cheek or the lips, she'd done it twice now and he couldn't say that he didn't enjoy it because he had. Those gorgeous blue eyes shining and her lips so very soft against his. She'd teased him, almost letting his tongue in the second time when he'd sucked on her bottom lip. He wondered to himself what it would be like to kiss her deeply. Really deeply, with tongues and teeth and her moaning in his ears. His hands on her soft hips, pulling her closer and curving her smaller body against his- He felt his length twitch with arousal and opened his eyes to shake himself out of it. "None of that," he muttered to himself, glancing down. "Calm yourself down boy. This girl is going to be treated like she should be." With that, he dragged his thoughts away from just what she would feel like under his fingertips and jumped out after rinsing his hair.

He gelled his hair until he found it acceptable before finding something to wear that wasn't black. That wasn't an easy feat by any means. He eventually found a dark green tee-shirt that he hadn't worn in months and a pair of his lighter jeans. His jacket would cover his arms just fine, he decided. The cuts from two nights ago weren't nearly as angry and red as they had been, but they still stood out over his other scars and there was no way he could go without sleeves around Juliet.

He was just pulling the shirt over his head when there was a polite, easy knock on his door. He knew who it was before he'd even opened it. "Hey Gus, what's up?" he asked, swinging the door open to find his friend and confidant standing in the hallway with a basket of washing in his arms.

"Hey- ooh man, that looks painful," he motioned to Shawn's split lip. It was a little swollen but he'd washed the dried blood from his chin and it didn't look too bad anymore. Shawn shrugged his concern off. "Do you remember how you got it?" Clearly Gus did and to Shawn, it looked like he was dying to tell him everything about the night before. Shawn shook his head, fighting back a smirk. God, he loved Gus. He really did. When he'd first arrived here and begged of a room from Chloe, it had been Gus who had swung it for him in the end. Although Chloe's apprehension hadn't lasted too long, Gus had been his friend from the start. Shawn often wished he'd had someone like Gus when he'd been growing up. Maybe then he wouldn't be as fucked up as he was now. "Dude, it was amazing. You were pretty smashed and this big giant guy- he looked like he should be climbing the Empire State Building-" he added and Shawn threw his head back in a laugh.

"Well, he pushed past you and spilled your drink over another guy right?" Shawn had absolutely no recollection of this but from Gus' excitement, it must have all been true enough if a little embellished. "The guy with your drink over his shirt turns around and punches you in the face, completely out of order right? No call for it if you ask me. So, there's blood all over your face and by the time our security guards get over to you, you, King Kong and Mr. Punch are starting a full out brawl." Shawn winced at that. Chloe was going to kill him without a single mercy. She only had two rules in the bar. Don't dance like a twat and don't start brawls. One of which he'd broken and he was sure Gus had broken the other one at some point in his life.

"Is Chloe pissed off at me?" he asked and it was Gus' turn to laugh loudly, much to Shawn's confusion.

"Pissed? Nah. You didn't start it and she knows that. Hell, she threw the second punch for crying out loud!" Shawn leaned forward, suddenly very eager to hear the rest of the story. Chloe had punched someone? That was new. "Big Frank pulled you off of King Kong and while he was busy, the guy who punched you said something about you. I can't really remember what it was but I remember everyone went really quiet. Up to then, Chloe had been trying to calm everyone down so nothing would get broken but when she heard what he'd said... I've never seen her punch someone in the face before but damn, it was the most amazing thing you've ever seen! Then she called over the rest of security and told them to throw him in the dumpster out back. Funniest thing I've seen in years."

"Wha-at?" Shawn held up his fist and Gus bumped it with his. Brotherly love indeed, Shawn thought warmly. "Well, that explains my lip thank God. At least I didn't start it this time. Is Chloe alright?" he asked, grabbing his jacket from behind the door. It snagged on the hook but he yanked it off anyway, hoping he hadn't ruined it. He ran a hand over the leather with a sigh of relief. It was fine.

"She was a bit roughed up by the time they'd wrestled him outside. He got her in the face but she's okay. She says having a shiner adds to the ambiance of the place," Gus shrugged, leaning against the door frame with a grin. "Speaking of women... She told me all about that girl yesterday. Is that why you're up and dressed before midday?" he asked, knowing full well it was the reason. Shawn groaned loudly.

"Come on man, don't make me tell you stuff. I don't want to jinx it. We have a date in-" he checked his watch. "Forty-five minutes and I can't be late." He was hoping Gus wouldn't push it because if there was one person on earth who he couldn't lie to, it was Gus. Fair play to the other man though, he knew what not to ask Shawn about. He never raised the question of his life before the bar and he didn't question the cuts or the fights or the drinking. He knew all too well that Shawn didn't want to think about it and if he asked, he would _have_ to think about it.

So he didn't ask.

There were times Shawn cursed his name because having Gus meant that he had a tie to the world. It meant that he couldn't just down a bottle of whiskey and a whole packet of pills because then who would look after his best friend? Who would keep Greg off him and stop him from being picked on? Gus wasn't like the other people who worked in the bar. He was softer, less used to life and hardships. He liked books and poetry and for that he was given a hard time. Until Shawn came along and put a stop to it. They were all too scared of him to try anything else. In all honesty, he and Gus needed each other just as much. It was a good thing sometimes. It kept him grounded.

"So, do you like her?" Gus asked, following him when he shut his door with a click and walked along the corridor. Shawn snorted a laugh and nodded.

"Very much, Gus. She's amazing and beautiful. She actually asked me out and she wasn't intimidated by me. Makes me a change doesn't it? Anyway, she's a student and she takes dance lessons. That's where I'm picking her up from today..." he found it all spilling out and he sighed. Well, it was out there now, wasn't it? No point in trying to hide how excited he was now.

As they walked down the stairway side by side, Gus seemed pleased for his friend. "Does she know about..." he motioned into the air and Shawn shook his head roughly. He swallowed. "Are you going to tell her?" Again he shook his head, eyes falling to the floor. He'd forgotten about that. "You should. If she's as amazing as you say she is then she'll understand dude. I don't know why you don't do something about it and get yourself out of this mess man. You're better than this and you know it. Hopefully this girl can make you see that." Shawn thought over his words and he wished that the voice in his head was as kind as Gus was.

"You really think she'd understand Gus? You don't think it would embarrass her to be seen with someone like me?" he looked oddly pathetic as he stood waiting for Gus to reassure him. "What if she thinks I'm stupid? I've got to tell her that and then I have to tell her about this too," he motioned to his scarred arms. Gus looked upset, laying a hand on his friend's shoulder. "I really like this girl Gus. She's different. She's upper class, man. Gorgeous and clever and stunning. Fucking hell, listen to me. I feel like a teenager going on his first date," he slumped against the wall, running a hand over his face. Gus laughed softly and leaned next to him.

"I think... you won't know until you try. So go and try. Make her see the person you can be. Not the person you were," they stayed silent after that for a few minutes. Shawn eventually coughed loudly, scratching the back of his neck and looking anywhere but Gus. Gus was doing the same until they burst into laughter, Shawn pulling him in for a quick hug of gratitude. "I feel like I should go and do something manly after that," Gus slapped his back and Shawn nodded. The door to the bar creaked open and Chloe poked her head around. Shawn winced at the sight of her black eye.

"Are you two going to stand there and be girls all day or are you going to go and get her?" she asked, clearly having been listening in. Shawn's sympathy was short lived and he pushed her shoulder on the way past. "Nice lip," she pointed out and he thumbed the cut without much thought.

"Nice eye," he retorted.

"Touche'," she muttered snarkily. "Okay, come on Gus. You're helping me out in the basement today. We need to move the barrels over so we can check the boiler. You," she patted Shawn's back and pushed him towards the door. "Go and have a good time. Where are you taking her exactly?" she asked, steering him towards the front door. Shawn shrugged.

"I thought maybe to see a movie? Is that okay?" he wondered aloud, looking for approval that he was doing the right thing and she nodded.

"Good choice. She likes you Spencer. So go and enjoy it." With that, she shoved him out of the building and slammed the door behind him. He heard her call through the glass. "And be yourself!" Easier said than done, he shook his head in faint amusement. These were the rare times he cherished having friends like them.

* * *

He walked to the address that Juliet gave him through the lunch hour traffic and the rude people that shoved past without saying excuse me. Shawn didn't look at any of them. He stayed invisible and even with the piercings and leather he was still generally unseen. He liked it better that way. He was crossing the street, two blocks away from Juliet's school when he happened upon a scene that left him deep in thought for the rest of the journey.

"Mommy! Can I get that one!?" he watched the little boy tug gleefully on his mothers hand, pointing to the ice cream shop. It was still cold out but kids were kids. They didn't feel the weather like adults did.

He was a messy haired little guy, much like him and when he glanced up at the mother his breath caught in his throat.

God, that was uncanny and his chest tightened. The woman looked just like her. She had the same kind face and the same soft smile. Her hair was up in a bun and even the color was nearly the same. It startled him and he almost walked into a mailbox, before righting himself. There had been a second there, for even the briefest of moments he'd thought that it was really her. He thought she was going to sweep over and hold him, call him '_Goose_' and ruffle his hair like she used to. His breath hitched in his throat and the back of his eyes burned as he forced back memories of what once was. He made himself walk away and not turn back because if he did he might do something he regretted. She wasn't coming back, he thought firmly and he wasn't a little boy anymore.

_"Doesn't want you, doesn't love you. Hates you, hates you..."_

He only narrowly escaped being hit by a car and by the time he was in front of Juliet's dance school, he was breathless and shaking. He stooped over with his hands on his knees, breathing slowly to calm himself down. He needed to pull himself together. What if Juliet saw him like this? What would she think? He ran his hands over his face, snapping himself out of it and trying his best to regain some of his composure. He checked his watch. He was fifteen minutes early and there was no-where to wait out here. Perhaps there was a reception area inside he could sit down in. His legs were shaky, weak even and he needed to get a hold of himself.

He marched towards the front entrance with no qualms about barging in. Slipping through the front door, he found himself in a room with a very high ceiling and wide, softly painted walls. The carpet was cream and luxurious under foot and he felt extremely out of place in his boots and beaten up old jacket. There was no-one sitting behind the big oak reception desk and he glanced about curiously. This was a whole world away from what he was used to. Then again, so was Juliet. She was soft and kind, easy to be with. All of the women at the bar were loud, obnoxious and crass. He could never imagine her being like that. It was nice.

Music floated along the hallways from every direction, soft tinkling sounds of pianos and cellos. Violins and saxophones playing beautiful melodies that complimented the bright white of the buildings interior. Briefly he wondered if this was what heaven was like. All soft and gentle with music like that of angel song that played from dawn until dusk. He'd never heard music like it before. He was used to screaming and the crash of drums pounding in his ears. His life up to now was Guns and Roses, Van Halen and Meatloaf. They were hard, violent and brutal like he was. This was... this was like Juliet. Melodic and graceful like water and wind. He looked around again in case anyone was around, before heading along a hallway to explore. He knew he could get himself into trouble but it was so enticing that he couldn't resist.

Someone was playing piano along the hallway and he heard the gentle voice of an instructor coming from one of the classrooms. He peeked around the doorway, curiosity about this beautiful place coursing through his veins. He wanted to drown in it. The music and the atmosphere. Everything was so stunning. When his eyes settled on the girl in the middle of the room, all of the breath left his lungs as though he'd been winded.

It was _Juliet. _

She was dancing to the song that was playing, sweeping low one minute and then leaping high the next. Not a single foot was put wrong on the hardwood floor as she flew around the room, hardly even touching the ground at some points. She was enchanting. Shawn wrapped his arms around his body and lost himself for a while in watching her. Every movement and stroke was like watching something out of the old black and white movies. He couldn't remember ever seeing something so beautiful. The song was over far too quickly for his liking and when she bowed in the middle of the room, he clapped along enthusiastically with the other women and men inside. Everyone turned to see where the loud noise was coming from and he was immediately regretful. Juliet's eyes fell on his face and she grinned, wide and happy. She was pleased to see him at least.

"Can I help you, _sir_?" he heard the sarcasm in the instructors voice when he said 'sir' and his face fell back into his usual expression of contempt for the planet. It was a far cry from the warm contentment from a few seconds before.

"Just observing."

"Did you get lost on the way to Warrant's latest concert?" he asked sarcastically and Shawn's fist clenched when the students tittered with laughter. Juliet frowned at least, clearly not happy with the way he was being treated. He was about to turn tail and wait for her in the parking lot when Juliet spoke up very loudly and confidently.

"Actually, he's here for me, if you don't mind," she gave the short man a deadly look when he snorted with disbelief. "Am I free to go and change?" she asked through gritted teeth and when permission was given, she dashed off to get changed. He stayed out in the corridor, still wrestling with the urge to go and slam his fist into the little guy's stupid little face. Warrant's latest concert.

Fuck, did he really stand out that badly in this place?

He ran a finger over the studs that ran the length of his ear and then the one in his eyebrow. He was glad his stubble was at least short. He was contemplating taking the studs out when Juliet appeared beside him with her bag slung heavily over her shoulder. He immediately offered to take it from her and she passed it over, gratefully. "I'm sorry about him, Shawn. He's mean to everyone because he's so short." He chuckled and she smiled warmly at him. "I'm glad you came."

"Me too... You're a wonderful dancer Juliet," he spoke softly for fear of disturbing the atmosphere of the high, white room that they were now walking back through. Her blush said it all.

"Thank you. What happened to your lip?" She reached up suddenly and traced her thumb just under his split lip. He shrugged it off easily with a smirk. It wasn't as swollen as it had been and the bleeding had thankfully stopped at some point during the morning. "Is it painful?" she asked, looking honestly concerned for him. He brushed off her worry. He'd had far worse than a little bloody lip.

"Nah. I'm okay. Promise," he held his hand over his heart and she laughed, changing the subject.

"So what are we doing?" His stomach rumbled in an answer and he smiled sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck. "I'm pretty hungry myself. What do you say we go get something to eat?" she linked her arm through his and he nodded, tightening his grip on her. She was warm and her hair was pulled back to reveal her long neck and he raised his eyes in surprise when he saw a little tattoo peeking out. This girl wasn't as good as she made him think she was. She noticed him looking and smiled. "It's my mom's name. Kate. It softened the blow for her when I showed it off for the first time," she laughed and he cocked his head, already hooked on her story. She moved her ponytail out of the way to show him more clearly and he lifted his hand to trace the lettering. She leaned into his touch.

"I bet she was happy about it though, deep down," he answered softly, tearing his eyes from her neck and willing away the urge to lick a line over her skin. Somehow he didn't think that would go down well in a place like this.

"She pulled me to one side that night and hugged me. She was very pleased that my first tattoo was because of her. She has three and she always yells at my dad when he suggests that she should get them taken off. That discussion never lasts long..." she pulled him in the direction of the doors and into the bright, crisp afternoon outside. "I'll just dump my bag in my car and we can head somewhere, okay?" He nodded.

Anything she wanted, she could have if she asked him for it. They found her car quickly enough and she threw her bag into the back seat with ease and locked the door behind her. Shawn couldn't take his eyes off of her for a moment. He just kept thinking about how gracefully she had danced and how different she was to him. She was light and laughter and he was darkness and tears. But it didn't seem to matter to her at all. She laughed with him like she'd known him her whole life and he wondered what it was like to have that much confidence in yourself. She didn't judge him because he looked like he did. The thought warmed him and he knew that it would provide a great barrier tonight when the voice came rattling at him. Perhaps he'd be able to sleep tonight without drinking himself to the point of passing out.

She took his arm again. Yeah, maybe tonight would be a good one.

They walked, conversation flowing, until they found a little cafe' away from the bustle of the streets. It was quaint and quiet and the afternoon sun warmed the outside tables. They chose one under a little red canopy and while Juliet looked at a menu, Shawn looked at her. He was supposed to be distancing himself from her. He wasn't meant to be getting closer. It was impossible. He was on a oil slick and sliding towards her at an alarming rate. She felt his eyes on her and looked up, giving him a shy grin. He returned it. He didn't look at the menu, just ordering a sandwich and a coke when the waitress came along. Juliet ordered almost the same and they handed the menus back and waved the woman away. She set her head in her hands and shot him a curious look.

"You know, I don't understand you sometimes..."

"Why?" he asked, narrowing his eyes at her and mirroring her expression.

"You either look as though you want to run a mile in the other direction or you look at me like... like you want to kiss me," she stated brazenly and he could hardly deny it. It was true. "Correct me if I'm wrong Shawn, but you seem a little conflicted about this date. Want to talk about it?" her delicate hand closed over his rough one and he gave a humorless laugh. "Come on, I won't make fun of you. I promise," she crossed her heart and he wanted to pull her over the table to kiss her again. It was very distracting.

"I just don't think you realize what you're getting into with me Jules. I have a lot of- issues, if you will," he was cryptic but honest. _"Issues? You're a broken, pathetic mess Spencer. If only mommy could see you now. She'd be as disgusted with you as your beloved Juliet will be when she finds out."_ He swallowed and continued through the blaring, sudden scream in his mind. "I ah- I just don't think I'd be good for you. You're too pure, too innocent for me to fuck up-" the sound of her chair screeching out as she lunged across the table startled a few people around them and the crowd turned in time to see a young blond grip the front of her companions shirt and yank him halfway over the table to slam her lips into his. Shawn's eyes went wide before he groaned, her tongue running over his bottom lip- cut and all- and begging for entrance. He gave it to her because he was desperate for more of her taste and her tongue was on his in an instant. Their hands grasped at each other and they almost fell off of the seats at one point. Her fingers dove into his hair and even with the loud, irritated coughs and tuts of the people around them, Juliet didn't stop kissing him.

This was the second time she'd pulled him forwards like that. It was becoming a habit and not one he wanted her to kick. She pulled away just before the waitress came to the table and the woman raised a judging eyebrow at their disheveled hair and clothes, before turning and walking away. They sat breathing heavily and staring at one another and Shawn was pretty sure that it would take a cold shower to make his current erection go away. He'd never met anyone like her. She looked like she wouldn't say boo to a goose and yet she'd just kissed him to within an inch of his life in front of a group of people. "What-"

"Shawn, don't you dare tell me I'm too pure or innocent for you," she smirked, even though her face was pink. "That excuse won't wash with me. You'll just have to be stuck with me because I know for a fact that you won't mess me up. You're too worried about doing it for you to actually do it. Don't be so cautious around me and please don't assume that I can't handle things because I'm younger or not as used to your world. Just try me," she clinked her glass with his and he stared at her in awe.

Fuck, he was in love. This girl was phenomenal.

"You have a deal. Let's eat," he grinned from ear to ear and she joined him.

* * *

Well, he hadn't been horrified when she'd lost control at least. When exactly had her manners and her dignity gone out of the window? Probably sometime around the time her self-restraint had left her, Juliet mused, trying to fight the blush that wouldn't go away from her cheeks. She practically pulled him over the table to kiss him and where was all this brazen talking coming from about being a part of his world whether he liked it or not? She should just strip and dance on the table. Get it over with. But he was just so frustrating when he was being all cryptic and broody like that.

He was looking at her as though he wanted to eat her one minute and then like he wanted to run for cover the next. What was that all about?

It was enough to confuse any sane girl into doing what she'd just done.

She was just so determined to not let him get away from her. Did that make her desperate? She didn't think so. She really liked him and even though he'd mentioned that he had a few issues, it did little to deter her. He was a whole other person under that tough guy persona he held in place. He was sweet and he applauded her dancing and he saved drunken women in bars. How could a man like that doubt himself so much? He thought he was going to mess her up? He didn't see himself for what he was, she could tell that much. He thought very little of himself and his self-esteem had clearly taken a beating at some point in his life.

It was then she wondered about his life before the city and before the bar. Did he have any family? Who were his friends? What else did he like to do other than play the drums? It was stuff that they hadn't touched on yet but she could determine that they would be touchy subjects for him. He always seemed to be doubting himself and when he talked talked sometimes he was so smooth and sure. She took the conversation with Greg as a perfect example. He'd handled the situation with ease. Maybe it was easier for him to deal with things that were related to him. Greg was related with violence and being tough and the scars on his knuckles informed her more than he probably wanted her to know.

Shawn Spencer was one big question mark and one she was determined to figure out. He didn't need to put himself down like he did. He was a gentleman to her. He'd even pulled her seat out for her and he'd carried her bag for her back at the school. So, she decided with resolve, she wasn't going to let up on him. That kiss had affected him and it had damn sure affected her. She was insanely attracted to him.

It was settled in her mind. Shawn wasn't getting away from her at all.

* * *

By the time they'd finished their meal, he was laughing and joking with her as though the man she'd met in the bar was only a distant persona. He was thrilled. She complimented him so well. For everything he said, she had an answer and she could keep up with him in banter and style. Things he hadn't laughed at in years were making him chuckle like he was a teenager again. She was his own personal gust of fresh air and he desperately needed to take a long, deep breath.

So he inhaled and he didn't let go.

They were walking along, heading to the movie theater and her hand slipped along the leather sleeve of his jacket to find his. He hummed his approval and laced his fingers with hers. His hands might be scarred from fights and many other things, but he didn't mind her seeing them. They weren't as noticeable as his arms were and if she could feel them she didn't say anything.

People didn't look twice at the mismatched pair. They walked and talked. He couldn't get enough of her and her life. She told him all about her little brothers and what they would all do during long, hot summers down at their beach house. She told him about diving off of the rocks along the beach and the time she'd broken her leg when she'd fallen off of the pier. She told him all about her dogs and much to her surprise he told her that he himself loved dogs. They couldn't have them at the bar for obvious reasons but he told her that one day, he was going to get himself a house and as many dogs as it would hold. She agreed wholeheartedly with him.

Her palm was pleasantly warm against his as they strolled. Although the sun was high in the sky, a wind was sweeping through the city and Juliet eventually found that she was cold in her little pullover. She wished she'd brought a jacket with her. Shawn noticed her shiver and without thinking for a second what it could mean if he did it, he whipped his old leather jacket off and covered her shoulders in it. She smiled up at him thanks, her fingers brushing over his bare arms as she looked up at him.

When fingertips ghosted over the bumps and cuts, she looked at them for the first time and her eyes filled with surprise. Shawn finally realized what he'd just done and tore away from her like he'd been burned.

Her eyes were still on his forearms and the horrible mess of scars that marred his skin.

Shawn felt his lunch threaten to come back up because she could see them and he was more filled with despair than she was. Fuck, fuck, fuck! "Shawn, what happened?" she asked softly, reaching out to touch him again. He backed away in the middle of the street, still gaping and still wondering how the fuck he could have been so fucking stupid. Everything had been going so well. They'd been laughing and happy and she'd kissed him again.

He did the only thing he knew how to do. Turning on his heels he took off through the streets, heading for the safety of the bar and his apartment. He'd ruined it. He ruined it like he ruined everything and he ignored her calls of his name after him, just sprinting away as fast as his legs could carry him. He wanted to die. He hated himself for thinking that she could want him like this. He cursed his arms and cursed himself and God above for making him this way. He could have had a normal life if- if...

"_Run, run, run as fast as you can Spencer. Doesn't want you, doesn't love you, hates you, hates you, run!"_

He didn't stop until he was back in his room, panting and tasting the salt of tears as they ran along his cheeks.

* * *

**A/N: *bites lip* I'm so sorry guys. I couldn't stop myself from the angsty angsty angst. I don't write it much but when I do I can't stop. Next chapter though... You'll love the next chapter. I know you will! But I'm not going to say another thing about it because if I spoil it I'll kick myself in the face. Now there would be a sight.**

**I'm pretty sick as I type this and hopefully everything makes sense. Blargh...**

**Reviews are like eating peanut butter from a spoon. They make you literally speechless and then you make that weird smacking sound as you try to get rid of them.**


	4. Chapter 4

_Made a wrong turn once or twice,  
Dug my way out, blood and fire.  
Bad decisions, that's alright,  
Welcome to my silly life._

_Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood,_  
_Mister 'No way, it's all good',_  
_It didn't slow me down._  
_Mistaken, always second guessing,_  
_Underestimated, look I'm still around..._

_Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel,_  
_Like you're less than fucking perfect,_  
_Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel,_  
_Like you're nothing, you're fucking perfect to me!_

_You're so mean when you talk,_  
_About yourself. You were wrong._  
_Change the voices in your head,_  
_Make them like you instead._

_So complicated,_  
_Look how we all make it._  
_Filled with so much hatred,_  
_Such a tired game._  
_It's enough, I've done all I could think of,_  
_Chased down all my demons,_  
_I've seen you do the same!_

_**P!NK:- Fucking Perfect**_

* * *

He hadn't answered his door to anyone in two days. He'd refused point blank to face the world and he didn't give a crap if it was childish or not.

Two whole days he'd been inside the apartment, smashing the place and then himself to pieces. Chloe had threatened to take the hinges off of his front door in a fit of rage at him because she'd lost her spare key. Gus had threatened rather politely to let her. Night and day they'd pounded on his door, pleading and whining at him to open up. They wanted to see him and see that he was okay. At some point they both informed him that Juliet had been to the bar looking for him and they'd covered for him twice now. Chloe told him she wouldn't do it again and he hoped that Juliet would just give up on him and save herself the bother. He hadn't even been able to look into her eyes when she'd finally seen the state of his arms. He didn't want to see how horrified and disgusted she was with him.

She was probably just stopping by to see if he was still alive because she was a good, kind person and she wouldn't want him to throw himself out of a window or something. He'd never do that. He wouldn't want to leave a mess when he finally did it. He'd do something clean and easy. Painless.

He chuckled humorlessly, pressing his head back against the couch and running a hand over his chin. He hadn't shaved in two days and while he'd had a shower that morning, he hadn't dressed in anything but a pair of jeans since that fateful day. The scruff was irritating but he just couldn't bring himself to look in the mirror for as long as it took to shave. He also couldn't be that close to a blade without the horrible urge to use it on his wrists.

The voice had pummeled him day and night and even daylight didn't seem to draw it away. It was relentless in it's cruel attacks, his head pounding with horrible words that he was growing to believe more easily every hour that ticked by and he remained alone. He hadn't been able to sleep for more than an hour at a time and he hadn't eaten anything other than a bag of chips from his cupboard since the incident. He was utterly exhausted mentally and physically. He hoped beyond hope that his body would just drop from exhaustion but just his luck; he kept soldiering on. It was like his stupid body was taunting him.

"_It'll come soon enough boy. It'll come soon enough."_

He didn't even flinch at the sounds in his head. Instead he agreed. Yes, it would come eventually wouldn't it? He wondered, not for the first time in his life, what it would be like to die. What it would be like for it just to end. Was there a white light, something like the dance school only with angels instead of people in it? Would he be more welcome there than he was down here on earth? He hoped so. There might be a garrison to welcome him home and tell him that he'd never belonged down here really. His real place was up there so he could be at peace. Maybe there would be a vision of Juliet there, just for him? Like a personal heaven. She would smile and kiss him again and he would lift her into his arms and cuddle her to him, finally content. Would his mother appear and tell him she was proud of him? Would he be loved up there? Thinking of what could be, a sob bubbled to the surface and he let himself cry pathetically, not even finding the energy to lift the beer bottle to his lips again.

He'd hoped that he was all cried out by now. His eyes were raw and puffy from the amount he'd done just picturing what Juliet must have thought of him days before. He knew he would have to pull himself together eventually, like he always did. He would have to forget about the girl just like she would forget about him. She would write him off as a mistake and she'd be better off without him. He wondered if one day, when she was older and married to some amazing guy, if she'd ever think back and remember him. With a chilling but final realization, he knew that by that point he himself would probably be dead. Be it through tiredness or his own stupidity, it would be the same outcome.

A loud, self-assured knock on his door told him that Chloe was back to torture him again. He felt a twinge of guilt because she did have a bar to run and yet she was out there for hours, talking to him through the wood in the hopes that he might open the door. Sometimes she was calm and others she threatened him to within an inch of her life. Her current plan consisted of trying to drive him even madder by playing music at full blast at his door. So far he'd muffled the bloody noise out with a pillow over his head but he knew that if one volume didn't work, she would be insane enough to bring up the speakers from the stage and bounce him out of the place.

He had to give her her dues. She wasn't giving up on him as easily as he'd wanted. Stubborn bitch.

She was picking out every song that he'd ever expressed hatred for, just for the added effect of making him swear when the next monstrosity came on. Everything from Justin Motherfucking Beiber, to some horrible shits called One Direction. He knew the only direction they were going and it wasn't pretty. She couldn't deafen him with some Def Leppard instead? He knew that she wanted him to get so pissed off that he'd open his door to switch it off. Then she would promptly tackle him and sit on him until Gus came up. That was plan if he'd ever seen one.

Today though, instead of hearing the usual thump of speakers being set down again, he heard the alarming jangle of keys in his lock. His head rose from it's space on the couch and his eyes narrowed on the door. She wouldn't dare open that door, would she? Not really... The jangling continued and he heard her mutter faintly to someone. "Chloe!? What the hell do you think you're doing to my door?"

She'd lost her spare key in the mess of her office and she'd told him that herself. He remembered because he'd laughed at how pissed off she'd been. He heard her laugh triumphantly and tauntingly behind the wood. This was a big victory for her. She always had to wait for him to give up but this time she was bringing the battle to him instead. Fuck.

"Ha ha, you son of a bitch! I found my keys to your place in my wardrobe and I plan on winning for once. I'm sending someone in to sort your sorry ass out and get you back on your feet. Literally. I'm sick to death of you moping around in there Shawn and this'll get you back on your feet if nothing else does. Gus is also tired of me playing pop songs and quite frankly if I have to listen to 'Baby, Baby, Baby' anymore, I'll go mad myself," she laughed almost manically and he realized with another twinge of guilt that she'd probably being going crazy with worry over the past few days. That was why he sometimes despised having friends around him. People who cared if he lived or died even when he didn't. It made him stay and made him think before he did something rash.

Still, he wondered if she'd finally cracked under the pressure this time and was about to send Big Frank in to deal with him once and for all. He couldn't blame her really. At least he'd be in for a fight though because he wasn't about to be stuffed into a body bag alive and dragged down a flight of stairs. Pushing himself up from the couch, he held himself as steady as best he could. Even then he still swayed dangerously on his feet. He wasn't drunk yet today which was a shame, but he was a step away from passing out from lack of food and sleep.

All the same, the physical fighter that prowled under his skin came to the surface and his hands balled into fists. He'd been in a thousand fights before. His hands were littered with cuts and reminders and he wouldn't go down this time without one.

"Any guy you send in here is going to leave in an ambulance," he called out defiantly, readying himself for whatever she was planning to do to him. Perhaps he'd finally found her limit and just pushed her over it. Although his statement was dripping in anger, his body felt much less sure of itself. He felt like he was going to fall over and he knew that if she did send someone in to do whatever, he wouldn't be able to do much about it. His body had been deprived of everything it needed and that didn't bode well for his tough guy demeanor. He was lovesick, as stupid as it sounded to him to admit it and he was half mad, almost wild with the voices running through his head. Maybe he would just roll over and play dead. He'd even zip up the body bag for them if they wanted if he could at least sleep on the way to river.

The click of the lock opening was loud and he tensed, absolutely rigid and unmoving, his breath held in anticipation in his chest. It swung open at Chloe's push and she stood victorious with her hands on her hips, like she'd just conquered Rome and bitch slapped Julius Caesar. He narrowed his eyes at her and she returned the gesture, just daring him to protest. "Get out," he glowered with as much resolve as he could muster.

"No. I've brought you someone who'll hopefully knock some sense into that impenetrable skull of yours," she informed him, her bright attitude making him wince in pain.

"Unless it's the Grim Fucking Reaper, you don't have anyone else out there who I want to see. If it is him though, feel free to invite him right in. He can have whats left of my soul and then maybe you'll all leave me in peace," he snapped viciously and he ignored just how much hurt materialized on her face. She really did hate him talking like that. Crossing her arms, she shook it off.

"It's not him. It's someone else and you'd better-" she was cut off from her tongue lashing by a soft hand on her arm and she looked around into the darker corridor. Shawn could see nothing. His eyes were too tired to see anything.

"It's okay. I can take it from here."

He felt like someone had thrown a bucket of ice water over him and when Juliet stepped inside his trashed apartment, his entire body almost melted in something resembling relief and mortification. Chloe stood in the doorway, leaning on the frame and twirling the keys around her finger with a shit-eating grin on her face that screamed _'fuck you, I win'_. Shawn could have killed her on the spot. What had she been thinking? She was supposed to cover for him. Juliet was the last person on earth that he wanted to see him like this. He was a mess. He was tired and hungry and desperate. His whole chest was bare to her now, arms and all and he felt decidedly naked under her stern gaze. He was in trouble and he knew it. This girl clearly wasn't going to put up with his shit at all. "I'll leave you two alone okay? If you kill him Juliet, there's a thousand places I know we can hide his body," she shot him a glare and he swallowed hard.

"Thanks Chloe. I'll buy you that drink later like I promised."

"You sold me out for a beer!?" he asked in disbelief, his voice raspy from disuse and his hand trailing through his hair roughly. What must she think of him, standing in his war torn apartment in just his jeans with a bottle of cheap beer in his hand? His stomach and throat clenched simultaneously with horror and he groaned, wishing the earth would open up under his feet and swallow him whole. As usual, it didn't and he swore softly under his breath. Chloe wasn't phased in the least by his appearance or his disbelief.

"Shot of whiskey, actually," she corrected. "She's very persuasive Shawn. I like her. You two kids have fun!" With that she was gone like a shadow- or a wrecking ball, he could decide which- the door clicking shut behind her and her laughter echoing along the hallway. He was alone with the woman he'd been thinking about for forty-eight hours straight and all he could do was glare at the door miserably. He finally turned his gaze towards Juliet, eyes trailing along her legs and then up to her crossed arms, before settling on her very annoyed face. His beaten up old jacket hung over one of her arms and he remembered he'd left it with her when he'd taken off.

She threw it at him almost angrily and he caught it one-handed, wincing because she was more pissed off that he'd realized. From the look on her face, she was livid with him and she had every right to be. He was probably a fucking monster in her eyes now. What she thought of him was probably too awful for her to say.

"You're a big idiot," she crossed her arms with a huff of air, glaring at him. He frowned at the floor, fingering the material of his jacket and not meeting her eyes again. He couldn't look at her face while she did this. He didn't want to remember this any more vividly than he would anyway. At least she was starting off gently.

"I'm sorry," he said, his voice small in the open space of the apartment.

"What for?" she asked, her tone softening because he looked so pathetic standing there and clutching onto his jacket as though it was a lifeline to him. "For running off and leaving me standing there like an idiot? Because that wasn't a great thing to do on a first date Shawn. What made you take off like that? Was it because I saw your arms?" she asked in exasperation and the urge to shy away and hide himself washed over him. The fact that he was bare chested and exposed was making him very uncomfortable. He swung his jacket around his shoulders and felt marginally better. "Shawn, look at me please." His eyes raised up to hers reluctantly. "How long is it since you shaved? Or ate or even slept, for that matter?"

_"You look awful. Terrible. Ugly. Doesn't want you, doesn't love you. No-one loves you..." _That seemed to be the new catchphrase of his constant companion. He ignored it, like he'd practiced in his head a thousand times so that people wouldn't see.

He shrugged gently, the jacket warm around his shoulders. "Couple of days. Since I ran off." Maybe if he kept his answers short it would give less of his emotions away. Although to be fair, there wasn't much left to hide really. Broken furniture that echoed an equally broken owner and scars that would never heal open for all to see. What more was needed to ruin any chance with her? She looked like she was thinking hard, in some eternal struggle in her head. Probably wondering if now was a good time to leave. He decided to make things easier.

"It's okay Jules. You can go if you want."

Blue eyes found his tired face and she frowned again at him. "No." That surprised him a bit. He'd guessed she was stubborn but not so much she'd want to stay somewhere she was uncomfortable- He jumped when he felt soft fingers trail over his chest and she was suddenly much closer to him than she had been. Less than arms length away. Her palm was warm over his heart and he suppressed a shiver of delight at the feel of it. "Come on," she grabbed his wrist under the leather and pulled him along his hallway, glancing around her for whatever she was looking for. He followed, confusion written all over his face. She found his bathroom thankfully well put together.

He never had the energy to wreck more than one room at a time and he was suddenly glad he'd put his little collection of detached razor blades away. "Jules, what are you doing?" he asked softly, but she ignored his question and instead stood him in the middle of the room next to the bath tub. This girl was really starting to get into his head.

"Where's the shaving foam and the razors?" she asked firmly and he could do little else but point to the cabinet above the sink. He knew what she was doing. She was going to make him shave the scruff off of his face so that maybe he could look a little more presentable. Well, at least that meant that she hadn't left yet. He watched her fill the sink with warm water and set the foam down on the counter beside it. She found a suitable razor among his many, not questioning why he seemed to be collecting them. She already knew why anyway, he cringed. She found a towel on the rack and pulled it off, draping it over her arm before turning to him and motioning for him to take off the jacket at last.

He did as she told him, however much he didn't want to.

"Jules," he repeated her name again in the hopes that she would maybe come to her senses. This was new for him. He was used to people running away much like he did. He wasn't used to them staying. She hopped up on the counter by the sink, reached forward and grabbed him by the belt buckle much to his shock. She pulled him with all of her strength against her, wrapping her legs around his waist to hold him there. Shawn honestly didn't know what the hell was going on. Did she want him to shave or did she want him to kiss her? It was a strange position to be in, nestled between her thighs while she reached around to grab the shaving foam and wet her hands.

Ah. That was her plan. He felt stupid for not realizing now.

"You know," she began softly to distract him, wetting a washcloth in the basin. The water sloshed against the sides. "When I was little, my dad taught me how to shave him because I wouldn't leave him alone. I followed him everywhere, even when he was trying to shave and I always wanted to be helpful. So he showed me how to do it in such a way that I wouldn't cut him. I got pretty good at it after a lot of practice," she ran the cloth and her hands over his face, wetting his skin and softening his stubble a little. Shawn could do nothing but be warmed by her legs around him and focus his eyes and ears on her. She tied the towel around his neck when she was done, her touch soft and caring.

The foam was next, lathered up on his cheeks and he closed his mouth so she could do his upper lip. Rinsing her hands she trailed a finger over his lips for him to get any excess off and it only reminded him of that wonderful kiss at the cafe, when she'd almost killed him by pulling him over the table. His gaze dropped to her own mouth but he fought back the urge. Now wasn't a great time for that. He'd get shaving cream everywhere and he doubted she'd be amused.

Deft fingers massaged his skin as she scooped the excess foam off and wiped it on the towel. She shook the razor in the water and pushed his chin upwards with one finger. Throat exposed, he still kept his eyes on her as she finally raised the blade and stroked a long slow, even line through his stubble. It felt oddly therapeutic and as she continued, he found his eyelids getting increasingly heavy. She noticed, giving him a little smile of amusement.

"Stop being adorable," she muttered, thumbing off a little bit of cream on his chin. His chest shook with a tired laugh. What was that even supposed to mean? He hadn't been adorable for a very, very long time.

She finished his throat and then his jaw, turning his head however she needed it. He was still in a state of disbelief. He'd never let anyone this close to him. Hell, he hardly ever let people into his apartment and yet here was this woman whom he'd known for the best part of a week, sitting on his bathroom counter and shaving him- something wonderfully intimate to him. Not only that, but she was doing a fabulous job and humming tunes to him while she worked. "I like your tattoo," she said at one point, just before she started his left cheek.

"You do?" he asked without thought, his hands on either side of her legs as he looked at her. She was referring to the long black, spiraling tribal design that he'd had done at eighteen- just before he'd left home. It took up part of his shoulder and upper arm, along with a good part of his back. It had taken the artist two, six hour long sessions and had put him four hundred dollars out of pocket, but it was one of the few things he'd never regretted getting. He was secretly glad that she didn't find it repulsive. She stopped shaving him momentarily to trace a line of it, curving it over his bicep and up to just below his neck. Shawn wanted to kiss her more than ever then. He wanted to push her against his wall and repay her kindness by making her scream so loudly they'd be calling the cops downstairs. He managed to restrain himself and looked away, hoping the foam covered most of his blush. Juliet gave him another secretive grin before going back to work.

The last little bit above his upper lip took no time for her to finish and when she was done, she washed off the last of the foam and dried his cheeks with the towel. Shawn pulled it off and tossed it into the laundry basket beside them. Her legs were still around his waist and so he didn't move away, but he did reach up and run his hands over his face. She'd done a wonderful job and she hadn't been joking when she told him she was good. It was a pleasant, close shave and he was much more comfortable now. "Nicely done," he offered, his fingers going through his hair in that nervous habit he'd picked up as a child.

"Don't mention it," her forehead dropped to meet his and his breath caught in his throat.

"Juliet, what are we doing?" he asked. She didn't answer, just letting him continue to try and convince her to get out while she could. He wanted to be selfish and keep her here, keep her forever... But he couldn't do that to her. She was too good for that. "You're only nineteen Jules. You have everything ahead of you. A good education and an even better job at the end of it. You're smart and gorgeous," he stroked his hand over her hair, their noses almost touching. "You could have any man you wanted in the world. You could just look at them and-" he snapped his fingers. "They'd be gone."

Her blush was adorable but he didn't linger on it. "It's not too late for you to get out of here and get away from me. We've only known each other for a little less than a week. It wouldn't be hard for you to go back to your life and forget all about me. I wouldn't mind if you were happy at least. But there is no happy with me. I'm dark and broken and dangerous. I couldn't live with myself if I dragged you down to my level." His hands cupped her face now, wanting to kiss her but not. "You could run out of here and live a good life. I'm too far gone now for anyone to help and I wouldn't ask that of you anyway. We're practically strangers you know. Even though I can't get you out of my head, I'm going to ask you to get me out of yours. I'm no good Jules, can't you see that?" he almost begged, eyes closing.

Her answer contained no words.

She ran her hands along his forearms and brought them in front of him. He bristled and cringed when she turned them in her palms so that his scars were visible under the bright yellow light of the window behind them. He didn't pull away even though he desperately wanted to. He hated them. Hated how weak he was every time he added a new one to his already massive collection. He didn't want her to see them at all but she was insistent. She traced them with one finger, exploring and investigating intricate patterns and parts of words that he'd cut into himself. Not once did a glimmer of disgust or regret pass over her face. He watched her closely for it, waiting for the mask of horror or the biting words.

Nothing ever came and instead she just stroked his battle scars as though they were the most beautiful things she'd ever seen. Breaths were catching in his chest and he was going crazy imagining what she might be thinking.

_"Gorgeous, isn't she?" _

He almost jumped but managed not to. He didn't want to disturb her but he had just been struck by a gentle, whispering voice in his ear that was the polar opposite to the one he was used to. Any voice in his head hissed violence and insults into his brain, not little musings like that. He frowned. As intrigued as he was though, he ignored it and passed it off as yet another thing to make him sure he was bat shit crazy. Juliet raised an arm to her lips when he was distracted and he only came back to her when her mouth pressed against his wrist and a particularly jagged, ugly scar. That had been his lowest day ever when he'd tried to end it all. Gus had found him and had cleaned up his wrist, bandaged it and stayed with him all night. He hoped she wouldn't ask the story behind it though.

She didn't, instead kissing his other wrist before paying the same courtesy onto every other of his worst scars. His heart felt like it was beating for the first time in a long time because he'd given her a way out. He'd given her the chance to run in the opposite direction and she hadn't taken it. She was still here and touching him without a hint of regret.

"I could have known you for six days, or for twenty years Shawn. I'd still be able to see how beautiful you are. Scars or no scars."

There was no way he wasn't going to kiss her now, bringing her face towards him and feeling her legs tighten around him even more. They kissed slowly, languidly. Taking their time to taste each other because their first few kisses and been fast and hard, but this was deep and hot and something so much more than lust. She moaned into his mouth and he pulled away, but she'd just wanted him closer and captured him again with a breathy whimper.

When they finally managed to separate, they were breathless and wanting but they didn't take it any further. Shawn was still apprehensive and Juliet wanted to take that part a little more slowly, but it didn't mean she couldn't kiss him whenever she wanted. "Thank you," he mumbled, nuzzling his nose deep into her blond locks and staying there, his eyes closed so he could soak up her warmth and her light. Light brushes over his tattoo as she explored him almost sent him to sleep against her and they both realized just how tired he was at the same time. His body felt weak and shaky, although he could put a bit of that down to the kissing as well as the exhaustion.

She noticed his eyelids drooping.

"Come on. You need to sleep," she motioned for him to step back and she hopped down from the counter gracefully. She was a dancer after all, he remembered. She took his hand and led him from the bathroom, looking down the hall and spotting his bed through the open door of the room. He trailed after her, glad again that his bedroom was at least clean and his sheets freshly washed and dried. He sat on the edge, yawning while she pulled the curtains over and left them with only a gentle, dulled glow as the light was blocked out. It would be easy to fall asleep in. She knelt in front of him, cupping his cheek and kissing him again. Shawn moaned warmly into her mouth and when she pulled back, she was smiling. "Go on and get some rest Shawn. I'll be in the living room until you wake up."

"You don't have anything better to do today than look after me?" he asked, feeling slightly guilty that she could be giving up her free time just to babysit him. She looked amused and hummed, pushing him back into the cool sheets and pulling the comforter over him. She kissed his forehead as he tried to keep his eyes open, suddenly feeling five again. But then she kissed his lips and her tongue met his and he was a full grown man being watched over by an angel once more. He was in so much trouble he didn't know where to begin. "You're amazing," he muttered as he drifted off into a peacefully dreamless sleep.

* * *

Juliet stroked his hair steadily for a minute, loving how soft it was before she headed out into the living room to try and salvage a little bit of his furniture. Chloe had told her to call for herself and Shawn's friend called Gus when he was asleep and she assumed it was so they could help her clean up. She hadn't even blinked when Juliet had asked what to do if Shawn didn't sleep. She'd seemed very sure that Juliet was up to the task.

While Juliet had been less sure of herself, she'd remembered the crushed look on his face as he'd run off and she'd known that she had to try. As crazy as it seemed and as little as they knew about each other, she couldn't have left him behind today. He needed someone because he didn't have any family near to speak of. Chloe had told her that, but nothing else when she'd asked about his parents. She guessed it was another touchy subject for him. She couldn't imagine being eighteen and all alone in the world. Her parents had always been there and she wished she knew why his weren't. Maybe he'd tell her one day.

She was glad she'd stayed now.

He could use a- was friend the right word? Friends didn't kiss each other like that, she thought and her face went red. Friends didn't shave other friends or moan like that against each other. So no, she didn't think friends was the right word for what they had at the moment. Too soon to say boyfriend or girlfriend and too late to start off as friends. Besides, she'd miss the kissing if it were to stop right now. She'd see what a few more dates brought before she gave them a label.

It wasn't going to be easy for them and especially since she had no clue when it came to this world of his.

She was used to hearing birds outside her windows in the morning and to being greeted by loving people at breakfast. She was used to a support network when things went wrong. Shawn was used to barking dogs and idle insults from people in the bar downstairs. He only had two people and they couldn't be around all the time to pick him up when he sank down. Chloe had the bar to run and his friend Gus had his own life to lead.

It didn't matter though, she decided. They might not be from the same world as each other but it shouldn't even be an issue. She liked him. She found him very attractive and clever, even if he couldn't see those things himself. He was witty and sarcastic, sharp and harsh with people he didn't like. He sported cuts and bruises from fights in the bar and his split lip was testament to that alone. But with her, he was sweet and gentle. She hadn't mentioned it because she'd been distracted but she'd heard his little Grim Reaper statement earlier, when he hadn't known she was there.

Was that really what he wanted? Did he really want to die? She was getting into so much on just a weeks worth of knowledge about this man. Not even a week. Yet that little voice in her head was getting bigger by the day, telling her that he would be worth it in the end. Something was telling her to stick with him and to not let him fall again. Telling her to wait it out and see the man who would emerge at the end of it. There was an amazing person under all that anger and resentment and she very much wanted to be there when he arrived.

Beautiful but broken, Shawn Spencer was buried in her head now and he wasn't planning on leaving any time soon. Juliet couldn't bring herself to mind as that thought sank in.

In fact, she found that she quite liked it that way.

* * *

**A/N: This is definitely my favorite chapter by far and it's sort of an apology for leaving the last chapter the way I did. Next Chapter we'll learn a lot more about Shawn's past and just what happened to him to make him like this. It's not going to be pretty, folks. Then some Shules to soften the blows and a little bit of lurve thrown in for good measure. Not much else to say this time around other than can we have a round of applause for all those girls and boys out there who love their partners, scars and all!?**

**It was so hard to pick out just a part of the lyrics up top because this song is literally perfect for this story and especially this chapter. It's called Perfect for a damn good reason!**

**Reviews are like being perfect. I'm not an authority on it but I hear it's pretty good...**


	5. Chapter 5

_Where, where will you stand_  
_When all the lights go out_  
_Across these city streets?_  
_Where were you when_  
_All of the embers fell?_  
_I still remember them_  
_Covered in ash_  
_Covered in glass_  
_Covered in all my friends_  
_I still think of the bombs they build_

_If there's a place that I could be_  
_Then I'd be another memory_  
_Can I be the only hope for you?_  
_Because you're the only hope for me_  
_And if we can't find where we belong_  
_We'll have to make it on our own_  
_Face all the pain and take it on_  
_Because the only hope for me is you alone_

**The Only Hope For Me Is You (Alone):- My Chemical Romance**

* * *

He'd woken up briefly at one point to kick off his jeans, but other than that he'd slept well knowing that Juliet was in the other room. Although nightmares threatened and he was always wavering on the edge of awake and asleep, he could always just about hear her shifting around along the hallway and it brought him some comfort.

It was more than usual for him to have bad dreams. They were dark, creeping little things that poked and laughed in his head like little demons that were using his conscious as a plaything for their own amusement. That was the perfect description of his life. A plaything for darker forces that wanted to make him dance- pull his strings like a puppet and use and abuse him. That was just the way things were though. Some people were luckier than others and some people just had to deal with what they were given.

He dreamed about _him_ as well. His step-father with deep set eyes that turned into black holes, sinking into his face as he leaned over the little boy that he was and sneered words that haunted him. _"Doesn't want you boy. Doesn't love you either."_

He dreamed of those endlessly long nights when his mother wasn't there and he had to drag his wardrobe behind his door and sleep with one eye open all night, in case he woke up with someone holding a pillow over his face. The long summer holidays were always the worst because he was home all day. Hell, even though he'd hardly ever gone to school at least he could pretend he was going so he could get away for a few hours. His room had always been cold and shady, even in summer time and he'd forever hated it and that house. Just a little boy wishing and crying for his own room and praying that his parents would come to their senses and fall in love again.

He'd wanted to go home. He wished his father would come and rescue him, take him away but his father wasn't allowed to take him anywhere and his mother was always working. So he lived with the fear of that horrible new man who'd somehow won his mothers heart. He didn't know how he'd done it. As a child he'd thought it was magic. It must have been. As an adult thinking back, he'd scoffed. His mother had been lonely and vulnerable, with a little boy in tow of her. She'd been easy to manipulate and that's exactly what had happened.

Manipulation and lies and secret beatings that left him unable to move without wincing. He'd longed to tell her, longed to show her why her loving little Goose was turning into such an angry teenager, intent on screaming and howling at the world- not coming home until three in the morning and starting to drink at only fourteen.

He'd wanted to tell her that it was him. That his ribs were cracked from being kicked so hard when she wasn't there. That he couldn't keep food down for a straight week because he'd been punched in the stomach so much and his insides didn't feel right. He was desperate to show her the cigarette burns and the finger marks around his throat that he hid with make up that he'd stolen from the shop down the street. But he couldn't. He couldn't do that to her. He couldn't take away that image she had of her lovely second husband, so kind and caring when she was around. The man who tried so hard to keep her troublesome son in check. She didn't see because he didn't let her. He valued her happiness above the whole world and so he kept the physical and mental beatings quiet in the hopes that she would continue her life they way she deserved it.

Happy and carefree.

But she hadn't been happy at all. She'd been scared of him. Of him, her little boy whom she loved. He could see it every time he was brought home by the police or smashed plates and bottles against the wall. He'd seen the horror and the fear over what he was becoming in her eyes and she didn't know why it was. He realized that it was him making her unhappy now. He was holding her back from living the life she wanted. Even though she and his step-father had split when he was seventeen, he could still hear those parting words that he'd left Shawn with. _"Worthless, that's what you are boy. Pathetic. No-one will ever love you. She'd be better off without you."_

So he'd done something about it. He'd left her a cassette tape , to be played a week after he left. He'd set it on her pillow the morning of his eighteenth birthday along with one for his father. He wanted them to know everything. To know why he was leaving them. He'd gone past his dad's house before he'd left, with his bag of clothes slung over his shoulder and a hundred dollars in his back pocket. He hadn't been home though and Shawn thought it was probably better that way.

Goodbyes were hard and often leaving without making a sound was easier.

He honestly couldn't remember much else except fear from his childhood and especially from his teenage years. He wished he could find something good in the pit of despair that ravaged his mind. The only bright light in the never ending darkness was his mothers warm smile and those little twinkling lights that he could never seem to place. They seemed important though. There was something holding him away from that memory and he wished he could find a way to push past it.

Those were the things that kept him awake at night. But not this time. This time he slept peacefully and he didn't know whether it was thinking about Juliet so close while she'd shaved him, or if it was the fact that she was just along the hallway and keeping an eye on him. All his life he'd disappointed people and sent them running in the other direction. People who had had lives like his and he'd been too much for them. He was always too angry, too bitter or too heavy for people to handle. He tried not to be. He practiced smiling in the bathroom mirror so he could pretend but it never lasted long and he was back to being the angry guy. People dealt with him for a while. They all understood. For a bit, anyway. Until they grew bored and wanted the angry guy to be replaced by a happy guy.

They wanted the angry part to go away so they didn't have to face it anymore. But that was something Shawn knew he couldn't do. This was a part of him, born in blood and punches and screams.

She hadn't judged him though. She'd kissed his scars, those hideous things that made him cringe to look at them. She'd pressed her lips against them without fear or disgust. This girl from a big happy family, with loving parents and a nice house was treating him with more respect and kindness that any of the other broken people he'd ever relied on. She'd shaved him, accepted his battle wounds and so much more. He didn't know how to take the situation. He didn't know if he should treat her like other girls or if he should keep his distance. Did he kiss her when he wanted to? Would she be okay with that? Did he take her into his bed and make love to her, or did she just want to stay friends?

Even with all the questions in his head, his body shut down anyway and he drifted through peaceful moments between waking and sleeping.

He could have sworn that at one point he'd heard Gus and Chloe arrive in his apartment, but he couldn't be sure if it had been a dream or not. He'd shrugged it off and rolled onto his side. The air was warm in the room and even more so under the covers, lulling him in and out and making him grip the sheets comfortably. It was a good three hours later when he woke up properly, nuzzling his pillow and yawning loudly. He might not have slept for as long as he needed, but it was still better than what he'd been running on for the last two days. Juliet had been quiet in the living room for the past half hour and he guessed that she was just watching TV with the sound lowered.

He slipped out from beneath the warm covers, twisting his back this way and that to work the kinks out. Those came from years of sleeping on couches and bar stools or wherever else he happened to be when he passed out at night. It was always satisfying though, to hear the pops and then relax for a few seconds.

He stretched again, both hands over his head before he stood, ruffling his hair to wake himself up a bit and rubbing his eyes as he ventured out into the living room. He hoped that Juliet hadn't been too bored waiting for him while he slept the afternoon away. He still felt guilty even though she'd insisted upon staying.

Padding along the hallway, he found her engrossed in the same book she'd been reading in the bar on that second day. It must have been good, he mused, because she hadn't even heard him approach she was so into it. All of the broken furniture was gone now and he realized that hearing Gus and Chloe earlier mustn't have been a dream after all. He'd have to get more from somewhere. Although Chloe might not be as forgiving on him this time around. Putting the thought out of his head, he decided to worry about it when he wasn't feeling so human. It was a strange feeling but he liked it very much.

He took a few personal seconds to watch Juliet be herself as she sat on his couch. Her feet were curled under her, fingers playing with her necklace absentmindedly and her lips mouthing the words as she read quickly from page to page. It was adorable because she probably didn't even know that she was doing it. She was divine, he thought to himself. An angel of the highest order and she didn't even know it. He cleared his throat softly and she jumped a bit, before smiling when she realized it was him.

"Feeling a bit better?" she asked.

If only she knew. He nodded, hand rubbing over his growling stomach as it dawned on him that he was only in his boxers. Juliet seemed to notice as well, her cheeks tinging pink as she tore her eyes away from his body and back to his face. Had she just been checking him out? Well, that was new. He smiled, walking towards the couch and sitting himself next to her. He leaned his head back against the cushion and let his eyes close over. She'd already seen his arms close up, so there wasn't really much else to hide from her. Juliet didn't seem to mind, setting her book into her lap and watching him.

"Did you sleep okay?"

"Not bad," he admitted. She looked pleased. "Better than usual." At least he was honest with her about it. He wasn't about to feed her some bullshit about being refreshed and energized when he wasn't. He took a wild guess that she'd be able to see right through that anyway. He was still tired and still the same as he'd always been. Sleeping wasn't going to change that but it was a start at least. He decided to change the subject before she could make him go back to bed. He needed to spend time with her while she was here.

"What's your book?" he asked suddenly, his curiosity about what she was focused so intently on finally getting the better of him. She seemed surprised, but picked it up all the same.

"It's called '_Game of Thrones_'. It's the first book in a long series called '_A Song of Ice and Fire_'. It's very good," she offered and he nodded. It actually sounded intriguing because she spoke with a passion about it. He'd never had any call for books. He smirked in a secretive way like he was involved in his own personal joke with himself. No, he'd never needed books around. But the way she spoke, he knew whatever it was about was clearly something that caught her imagination. He'd always thought books to be dull, boring and for people without lives to call their own who needed to live in fantasy. But on the other hand, Juliet was an intelligent woman and there must be something about a book that wasn't so bad after all. "It's about a war in the Seven Kingdoms for the Iron Throne. It's very bloody," she continued, turning the book in her hands.

It had been well read he noticed. She must be re-reading again because the pages were scruffy and dog-eared and the cover had a ring from where someone had set a coffee mug on it long ago.

"I've never really been into books much," he shrugged, unable to fathom why a book about war would be of any interest to her. "But it sounds interesting I guess," he cocked his head to the side and studied her amused expression.

If she liked it, then he supposed it must be something pretty damn awesome. His curiosity about it and the worlds it held got the better of him again. "Do you think, you could maybe read me some?" he swallowed, looking everywhere but her face now as a blush spread over his cheeks. He hoped he hadn't sounded like a child when he'd asked that. He didn't know what time she had to leave at or if she wanted to stay even longer. Maybe she had other things to do today. She must have. A popular girl like her? She'd have people fighting for her attention all day long-

"Okay." His look of surprise was short lived. She smiled warmly and shifted on the couch until she was even closer to him than they had been before. Pressing two fingers on his chest, she pushed him until he was half lying down with one foot still on the floor and the other on the couch. With that, she draped herself over him and his body went tense for a second before he realized she was just getting comfortable.

"Don't worry," she murmured, lips against his jaw. "I promise not to take advantage of you." His chest rumbled with a laugh and she returned it at the thought of her overpowering him. He was a big guy and she looked so petite that he could see himself worrying about breaking her. Although to be fair she'd proved to be far more resilient than he gave her credit for. He relaxed again. She lay her head down over his heart, the steady beat in her ear nice and comforting. Just the right speed to read at.

Shawn looped a warm, tentative arm around her waist to hold her still, his big hand resting on her hip while the other went to the opposite side and pressed against her waist so that he was basically hugging her to his body. She snuggled into him as she opened the book back to the first page again. Shawn had never done anything like this before. It had been so long since he'd had anyone to be intimate with he almost didn't know what to do with himself. Girls in the bar didn't look at him twice and he didn't blame them really. He always looked as though he was about to hold the place up or start a fight. They tended to avoid him and the few he'd ever let get close had taken one look at his arms or found out about his demons and they'd run in the opposite direction.

It had been a desperately lonely few years.

Then there was this woman, this extraordinary woman, pressed against him and not even flinching when his arms came into contact with her skin. He'd known there was something special about her from the moment he'd spotted her calling Greg out on his bullshit. He'd been so impressed. If someone had told them that he'd be holding her in his arms only a few days later, exposed and vulnerable but actually content for once, he'd have laughed them out of the door. Yet here he was, Juliet tucked up in his embrace on his couch and he felt oddly protective of her. She felt so soft on him and she was so unused to the things that haunted his life. He wanted to keep her safe from all of those awful things; keep her pure and light. He made a promise to himself that he would try.

Juliet was oblivious to his inner musings, just seemingly happy to be so close to him. She held the book open in one hand and her other reached up to thread through his hair, playing with the messy strands absently. It was the most comfortable position he'd ever been in and he pulled her as close as he could.

"Prologue, as told by Will," she began in a soothing voice, even though the story was anything but.

By the time Juliet got to the end of the first chapter, Shawn was lost forever in a world of Wildlings, The mysterious Wall and The noble Starks of Winterfell. Every word she spoke sent a warm breath over the expanse of his chest, forcing him to hold back shivers of delight now and again. He became entranced by her passion as she read and he'd never heard a story told quite like it before. There were fearsome creatures and things he'd never have been able to think up in his wildest of dreams and there was some pretty messed up stuff in his head. It was all betrayal and bravery and blood, just as she'd said it was. It didn't wash over the brutality of life the way other books did. He loved it. He could have listened to her read it for hours on end and they did.

They were almost five chapters in when Shawn's stomach grumbled underneath her and she paused to laugh loudly. "You need to eat something," she patted his stomach playfully, turning her head so she was resting her chin on his chest. He tucked his chin down to meet her eye. Even though she'd been looking after him all day, she was still concerned about his health and his well being. He stretched and yawned, wishing they didn't have to get up. She untangled herself from him slowly- limb by limb- until they were two people again instead of one.

"Okay. What would you say to some pizza?" he asked, that being the first thing to come to mind. He hadn't been shopping in a week and he didn't trust the food in his cupboards at all. So he might as well treat her to something considering she'd just brightened up his life considerably. It was the least he could do for crying out loud.

She nodded her agreement and he went in search of his house phone. They ordered something disgustingly large, with extra everything on it because even Juliet's stomach was rumbling lightly now and he was starving beyond belief. He knew he'd been putting off a serious conversation since he'd woken up but everything had just been so perfect that he hadn't wanted to ruin it. Although, when he was finished ordering he finally knew he couldn't stall anymore. He needed to sit down with her and talk properly. He hung up and set the phone next to his TV on the only stand that wasn't broken.

"Jules... I think we should probably talk, don't you? Just to see where we both stand?" he asked quietly, playing with his hands and wishing suddenly that he was dressed for such a serious conversation. Boxer shorts did not scream adult conversation. Well... a different kind of adult maybe but not this one.

She didn't say anything, just patting the couch cushion next to her and he sat down heavily. He didn't have a single clue where to even begin but it seemed that Juliet did. Once again she was saving his ass. Shifting closer, she linked her arm through his and rested her cheek on his shoulder with a little sigh. "What's on your mind?" she asked, clearly giving him no room to argue about the question.

He gave a dry laugh.

"What isn't?" he ducked his head and massaged his forehead. "Am I insane Jules?" he asked suddenly, his head rising again. Their eyes met. "Am I insane to be this... this hooked on you in such a short amount of time? I know it's crazy and fast but its been so long since someone has treated me like I was worth something. You have to understand Jules, my life isn't like yours at all. I'm messed up from so much crap..." he didn't look at her while he spoke but he could feel her eyes on his face all the same.

"Shawn..." she began but he kept going. He needed to get this out.

"Look, I know I can't offer you much in the way of stability Juliet but if you maybe wanted to take a chance with me, I'll promise to give it my all. All I can offer is me and I know you're getting the raw end of the deal here but I need to know what you think about it..." he swiveled around in his seat to look her in the face, his hands finding hers and their fingers lacing together. He ran his fingers over her smooth, soft palm, marveling at just how much smaller they were compared to his. His dwarfed hers considerably and once again he felt that strange surge of protectiveness towards her. Keeping one hand between his, she pulled the other away and lifted it to cup his cheek.

"In my opinion, Shawn... you're the best part of the whole deal and you don't even know it," she leaned forward, her nose bumping with his. "You don't give yourself any credit. I know this is new and it's fast but it doesn't scare me like I thought it would. I want the chance to get to know you. Really know you. So lets not over think it okay? We'll see where this takes us." Her voice didn't waver like he'd expected it to. She was sure of what she wanted and it was just another trait in her that made him want her more. "That also means we have to go on a proper date okay? One where you don't run away from me halfway through," he knew from her tone she was teasing him but he went red all the same and a light smile played over her lips. "We'll take things slowly. Get to know each other a little more. Do we have a deal?"

Like he was ever going to say no to her when she was offering him more than he'd ever had before. More than he'd ever dreamed of in grim and hopeless lonely nights. He was gone already.

This was a chance with a gorgeous woman who didn't judge him about the scars on his arm or the scars on his heart. She wanted him anyway, as depressed as he was with baggage and all included. He could feel the voice brooding away quietly in his head, clearly unamused at the sudden turn of events and looking for a chance to strike. Juliet was taking away it's plaything and it didn't like that. It was the puppet master and the all important strings were in threat of being cut. Shawn watched her adoringly and the voice wilted a little. He didn't even give it the opportunity to say anything and ruin this moment. He nodded his agreement instead, his lips curving into a rare smile just for her. No, his little demon would just have to wait for now.

"It's a deal," he finally answered, raising her knuckles to his lips and brushing them softly with a kiss. Juliet's face lit up and she laughed, pulling her hand from his and tackling him with surprising force backwards onto the couch with a yell of delight. He landed with an '_oompfh_' against the cushions and she fell on top of him, limbs tangling again like they had before.

Her sweet lips found his, hot but soft kisses drawing shameless moans from the both of them. He breathed her in deeply because she smelled of cinnamon and warmth and he was intoxicated by it. So unique and feminine... He hadn't had a woman like this for so long that his reaction was almost inevitable. They pulled apart when Juliet noticed, his face red and both their breathing heavy. Juliet said nothing about it though and didn't mention stopping at all. She just dipped in for more of his kisses and was now pressed fully against his partial erection. Shawn groaned long and low into her mouth at the friction, his tongue stroking hers and her hands in his hair.

This had escalated very quickly...

His hands found her hips and he hiked her higher on his body, feeling one of her legs hitch up and over his hip. "Jules," he muttered into her mouth and a whimper escaped her. They were tugging and pulling and pushing against each other, hands fumbling and slipping tentatively under clothing. Mainly hers. His fingers splayed out over the heated skin of her back, just under the hem of her shirt because he didn't know if she'd be okay with it.

She arched into his touch. She was fine with it. Shawn's hips bucked upwards when her thigh grazed his length again, the movement sudden and jerking their already unstable position. Juliet gave a start when he moved so quickly and then a shriek as they rolled off of the couch and right onto the floor with a heavy thud.

Worried that he was too heavy for her, Shawn raised himself up in a semi-push up to hover over her. "Are you alright?" he asked, startled that he'd landed on her and concerned in case she'd hurt herself. Juliet didn't share his concern, lifting herself up on her elbows so that their faces were close together once more. Her breath was humid on his lips and they were kissing again. Shawn's restraint went out of the window and he lowered himself back onto her. She quickened his pace with her hand on the back of his neck, tugging him closer. His thighs were comfortably encased by hers, her leg yet again hooked around the back of his thigh to hold him there.

"I'm pretty damn good," she eventually answered his question, fingers playing along his spine as she seemingly counted the vertebrae one by one.

Her other hand was on the small of his back, just above his boxer shorts and it was making him undeniably nervous. He couldn't even say when she'd managed to flip him over but suddenly he was on his back, the carpet warm from where she'd been moments before and she was sitting on his stomach with her hands on his chest. He was secretly glad that she hadn't chosen to sit in his lap because he was still hard and it could lead to a very embarrassing situation. His palms found the tops of her thighs and they were still, just staring at each other.

* * *

She ran her hands over his forearms with a grin he couldn't quite decipher. She was such an enigma and he liked it that way. Her hands fell away from his arms then and went back to his chest, running circles and patterns over his skin. She wanted him to know that she liked his body no matter what he may think of it. She wasn't repulsed by his scars at all. She was intrigued by them more than anything and she couldn't fathom how anyone could shun him just because of them. He was hot between her thighs and she thoroughly enjoyed the feeling while it lasted. She figured that there was no room for her to be shy about their bodies since he clearly was.

She would have to be confident for both of them.

Leaning down again, she found his lips with hers and nibbled teasingly on his bottom one before running her tongue over it. When she pulled away he was wide eyed but grinning from ear to ear and she leaned forward to do it again. She didn't want this afternoon to end. It was amazing- "Hey, your pizza came- Whoa!" they both jumped out of their skin at the shout of surprise when the door swung open and Chloe stood there, shielding her face with their pizza box. Juliet scrambled out of Shawn's lap, but stayed in front of him seeing as his... problem, was still very much making itself known. Shawn got to his feet as well, rolling his eyes at the intrusion.

She hadn't been embarrassed before but she damn well was now. "Jesus, don't you ever knock?" she heard him grumble from behind her, his hands on her waist as he kept himself hidden. Chloe still hadn't uncovered her eyes, waiting until Juliet cleared her throat before she did. Her face said it all, shock wise.

"Well how was I supposed to know you were getting it on in here!?" she cried indignantly at his question, handing the pizza and the drinks they'd ordered to Juliet at arms length. "I thought you'd still be asleep or you'd be getting ready for the food you ordered." She crossed her arms, not amused at being snapped at by him.

Juliet calmed them down a little bit.

"What Shawn meant to say was," she elbowed him lightly in the side and he exhaled into her ear. "Thank you for bringing our food up to us. It was very thoughtful of you," she smiled, even through her shame of being caught practically pinning Shawn to the floor while she made out with him. Although the brunette did run a bar so Juliet assumed she'd seen worse from the patrons. Still... "Would you like some?" she offered but Chloe shook her head with a smile, before motioning to her.

"You see Shawn? That's how you treat your landlord. Or landlady, I'm not sure what category I should fall into. I'll pass on the pizza though, thanks Juliet. We'll be opening up in an hour and I left Greg alone with Marcus. Chances are someone has probably been stabbed by now," Shawn snorted at her joke, knowing exactly what she meant. Chloe seemed pleased that he'd laughed at all. It had been a while since she'd heard a genuine one of those from him. "Everything else okay then?" she added onto the end, clearly curious if Shawn was feeling better or not. Well, he wasn't better by a long way, but he was rested and in the beginning of a budding relationship. That was progress right? Juliet gave a warm smile at her barely hidden concern. It was nice knowing that he had someone else looking out for him in this place, even if Chloe was a little rough around the edges sometimes.

"Everything's fine," Shawn answered, ignoring the look of sheer amusement on her face when she quirked an eyebrow at him.

"I'll bet it is," she could hardly contain the smug look of '_someones going to get laid soon_' that appeared on her face. Noticing Shawn's sudden agitation with the situation, Juliet glanced at the door behind Chloe and for once the other woman seemed to take the hint. "Right, I'll be off then. Are you playing tonight Shawn? The bands on about nine if you're interested in leaving your apartment. I'll even give Juliet some front row seats for the show," she offered, mustering up some kindness. Shawn looked torn for a moment before glancing at the top of Juliet's head. He supposed he could play a little bit, if she was there. He nodded his consent and she looked thrilled, her face beaming. "Fantastic. See you two later. Enjoy your se- pizza. Enjoy your pizza," she cleared her throat after her almost tongue slip, before slipping out of the door and shutting it quietly.

They only heard her burst into laughter somewhere near the end of the hallway and Juliet turned in his arms to bury her face into his chest.

"I've never been so embarrassed in my life..." she groaned and his chest rumbled under her cheek with a soft laugh. "Next time, we lock the door. Agreed?" she said, her voice muffled slightly. He wrapped his arms around her, holding her as close as he possibly could without squishing her. She felt him nod against her, his cheek resting on top of her head. They remained that way a little while longer, happy to just stand so close even if the food was getting cold."So," she finally continued. "I'm getting to see you play tonight huh? Exciting," she said enthusiastically, bouncing in his arms and snaking hers around his neck so her fingers could play with his hair.

"If you're into that sort of thing," he nodded in agreement and she shook her head. It was going to take a lot of hard work to get his self-esteem up to where it should be. But, she supposed that having him bare armed in front of her today was a brilliant start. Leaning close to him, noses almost touching, she gave a sly grin.

She'd seen him play before of course, on that first night when he'd intervened on her behalf. That was different though. There was a world of difference between watching a stranger play and watching a man whom she'd just made out with on the floor of his apartment, play. It made him ten times sexier because she knew what lay underneath that shirt he'd be wearing. She'd have kissed those gorgeous, powerful arms that had her entranced before. She was desperately looking forward to it now.

"Didn't you know Shawn? I have a real thing for drummers."

He roared with laughter, capturing her mouth again and lifting her feet off of the ground. She giggled as he spun her around a few times before his feet tangled with themselves and they fell backwards into the couch again. They caught their breath for a few seconds before Shawn went for their food, running into the kitchen for plates and glasses. She'd eaten pizza a thousand times before then, with all sorts of people but as they shared their meal and talked some more about pointless little things, she realized she'd never enjoyed it more.

* * *

**A/N: My baby has had such a rough life. I hate myself for doing that to him. Anyway, on a brighter note, happy Easter everyone! I hope you're enjoying it so far. I've been holed up in my house playing Bioshock Infinite and having feelings about a video game character. Granted, he is a hot video game character but all the same... Anyhow, hopefully you'll all be doing something much more productive than myself this holiday. Have a great one anyway. Next chapter Shawn gets himself in a bit of trouble because of his short temper. I'll bet it doesn't lead to a world of puppy's...**

**Reviews are like playing the Xbox for three days straight. You end up with a hunchback, severely worn down thumbs and hissing like a vampire whenever someone opens the curtains. Get the sunlight away from me! It's burns!**


	6. Chapter 6

_Don't give us none of your aggravation_  
_We had it with your discipline_  
_Saturday night's alright for fighting_  
_Get a little action in_

_Get about as oiled as a diesel train_  
_Gonna set this dance alight_  
_'Cause Saturday night's the night I like_  
_Saturday night's alright, alright, alright_

**Saturday Night's Alright (For Fighting):- Elton John**

* * *

Shawn went to get himself dressed when they'd finally finished their food. He didn't think boxer shorts would be suitable for a show although Juliet had slyly informed him otherwise. That was going to take a while to get used to. She'd promised to be on her best behavior and not to peek. True to her word she'd let him get on with it although he almost wished she hadn't because he was still tense and burning from where her body had pressed against his. He showered and found some clean clothes that fit in well with the bar downstairs. He wasn't particularly looking forward to facing people after his two days of being a recluse. He enjoyed being alone and there were only so many people he could stomach being around at the same time. Social situations really didn't suit him. Anyway, the only real reason he was going to play tonight was because of the woman currently in his living room.

His fellow band members certainly wouldn't miss him if he didn't show up and there was definitely no love lost between them.

Jake, the lead singer, was a pretentious asshole who thought himself God's gift to women. Tall and blonde, he believed that wearing black clothes and having a rough voice made him so very rock and roll. Shawn despised him for so many reasons other than that. He'd probably been the ringleader of Greg's little round up a few nights ago. The very thought of him touching Juliet made Shawn feel nauseous and he had to force his thoughts away from it. He was very glad he'd intervened now. Jake enjoyed women more so than anyone else who worked in the bar. Every night, several different women would roll out of the back room looking mortified and used. He'd always felt such a surge of pity for them because they hadn't known what they were getting into.

Jake had a way of making a girl feel ever so special and then throwing her aside so that he could crush her spirit in ways Shawn couldn't even imagine. Jake didn't think that his night was worth anything unless he'd slept with at least four different women and Shawn had heard a rumor from Gus that he always refused to wear protection. That both amused and horrified him. Amused because one day the stupid asshole was going to catch something and horrified because he wondered just how many women he'd gotten pregnant over the years.

So yes, Jake wasn't his friend by any lengths. Marcus was alright, Shawn supposed. They were always civil to each other and he supposed that guitar players and drummers were more in sync with each other that lead singers. He left Shawn alone and Shawn returned the courtesy with pleasure. Sometimes they would say hi in the hallway or ask about each others day, but that was it. He supposed Marcus was a nice enough guy and it was a shame they'd never hit it off the way they should have.

The last band member was Chris and just thinking about the bass player made Shawn shudder in something resembling revulsion and disgust.

He had a criminal record that only a few people were aware of. Chloe knew about it and Shawn had often wondered why she let him into the bar knowing what he'd done to that woman. He'd asked her about it one day and she'd given a heavy sigh. She hadn't really had a choice, she informed him. Chris was the only one that Jake would let play with them and she couldn't afford to lose the band or the bar would start losing money again. That had been a week or so after they'd had a near miss with the electricity bills and Shawn understood what she meant. If she fired Chris, the band would leave and she'd be left without a solid income. They'd be screwed. She was backed into a corner because of them.

Buttoning up his dark shirt, he surveyed himself in the mirror and for once, he thought '_not bad_'. Nothing corrected him. He frowned openly. That was worrying. Whenever his mind went silent like that, it always concerned him. It meant that it would hit him even harder later. It was building up to something big that would try and rip him apart. He should have been able to enjoy the quiet moments but they mainly filled him with dread. His episodes were always worse after the moments of peace.

Shaking his head free of thoughts, he went back to getting dressed. Scrutinizing the shirt he wondered about it. He would be too warm in it but it covered his arms at least. That was the most important thing. Sure, Juliet had seen his arms but that didn't mean he wanted them on display again tonight for anyone to see. Jake already ripped at him with snide little comments and he could do without that tonight. He didn't want anything to bring his mood down from his day spent with Juliet. He was on a rare high and she was the reason for it. Juliet and her soothing voice and soft lips that brought him to his knees. He was supposed to be tough and impenetrable. No-one was supposed to be able to get through the wall he'd spent years building around himself. When he was alone, the defenses broke down, yes. But never when he was with someone and never had he made himself so vulnerable before. He didn't know if this was a step forward or if he should be terrified of what it meant.

Thankfully, his thoughts were interrupted by Juliet herself and a gentle knock on the bathroom door. Shawn opened it, giving her a little smile of affection. She looked so gorgeous with her arms crossed and her expression stern. He must have taken longer than he'd thought.

"I was starting to think you'd escaped out of the window," she teased, motioning to it. He glanced around, scratching the back of his head and then smoothing down the part he'd messed up.

"I tried but it was too small," he returned, making her laugh and reach out to take his hand. Her serious expression was gone and was replaced by a happier one. His own wasn't far off of happy either because she was holding his hand tightly in hers and it had been forever since he'd held someones hand. Taking some initiative and hoping she wouldn't mind too much, he stopped dead and used her hand to pull her against him firmly. She hit his chest, arms circling his waist to stop herself from falling anymore. "Thank you," he muttered, pressing a kiss to the top of her head and then one to her lips when she raised her face to his. There was no way they were just friends, he decided then and there.

"Don't mention it," she murmured against his mouth before biting down on his bottom lip softly. Shawn groaned. This girl was doing things to him and he really couldn't afford to get aroused again today. He'd already had to force away one erection not forty five minutes ago and he could do without another one making itself known. So, with one last kiss, he turned her in his arms and marched her to the front door. She laughed, clearly knowing what he was doing. She could read him like the open book he was with her.

From the time they'd been interrupted to the moment they were actually ready to go down to the bar, the lower room had filled up with people who were waiting for the band to start playing. It was eight o'clock now and even though he still had an hour before he was needed, Shawn wanted to make sure Juliet would be okay when he left her alone. He didn't want something happening to her. He hadn't been kidding about extra security. He'd have a word with Gus and ask him to watch out for her while he was playing. Yeah, that would do it, he seemed pleased with himself. She noticed him smiling softly on their way down the stairs and nuzzled his upper arm, their hands still joined between them. Shawn opened the door for her, hoping she didn't notice just how eager he was or just how much adoration he was pouring into his gaze every time he looked at her. It would be embarrassing for him if she knew just how enamored he was with her.

He could have stayed in the apartment for hours with her, just watching her do simple little tasks like read or eat pizza. More kissing would also be a suitable past time. Lots more kissing. He struggled to keep his face straight and ward off a threatening smirk. It wasn't his fault that she turned him on so easily. Juliet was, for lack of any better word, hot. Yes, she was beautiful and smart and all those other things that made him so head over heels, but she was also a killer in high heels with the ability to turn heads when she walked past.

It both worried and aroused him.

The worry that she could get any man she wanted with only a smile... No matter what she insisted, he knew she could do far better than him and what if one of the many men who hit on her was someone she found she actually liked? What then? He wouldn't try and stop her. Not when she could have a chance at a relationship with someone who wasn't an emotionally stunted wreck. But he would cross that bridge if they ever came to it. For now, he would focus more on the arousal part of his problem. Well, he said _problem_... In his teenage years he'd never gotten close enough to a woman for a relationship and when he'd arrived here, he'd been with at max, two women and that had been it for the last four years. He was inexperienced, even if he didn't look it. It wasn't enough to be nervous but the fact that he was horribly self conscious about his body really didn't help.

Then Juliet had looked at him and she didn't care about his scars or his tattoo or his piercings. She'd taken him in, drinking him up with her eyes. She'd looked and she'd still wanted to pin him on the floor and kiss him senseless. She'd rubbed against his erection like she actually wanted him and that had turned him on more than anything else in the world. He still hated his body and he still couldn't stand the mess of his arms but it didn't matter when Juliet was pressed into him like that. He made a mental note to himself to ask someone about the best way to make things, well, good for her if they ever did get around to sleeping together.

That was going to be a bitch of a conversation to have.

The heat of the room hit them like an actual wall, built up from close bodies and alcohol and Shawn wrapped a big protective arm around her shoulders so he could steer her in the direction of the stage. There really was something primal under the surface when she was near him that he couldn't seem to shake off. He didn't want anyone else touching her and so help them if they did and she hadn't given her permission. He could just envision himself ripping someones arm off if it came to it. If there was one thing Shawn had observed from the bar it was then sometimes men thought themselves above the _'Look but don't Touch'_ rule. Hell, plenty of the women did as well. Alcohol just seemed to loosen peoples morals and 'no' suddenly turned into a loose 'yes' with another beer. He couldn't count how many times himself, Gus and Chloe had found some poor, practically comatose girl being led outside for some 'fresh air' by a guy she wasn't even there with. At one point it was getting so frequent that they knew half of the night crew on the NYPD by name and number.

Thankfully all of the girls so far had been fine after a night in observation and thanks to Big Frank and his eagle eye, no-one had gotten their mark further than his front door. The thought of it happening to Juliet though... His stomach churned and he bit back a snort of disgust. If anyone touched her or even looked at her without permission, he'd personally make sure they left the bar with the words '_Scumbag Rapist_' branded on their foreheads.

They made it through the crowd without any incident though Shawn still kept a tight arm around her. She may have been tougher than she looked and fully able to deal with his crap, but she wasn't as world wise or as skeptical as he was. She'd taken that drink from him on the night they met without any precautions and he could have been anyone. He could have been a rapist or a murderer and he suddenly wanted to scold her for being so careless. What if she'd have gotten hurt?

"Hey, what's wrong?" she asked, a frown on her face when she noticed his expression.

He realized he'd been scowling and brightened his features a little to reassure her. "Nothing," he shook his head. "Nothing, I just hate-" he motioned around as they squeezed through another gap. "You know. Other people," he finished lamely, shrugging in apology. She smiled, taking his hand again.

"Other people do suck," she agreed teasingly, pressing a kiss to his cheek before she took the lead again. With that kiss, Shawn's thoughts suddenly drifted away from the dark and moved onto brighter things, like just how full the bar was tonight. That would mean a good nights takings and a good head start on next months bills. Chloe would be happy for a few days at least.

Juliet's palm was warm against his and he allowed her to pull him through the crowds while his mind drifted here and there over different things. Chloe had mentioned a table near the front for them and he spotted the reserved sign easily enough. They sat down when he pulled her seat out for her and a few people shuffled aside at his request so she had a clear view of the stage. Juliet leaned into his side and rested her head on his shoulder, looping an arm through his. Shawn hummed his approval loudly, so she could hear over the blare of the tracks playing through the speakers. Big Frank wandered past the couple and nodded at them in some secret signal, before continuing to cut through the crowd like a knife through butter. He returned a few minutes later with two drinks, compliments of Gus who was manning the bar tonight. Shawn looked over and made sure it was him before they actually drank though.

Juliet's was light on alcohol but his was his usual, heavy and burning. He offered her a sip and she almost spit it out. He laughed at her look of horror. "It's fine once you get used to it," he said, tracing the rim of the glass with his middle finger. Juliet gave him an incredulous look. "No, I'm serious. It burns at first but then it sort of dulls down. That's how people become alcoholics in the first place. They need more and more because their senses get dulled after a while to it. So they need more to get the same kick out of it. Shame really," he muttered, turning the glass in his hand so the ice clattered against the side. He didn't notice her hand until it was on his, her gaze soft.

"_Shame it hasn't killed you._" He smiled sourly. "Of course, there are plenty of other reasons people drink, I'm sure..."

"Want to talk about it?" she asked, leaning in. He did, desperately. However the music was loud and this was no time to burden her with all of his sorrows. She would be the one in need of a strong drink by the time he was done, he thought dryly. So instead he shook his head and kissed her lips, glancing at the clock on the wall and jumping up when he realized it was ten minutes to nine and he would be late if he didn't move now. He moved to get up but she grabbed his shirt collar and brought his face close. "Break a leg," she smiled, nipping his bottom lip before releasing him.

"Tease," he retaliated.

"Yeah, but you like it." He stared at her for a second before nodding vigorously with a wicked grin, hoping she'd tease him just a little bit more before she had to leave tonight. She didn't. She just kissed him again, letting his tongue in as soon as he asked for permission and meeting it with hers. They groaned simultaneously, Shawn's fingers threading through her hair and pulling her closer. He only remembered the show when she pulled away and told him to get a move on. He jumped to it, still a little heady from the kiss.

He swayed a little bit before straightening himself and heading backstage- not seeing the little twitch of curtains from the stage.

When he gave one last wave to her, he pushed the door open and was immediately met by Chris, wearing such a shit-eating grin that Shawn hardly even needed a reason to punch him in the face. He felt his fingers flex involuntarily when he saw him, already on edge because Chris didn't talk to him unless it was to say something ultimately dickish. Although to be fair, he knew where the line was most of the time and he'd only ever crossed it once. After six stitches and a black eye that hadn't healed for a week, Chris had learned when to fuck with Shawn and when not to. But it still didn't mean that Shawn hated the sick little fucker any less. He rolled his shoulders under his shirt to loosen them. If he didn't then his neck would ache like crazy tomorrow morning.

"Say, Spencer," Chris began with his usual whiny drawl, the very same one that grated on his nerves like nothing else. He was already tense the second he'd left Juliet out there by herself, even if Gus and Big Frank were there to keep an eye on her. Shawn noticed Chloe glance at them from across the room, concern on her face. She needn't have worried, he thought. He wasn't planning on starting something with a show this close. He pushed past Chris to go and help her with the crate she was shifting seeing as no-one else was volunteering. She handed it over gratefully and he moved it while Chris looked pissed off at being ignored.

"I said, _Spencer_," he spoke slowly, as though Shawn was slow and he could feel every muscle in his body seize up to the point of pain. If he started something... Chloe noticed and gave Chris a clear warning.

"Leave him be, douche face. He doesn't need your shit tonight and if I hear one more word out of place then I'll personally see to it that everyone in here knows just why no other bar in New York will take you. Comprende?" she pointed her finger at him, the threat clear in her tone and her body language. Chloe might give Shawn shit about things but she wouldn't stand idly by while other people did it in front of her. She was allowed to after all. She was his friend. Chris knew her threat wasn't empty and he cringed, clearly uncomfortable with something like that being said within earshot of other people.

"Don't blow your panties off, _boss_," he sneered, in the most disrespectful yet submissive tone he could muster. Shawn smirked. Chris was like a dog with his tail between his legs. It was always amusing to see him roll over and play dead when Chloe went on the war path. Sort of like how a cockroach will run from fire. That made him smirk even harder and Chris noticed, his face going red with anger.

"What are you smirking at, you thick fuck?"

Chloe managed to grab Shawn just as he lunged for him, one arm around his middle and her feet planted firmly enough to drag him away from the grinning little shit. Shawn clenched his teeth in rage, his hands tight. He could take being called ugly or reject. He could take snide comments about anything and everything. His skin was thick enough now that it just rolled off of him like water. But if there was one thing he could never stomach being called, it was stupid. That always hit such a raw nerve with him and everyone knew it.

"You had better shut that big mouth of yours Chris or I swear to God I'll set him on you," Chloe warned dangerously, still holding Shawn back.

"I was just gonna ask him who that hot little bitch down front was," Chris stuck his thumbs into the top of his pants, pulling them down slightly. Everything suddenly went very still as the edges of Shawn's vision began to blur red and Chloe tensed in anguish. Had Chris just referred to his Juliet, his gorgeous, wonderful ray of sunshine- as a bitch? "She seemed to know Spencer pretty well. Had her tongue stuck far enough down his throat I thought she was looking for the rest of his soul..." he carried on, noting just how much he was getting to Shawn by doing so. "Tell me, Spencer," he looked thoughtful, his tone mocking.

"Chris, if you value your life, I really wouldn't finish that sentence," Chloe half warned, half pleaded. She didn't know if she could hold Shawn back if he made a real attempt to get away. Shawn was a powerfully built guy, with the same build as a linebacker. Heavy in the shoulders and upper body but still fast enough to outrun even her. She on the other hand, was not a football player nor had she ever managed to tear Shawn off of someone in the midst of a fight without the help of Big Frank and Gus. Hell, even they had problems when he flashed red. Chris was on a dangerous path already, but mentioning Juliet was a one way ticket to death.

"Go to hell, _boss_," he said snidely and Chloe groaned. This would not end well tonight. "I think everyone'll be interested to know Shawn. Does she fuck as well as she kisses? Maybe I should go out there and take her back to my place. I'd be sure to tell everyone what a little freak she is..." his grin was just begging to be short on a few teeth and Chloe had finally had enough.

"Fuck this. Go fetch, boy."

With that, she released her hold on Shawn. He didn't even hesitate to move and she briefly relished the look of horror on Chris's face before Shawn slammed against him so hard that he was knocked off of his feet. Chloe didn't know if it was satisfying or disturbing when Chris screamed in fear and pain under the punches that rained down on his body. She mused that it was somewhere in between before finally relenting and calling for back up to get Shawn to calm down. As much as she would relish seeing Chris, that chauvinistic, self-centered, arrogant, woman using bastard as nothing more than a red smear on the ground, she knew that it would be a bitch to clean to the next day.

Shawn only managed to come back to himself when his back slammed into the ground and Big Frank hovered over him with one big meaty hand on his chest. "Calm yourself Mister Spencer," he spoke in that deep, slow, heavy voice of his that brought him back to his senses. The red left his vision and blurred on his hands instead, sticky with Chris's blood while the lump in the corner groaned and whined softly in pain. He could faintly hear Marcus and Jake screaming in an argument with Chloe through the ringing in his ears but he couldn't be sure. All he could think about was Juliet. How dare that son of a bitch speak about her like that? He had no right what so ever. Just the thought of him touching her almost sent him mad again but he took deep breaths and calmed himself down. He needed to see her. He needed his anchor.

"I'm telling you, he needs to go!"

"And I'm telling _you_," Chloe yelled fiercely into Jake's face. "Your _boy _was provoking him when he knew not to-"

"I don't think you fucking understand-"

"You talk again and I'll shove that guitar where the sun doesn't shine-"

It was chaos that Juliet and Gus walked into. Shawn saw her right away from his position on the floor, his body relaxing suddenly as the tension dissolved. Her hand went to her mouth when she saw the blood on him and Shawn pushed himself up, assuring a concerned Frank that he wasn't about to go on a rampage. He just wanted to see his girl was all. Juliet skidded to her knees beside him while Gus went to check to see if Chris was still alive.

No-one else had bothered so far. He was surprised to see that Shawn had mainly stayed away from landing any bone breaking blows and that Chris was only whimpering from the few cuts he'd sustained. Sure, had they left Shawn to him for much longer, it would have been far worse, but a few little bruises and a hard time moving around for a few weeks might teach Chris to be a decent human being. Glancing around as he stood up, Gus shoved his boot into Chris's side, earning a little '_oomph_' of pain for his trouble.

He whistled merrily as he walked away to aid his friends instead.

On the other end of back stage, Juliet was cupping Shawn's face, her forehead against his. "What happened Shawn?" she asked, rubbing her thumb lightly over his split knuckles. He winced and she stopped. He regaled her with the wonderful tale of what had been said behind the curtain and just why he'd gone bat-shit and beaten Chris to a pulp. He hadn't known what to expect of her reaction. "Shawn," she sighed, disappointment heavy in her voice. He looked at the floor, guilt weighing on him. He felt stupid now for losing it so easily. "Shawn, you can't just do that because he was talking crap to you-"

"But Jules, he was talking about you in such a disgusting way," he almost whined, needing her to understand why he'd attacked him. He hadn't done it for himself. He'd done it for her. He was suddenly glad he hadn't said that out loud because it sounded as ridiculous in his head as it would hanging in the air. He dipped his eyes back to the floor and away from her lovely face. He suddenly felt like the stupidest idiot on the planet. If he kept doing things like this, he would well and truly fuck up any chance of a proper relationship with her.

"Thank you for defending me. But next time, try and do it without beating someone up okay? I don't want you getting hurt over me," her hand cupped his cheek as she pulled his face up to meet hers. Shawn kissed her soundly, any anger that had remained leaving him immediately. Juliet certainly had a calming effect on him more so than any other person he'd ever met. "I'm just sorry I didn't get to see you play again," she pouted a little bit when she pulled away, letting him suck softly on her bottom lip.

"I'll give you a private show during the week," he murmured fervently.

"Is that a promise?" she asked, her voice low and her eyes boring into his. His grin said it all. It was more than a promise. If he hadn't promised himself to take things slowly and treat her like a lady, then he would have taken her back to his room right now this minute for a very private show- nerves or no nerves about his body or his skills. He'd never known anyone to turn him on as fast as she could. Pulling her in for another kiss, it was getting just a little short of indecent when Chloe's loud cough pulled them apart as she sat heavily on a box to their right. They looked at everyone else sheepishly, realizing they'd gotten a little carried away.

"Well," Chloe began, scratching the back of her neck. "We no longer have a band to play three nights a week, which is just wonderful amazing brilliant news that we should all have a party over."

A collective group of swear words rose from the group sitting on the floor. Gus looked defeated and Big Frank looked uneasy. He hadn't found it easy getting a job, even though his big size made him a perfect bouncer or security guard. The whole ex-military thing made bars and clubs a little uncomfortable, but Chloe had needed all the help she could get with the rising drink spiking rate.

"Crap," Shawn groaned, his head falling backwards and his eyes shutting. "Double crap." He'd really fucked it all up now. Chloe was going to lose so much money because the ticket sales for the band were what made up a lot of the weeks income. The only thing that topped it were the alcohol sales. This wouldn't end well for anyone. How the hell would he live with himself if they lost the bar- because of him no less? Where would they all go? He would lose Gus and Big Frank and yeah, even Chloe. She might have to raise the rent on the apartments because while she kept it low for friends she wouldn't be able to swing it for them if money was tight. "I'm sorry I beat up Chris."

"Don't be. The only thing I'm sorry for is that I didn't let you do it sooner," Chloe breathed a laugh and Shawn warmed when Juliet's arm wrapped around his shoulders. "We'll be okay. We still have Laura singing every few nights and I'll have the money that I no longer have to pay the idiots, so that's something," she rubbed a hand over her face, smudging her mascara a little bit. "I'll work it out guys. You can count on it, okay?" she smiled reassuringly at her friends. Shawn turned his head to nuzzle at Juliet and she responded, leaning her head on his shoulder as they sat on the floor. Gus and Big Frank sat themselves on crates either side of them, making a circle. "Ideas would be good though," she muttered.

Even Shawn smiled at that. After a few moments of contemplative silence on everyone's behalf, it was Gus who finally looked like he had a great idea. He spoke up with excitement in his voice. Everyone leaned in, eager to hear this new great idea that could save their bar from the tax men.

"Hey, I've got it. I know this idea is a little out there and you've shot me down before but we had a band before and no call for it. We could finally hire... strippers!" Gus looked as though all his Christmas's had come at once at the thought of his idea actually coming to fruition. Chloe's face said it all, as she released a groan of frustration and let her head fall forward into her hands. "What?"

"Every fucking time, Guster. How many times am I going to have to say this? No. Strippers! I will not have this bar turned into a whore house. I don't care how close it is already but hiring strippers would be like promoting it. Sure people have sex in the bathrooms but we don't have rooms specifically dedicated to it. So drop that idea in the toilet and flush my friend."

"Bikini bar?" Frank added in. "Just throwing it out there."

Chloe threw her hands up, getting up from the crate. "How about ideas that don't involve exploiting the female form for money? Hmm? The drink spiking rate has already gone up to more than half of what it was last year and you really want to bring more naive young girls in here and have them strip for horny strangers? How many girls or women come here every year looking for stardom only to end up working in one of those places and being degraded so some guy can get his rocks off? I won't have it guys, I'm sorry but no. I still have a few morals left in my blackened little heart and I'd like to hang onto them for as long as possible." Gus looked guilty now, playing with the bottom of his shirt. "I know you're heart was in the right place Gus. You want to save to bar. Let's just, go about it a different way."

He nodded, miserably. The silence resumed. Shawn glanced over at Juliet, his mind slipping back to that wonderful day he'd watched her dance so gracefully in that school. "What about if it was tasteful dancing?" he mused softly before he could forget about the idea, making everyone look around from their various moping states.

"What?"

"Tasteful. No-one taking their clothes off and no bikinis... What about people who can actually dance, who enjoy doing it? We could have men as well as women, rock and roll enthusiasts like us. They could wear rock gear. Biker jackets and chains, shit like that. We could remodel the stage into something a little higher, maybe take it down the middle of the room a bit. We could get a few more singers for them to dance to as well. We'd have a strictly 'No Touching' policy and charge people at the door to get in. This is a Rock and Roll bar guys, it always was. So why not keep it like that? Make it into something a little less boring and a little more Las Vegas, Bourbon Room?"

He was breathless when he was done and everyone was staring at him like he was either a genius or he was mad. He couldn't work out which one it was. It was making him oddly nervous.

"Juliet?" Chloe cleared her throat and she turned her head away from staring at Shawn in amazement. "Would you please do me a favor?" Juliet nodded. "Would you please kiss that son of a bitch as hard as you can?" she beamed from ear to ear and Shawn could only linger on the joy of his brilliant idea for a moment before Juliet obliged and caught him in an exhilarating kiss to celebrate.

* * *

**A/N: Nothing terribly exciting in this chapter but hey, it's a chapter right? This and the new NAPOS chapter were sort of a tide over seeing as I'm going to be really busy next week. Hopefully I'll find some time to write though, so fingers crossed! **

**Reviews are like dogs. They're covered in fleas and they do things in your shoes when you aren't looking, but you love them anyway!**


	7. Chapter 7

_I make them good girls go bad_  
_I make them good girls go_  
_Good girls go bad_  
_Good girls go bad_

_I know your type_  
_Yeah daddy's lil' girl_  
_Just take a bite_  
_Let me shake up your world_  
_Cause just one night couldn't be so wrong_  
_I'm gonna make you lose control_

_She was so shy_  
_'Til I drove her wild_

_I make them good girls go bad_  
_I make them good girls go bad_  
_You were hanging in the corner_  
_With your five best friends_  
_You heard that I was trouble but you couldn't resist_  
_I make them good girls go bad_  
_I make them good girls go_  
_Good girls go bad_  
_Good girls go bad_  
_Good girls go_

**Cobra Starship:- Good Girls Go Bad**

* * *

"I need to talk to you about something. About Juliet."

Chloe tipped the top of her newspaper down so she could see who was talking to her. It was Shawn, of course. He sat himself in the chair across from her, his elbows planted firmly on the little round table just next to where she was currently resting her feet. He nudged her boots aside with his arm, scraping them across the table until they fell off of one side heavily, landing with a thump just like her tilted chair. She swayed a little, looking none too impressed at being interrupted from her reading as the paper rustled in her hands. Shawn didn't care about her paper one bit.

It had been a whole two weeks since the band had left them high and dry because of his fast fists.

While they hadn't started doing anything more than brainstorming his clever little idea yet, they weren't losing money nearly as fast as Chloe had anticipated and it gave them room to breathe for a while at least. It could at the very most keep the tax man at bay for a while longer. It had also been two glorious weeks of his Juliet O'Hara, the sunshine on any of his dark days and so far he'd only had two minor little episodes- both during the night after Juliet went home. The first one had been more of a panic attack than anything else and he hadn't mentioned it the next to day when she showed up at his door with her usual bright smile. It hadn't been worth the worry on her face and so he'd kept it to himself.

The second one... Well, he could only say that he hadn't slept a wink and Juliet had noticed, being the smart cookie that she is. He'd had to tell her about that one and to her credit, she'd spent the next day helping him through it.

Other than those two blips, he'd been doing fine. Nothing out of the ordinary had happened and he hadn't been in a fight since the one with Chris, which for him was like a personal best. He'd never made it more than four or five days without getting into some kind of scrap but Juliet had kept his mind on other things in the bar at night. Sometimes they didn't even bother with the bar. They would just cuddle on the couch and watch a movie together. Shawn enjoyed those nights more than anything else. They would rent some random movie in black and white or a comedy from the eighties, entwine themselves on his couch and eat so much popcorn that they couldn't move afterwards.

She'd gotten herself in trouble once or twice when they'd fallen asleep together and she'd left her phone on silent. The last time her father had been about to send out a search party to look for her because it was eleven thirty and she was usually home. Shawn found his protectiveness of her relatable. He wanted her safe as well and he showed it by keeping his arms tight around her for nearly all of the time they spent together. Gus joked that they were becoming joined at the hip because you hardly saw one without the other trailing after them. He would hold her hand and she would loop her arm through his. They would kiss each other hello and goodbye and every other excuse in between. She was becoming a regular in the bar and nearly all of the staff knew her by name now. Shawn loved having her around. She brought so much laughter to the place and brightened the dull rooms until they were almost like the place it had been when he'd arrived.

As much as Chloe tried to keep a distance between them because she was technically both Shawn and Gus' boss, she'd eventually fallen in love just like everyone else had. Juliet was like sunshine on a rainy day and people were so drawn to her. She was the most beautiful creature he'd ever known and when she'd managed to crack the shell that was his landlord, he'd known for sure that she fit like the missing part into their dysfunctional little family. She even kept him busy and out of trouble like she'd promised to.

But right now he had something else on his mind, something that had been bugging him for a while.

He knew he'd have to discuss it with someone eventually and he'd sort of floundered when the time had come. He'd tried his only other guy friend first. Well, Gus had been very uncomfortable when Shawn had brought it up and he himself had been equally unable to talk about it with another guy without breaking out into uncomfortable sweats. It turned out men sucked at having serious conversations to do with private matters, so they'd just gone back to playing the Xbox and pretending it had never happened. So that had ended as quickly as it had begun and he was none the wiser for it. He couldn't talk to Juliet about it because well, it was _about_ her and that would be weird.

It wasn't like he was a _total_ newbie when it came to this sort of stuff. He'd done it once or twice before, granted it was quite a few years ago but he still counted it as having some experience. It wasn't like women were breaking down his door, for Gods sake. He had so many issues that it was a miracle that he'd made it this far into a relationship with Juliet at all. That wasn't that what was bothering him anyway. It was the fact that he was so... he didn't think shy was the right word. Nervous was better. He was so nervous that he would ruin or spoil any situation in life and this was no different. He didn't want to ruin this for her.

There was something so tender and loving about sex that just didn't fit him. He wasn't tender or loving or anything soft like that. He didn't know how to be. He was rough and brutal but Juliet wasn't and that frightened him. She was so young and fresh in life. What if he destroyed that? Sex was intimate and full of adoration and while he adored Juliet he didn't know if opening himself up so much would be something she wanted. Being so exposed with another human being on such an emotional level terrified him because that's what it would be like with her. She knew him well, knew all of his little quirks and things that made him tick and to be so totally at her mercy- well, he didn't know if he was excited about it or whether he wanted to run in the opposite direction whenever she pressed herself against him.

He guessed it was mostly the fear that it wouldn't be good for her when they finally did get around to it. He desperately wanted her to enjoy it. He wanted to be able to make love to her, unhurried and passionate so the experience would be memorable and wonderful for her. He wanted her to get at least something out of their relationship even if it was only good sex. Laughing to himself, he shook his head. He wanted a lot of things but nerves and only minor experience did not make for a confidant lover. He'd been tossing and turning in bed at night, wondering when the time came if he'd be able to be the man she wanted him to be.

He wanted to be able to hold her in his scarred arms, lying in that after glow together and he needed advice from a third party on just how to go about making it happen.

Sadly, that third party was now looking at him as though he'd murdered her puppy just because he'd interrupted her morning paper. He was not off to a flying start. When he didn't speak again, she sighed heavily and folded the newspaper in two, tossing it onto the table with a slap and cocking her head to the side lazily. "Okay Spencer. Whenever you give me that sad kitten look, against all better judgement I feel obligated to ask. What the hell could you possibly need from me that has to do with your lady?" His face broke into a grin at hearing Juliet called his lady. He was still getting to grips with having a girl like her actually want him and hearing it out loud was like music to his ears.

He must have been drifting off into his thoughts again because Chloe narrowed her eyes at him and snapped her fingers to get his attention. "Come on man, I have to open up tonight."

He gave her a dry look of annoyance. She could at least try and be sympathetic to just how embarrassing this was for him. "Look, it's sort of a sensitive subject okay? Do you think you could maybe be a little more patient and understanding? This is a very uncomfortable moment for me and I don't need you making it worse. I just need your advice." He was sort of at a loss here. She was the closest thing to a female friend he had and she would just have to suck it up like he did.

"Huh," she laughed lightly. "Sensitive, patient and understanding. Those are not words I have any connotation with. Try Gus. He's all of those things," she went to grab the paper again, thinking the conversation was over but Shawn quickly pulled it out of her reach. He received a sour look for doing that. He brushed it off and went back to trying to reason with her. Perhaps he should have picked a better time to talk to her. Mornings did not suit her well. She was very much a creature of the night and she didn't trust daylight at all. She said it was sneaky.

"Look, you're the only one I have to talk about this with. It's too awkward with another guy and I can't discuss it with Jules because it's about her. Please," he looked desperate. "I need your help." She groaned when he put on the big, pleading eyes and the little pout. Her stone heart trembled momentarily and she heaved a sigh, wondering what she was getting herself into. She sat back in the little metal chair in defeat, giving him the signal to continue. He beamed at her stoic expression. "You're the best Chloe." It would do him well to compliment her at certain points and keep her sweet. She didn't look amused.

"Don't layer it on, Shawn. Get to the point. What's the big secret?"

Well, straight to the point was certainly her style. Shawn was suddenly nervous again. He'd forgotten about the part of actually discussing it. He looked down at his hands, fiddling with his fingers and scratching at his wrist. He missed the looked of amusement pass over Chloe's face. "It's sort of about sex..." he mumbled softly and her face was suddenly a picture. When she remained silent he finally glanced up, his face falling when he saw just how hard she was trying to hold back laughter. A snort escaped. Then another one. Eventually he was sitting looking like he'd been slapped, while she hiccuped and giggled into her arm on the table. He waited politely for her to finish, which took a while. After a while it died down to titters and he raised an eyebrow. He'd never seen her laugh like that before. How nice to know it was at his expense.

She finally composed herself. "Sorry Shawn," she choked out. "Sorry. It was- it was your face!" It bubbled out of her again, her face red and tears forming in the corners of her eyes while he threw his head back in exasperation.

"Stop fucking laughing!" he threw her paper at her. She caught it before it could hit her and swallowed, trying to keep her expression somber while she thought of very unfunny things to keep herself right. It wasn't working well. "While I love it that you find my question so hilarious, you could at least try to help me out instead of laughing at me," he grumbled, sulking childishly. He didn't like being laughed at one bit.

His arms crossed. He desperately needed this advice from her. He was beginning to think that it wasn't a good idea. "Look, " he began. "I'm not a complete novice. It's not like I'm about to ask you how to make out with a girl or how to get a bra off."She snorted again and he glared. "I just wanted to make it good for Juliet. I'm so fucking shy about myself that I thought coming to someone for advice might help me. Just forget it," he went to push his chair away from the table, feeling less than better about his situation, when Chloe reached out and grabbed his forearm.

"Okay, I'm sorry. Really," she actually managed to make it sound sincere and he dropped back into his seat. "You just caught me off guard that's all. What exactly are you asking me here Shawn?"

He groaned, rubbing his hands over his face. "I'm not a virgin by any means but those girls didn't mean anything to me. It was years ago before I got so bad that I couldn't let anyone near me and now I feel so out of touch. Juliet isn't going to get much emotionally from this relationship and I think the least I can do is make the sex good for her. I just don't know how. Sex and making love are completely different and I've never made love before. But I want to, for her. What the hell do I do?" he asked, his hand in his hair.

Chloe puffed her cheeks out, exhaling in the wake of his questions. She hadn't been expecting an actual serious question like that and she took a few moments to deliberate an actual answer for him. It was true that she hadn't seen him with a girl for as long as she could remember. He kept himself to himself- well, when he wasn't starting fights anyway. Other than that he didn't talk to anyone unless it was to order another drink. Girl tended to take one look at him and back away when they saw the tattoo and the piercings and the mean looking expression.

She leaned back on her seat again, resting her hands on her stomach.

"Okay, I'm going to actually try and answer this without making myself look like a dumb ass okay?" He nodded, clearly eager for anything she had to offer him. She looked pensive for a moment before starting. "Look, if I'm honest, I'm possibly the worst person you could have come to about this, mate. I don't do the whole love and romance thing and I'm hardly up to giving someone else relationship advice when I can hardly control my own. The best person you can ask is probably going to be _Juliet_." He blinked slowly before raising an eyebrow in question. She gave him a look as if to say it was obvious.

"Well come on, think about it. Whose going to know her body better? Me or her? If you want to know something about her, go to her."

"Oh..." He hadn't looked at it like that.

"Exactly. So you do exactly what I say. Go to her and ask her all the things that she likes, all the things that get her off and then do them. You listen to me Spencer and listen well. Juliet likes you. Really likes you. Scars, voices and all. That doesn't matter to her. You can be as shy about yourself as you want and you can doubt yourself from here to Kingdom Come but Juliet will be just as turned on by you as you are by her. If you do something she likes then you keep doing it until she can't remember her own name, get me? Then she'll return the favor. Sex is a give and take experience Shawn and it tends to turn into whatever you make of it. So if you set out to make it good for her then she'll know it and it will be good for her... And that's all I have," she finished with a breathy laugh, fist punching the air while he sat with surprise on his face.

"Should I ask her to stay then, tonight?" he wondered aloud and Chloe shrugged.

"Ask her to pole dance in your bedroom for all I care. Just don't be so shy when things come down to it Shawn. You're in an actual adult relationship now and you have a girl who is head over heels for you. Don't be such a wuss, go get her and make her forget her own name," she gave a grin and even though he didn't approve of her wording, the meaning underneath it was actually pretty sound.

He hadn't thought of any of those things at all. It all seemed so very simple when things came down to it. Just ask Juliet what she liked and then do it. A kid could figure it out. He'd never considered the option that Juliet might actually be as aroused by him as he was by her. He'd just assumed that he had no self-control and left it at that.

But thinking back, it had been her rubbing against him and kissing him and generally driving him crazy. He should have just sucked it up and asked her in the first place rather than put himself through all of this embarrassment. So screw it. He'd bring it up tonight or even when she arrived. He'd strive to make it the best damn sex they'd both ever had and his grin made Chloe raise an eyebrow. "So, how did I do?" she asked, wondering if she could read her paper again now that he was satisfied.

He patted her arm, thankful that she was a girl. Or at least pretended to be one. "Well, even though you managed to insult me by laughing and tell me that I should ask Juliet to pole dance for me..." she didn't even sort of look sorry. "Other than that, you did pretty good. You should be an agony aunt." She snorted with laughter.

"Sexual problems only. That would be my tagline."

"Ha. Send me your darkest, most intimate secrets and give me a good laugh. I think it could sell." She nodded in amusement and Shawn continued. "Thanks very much for that. I'll take it all on board and I'm gonna talk to Jules the second she gets here-"

"Talk to me about what?" Juliet's curious voice echoed through the room and almost made them both jump half a foot in the air in surprise. The girl was like a ninja when she wanted to be. Neither one of them had heard the front door open being so engrossed in the conversation. He briefly wondered what she was doing here so early before he remembered that she didn't have any other obligations like dance class today and she could come over and spend the whole morning and afternoon with him. His face flushed at the thought of her arriving when Chloe had been giving her ever so wise advice. He'd never have recovered.

"If you tell anyone about this conversation, I'll smother you with a pillow," he quickly hissed in the brunettes direction, out of ear shot of his girl. She rolled her eyes in exasperation at all of the sudden secrecy.

"What conversation?" she muttered back and Shawn felt himself sag in relief before turning back to Juliet, who was making her way across the room. He soon forgot about keeping any secrets because Juliet was wearing a worn old Black Sabbath tee-shirt and ripped jeans and he seriously approved of the way they hugged her body. He'd noticed her wardrobe had changed quite a bit lately to coincide with the look of the bar. She informed him that the clothes were so comfortable she'd even taken to wearing them around the house. Even though her father disapproved. He, on the other hand, loved her new style. She'd even stolen one of his many shirts to wear around the bar.

He couldn't even bring himself to protest because it looked so much sexier on her than it ever had on him.

"Nothing Jules," he finally answered her question. "Just something I need to talk to you about when we're alone," he shot Chloe a look and she glared back. Was he really kicking her out of her own bar?

Juliet sidled up to him and kissed him in greeting, smiling against his mouth before slipping into his embrace and seating herself on his lap. "You look gorgeous today, have I mentioned that yet?" he mumbled to her softly, nuzzling her neck and making her laugh while Chloe rolled her eyes. This was not the way her morning was supposed to go. She'd been looking forward to a coffee and her paper but clearly the universe had other plans for her. While Shawn cuddled with Juliet, she snatched up her things. She needed to get away from all the love in the air. It was making her nauseous.

"Well, this has been just lovely Shawn; we should never do it again," she looked at him pointedly, completely serious. She had at most, one good moment of advice and humanity a year. She'd used up her quota this morning. Turning to Juliet, she gave a warm smile. "Good morning Juliet, hope you're doing alright. I'll see you all later when I'm in a more cheerful disposition," she drawled, making her way across the hall. They watched her go, Shawn's head resting on Juliet's shoulder and his breath pleasantly warm on her neck.

"Thanks Chloe," he called suddenly, finally remembering his manners. He really was thankful for her advice, as begrudging as it had been. "It meant a lot." All she gave the young pair was a knowing smile as she left, waving her hand over her shoulder. "Well, that was weird," he mumbled before going back to attacking his girl with kisses.

From her neck to her forehead he didn't stop until she was giggling and batting him away with breathless laughter. He really did love seeing her first thing in the morning. It made his whole day so much brighter. "Hello, Miss O'Hara," he grinned, before plucking at the bottom of her shirt. "Is that one of mine, by any chance?" he nodded to the offending garment, smooth as anything with a grin on his face. Juliet laughed against him, pressing her lips to his jaw and ruffling his hair a bit.

"I shrank it in the wash yesterday so I could wear it. I think I could get used to all these free clothes," she replied, arms entwining around his neck comfortably. He grinned. He'd wondered why it looked oddly familiar. It wasn't like he minded. She could have anything she wanted from him and she wouldn't have to ask. "Plus, if I keep doing it then that means eventually you'll just have to walk about the apartment shirtless all the time and that's just good news for everyone," her voice lowered and she dipped in to press a kiss to his Adam's apple. Shawn's whole body hummed in approval under her fingertips. Woman knew how to press all of his buttons at the right time. She could make him go from growling one minute to a purring like a cat the next. Magic hands, she informed him.

"So, back to business then Spencer," she pulled away and gave him a sudden no-nonsense look. "How was last night? Did anything happen that I should know about?"

He struggled to recall through the haze of having her on his lap and the morning's conversation. Last night had been decent enough. A few bad dreams and some whispering in the back of his mind but it was a damn sight better than the screams he usually dealt with. The last terrible attack had been the one he'd told her about with that voice raging and egging him on throughout the night. The things it had said had been dreadful and he'd ended up half suffocating himself with a pillow in an attempt to drown out the noise. He dreaded to think what he'd looked like the next morning when he'd answered the door.

She hadn't judged him though and she'd kept his spirits up that day like never before. He'd never recovered from an episode as quickly as he had that one. Usually it was two or three days before he went back down to the bar. But holding onto her hand like a lifeline, he'd managed it that night and he'd found that the company of his friends actually made things easier as well. He should have tried it months ago.

Pressing his lips to the back of her hand, he answered. "A couple of mutters but nothing major. Nothing I haven't dealt with before," he tried to play it down as always but he could see the worry enter her eyes again. "Come on, don't fret about me so much. I'll survive," he made an attempt to reassure her. She stroked his hair and leaned in to kiss the top of his head, muttering against him.

"Get out of my boyfriend's head," she closed her eyes and he took hold of her wrists, planting two kisses on each one. That was something else he adored. He'd always known that the voice was just his own mind taunting him but it had always helped to view it as some separate entity. He found it was easier to fight and easier to control if he didn't look at it as part of himself. It made him feel a little more human. When he'd explained to her about it, Juliet had taken that thinking on board and all it did was make him fall even harder for her. "So, what were you two whispering about when I got here?" she finally addressed the subject he'd been putting off and distracting them both from Shawn's demon. He was glad she didn't linger on it anymore than she needed too. He didn't want her worrying about it like he did.

"I was actually getting a little advice..." he said, his hands going to her hips as he struggled to meet her gaze. Juliet raised an eyebrow, waiting for him to continue at his own pace. "I was thinking that maybe tonight, you could stay, if you wanted to," he trailed off awkwardly, not wanting to sound any more idiotic than he thought he had. Juliet struggled to hide the excited smile that threatened to spread over her face, opting to tease him a little bit first.

"Shawn Spencer are you asking me to stay _overnight_?" he looked alarmed at her sudden change of tone.

"I ah- I," he fumbled for a way to explain himself and she knew she was cruel for teasing him but he was so adorable when he fell over his words and stuttered every now and then. Besides, she already knew her answer would cheer him up some. "I just thought since we've been together for a few weeks that ah, you could maybe stay. I mean we don't have to do anything I just thought it would be a nice idea-" she cut him off by leaning into his personal space, her breath hot on his lips.

"That's where you're wrong, Shawn. If I'm staying overnight then you can bet we'll be doing something other than just sleeping." Butterflies exploded in her stomach at the thought of spending the night in Shawn's bed. In Shawn's arms. There was no way she was sleeping here just for the sake of sleeping. His eyes were wide with sudden relief when he realized that she wasn't shouting at him or angry at all. She'd been teasing him. His arms wrapped around her middle and he pulled her in for a strong hug that left her breathless. She buried her nose in his hair, assaulted by the smell of his shampoo and hair gel. She inhaled deeply, lips finding his temple.

"Don't freak me out like that," he mumbled with a soft laugh and she smiled in amusement.

"Sorry, you're too cute when you get all flustered like that. I couldn't help myself," she ruffled his hair before hopping off of his lap and taking her own seat much to his disappointment. He shifted as close as he possibly could to her, taking her hand in his and playing with her fingers absentmindedly. She watched him do it and they stayed silent for a while before something finally dawned on her. "Hold on, that can't be what you were asking Chloe about." Shawn looked up from her hand in alarm, his eyes a little wide. He desperately hoped she wouldn't laugh if he told her the truth. "So what was it about?" she asked with a smile, setting her chin on her upturned palm.

"It was more to do with what we have planned when you do stay over," he cleared his throat, not meeting her eye and going back to playing with her fingers. "I guess I was a little nervous about it." Well, that was an understatement. Now that Juliet was officially staying the night tonight he was back to being an almost nervous wreck. "I'm just not all that experienced and I wanted it to be good for you," he scratched the back of his neck roughly, feeling his cheeks burn. Fuck, this time almost a month ago he wouldn't have been caught dead blushing and stammering like an idiot yet here he was completely whipped by this woman in front of him. He couldn't bring himself to mind one bit though. Her hand reached out to cup his cheek and bring his face up to look at her.

"Shawn, it's not like I'm some expert either," she leaned in to nuzzle his cheek, peppering little kisses all over his face. Shawn enjoyed the attention thoroughly, tilting his face in every direction she wanted. Finally kissing the corner of his mouth, she smiled. "We'll do it like we do everything else. Together." He pulled her against him again, out of her chair and into his lap comfortably. "Besides," she continued, her voice very soft and breathy against his ear. "From what I've felt," she shifted against him. "You have nothing to be worried about."

"Okay, you can't say stuff like that when we're in a public place," he laughed into her neck, his stomach clenching and heat flooding his veins. "It could cause me some serious problems." She giggled before managing to compose herself. "The fact that you're sitting in my lap doesn't help either," he added, his arm around her lower back to help her move forward a little more.

"I'll try and control myself," she hummed, fingers playing with strands of his hair as her elbows rested lightly on his shoulders. Shawn could have held her like that all day. She fit against him so well, just the way her stomach curved against his or how her thighs were tight as she held on to him and kept a grip. Dancers legs, he supposed with a sudden jolt. Dancers could bend their bodies to their will and Shawn swallowed hard at just what that meant Juliet could do. He distracted himself by resting his big hands on her hips and leaning away a little. An easy smile washed over his face as she fell against his chest with a little thump.

"Don't try too hard," he answered finally, bumping his nose against hers and very much looking forward to discovering just how good they were together that night. She always knew just how to set his mind at ease over anything. He wondered if she knew just how much she was changing his life up to now? He hoped she did because it wasn't something that was easily done or unimportant. She was doing something no-one else had ever done for him. She was making him better. She was making him feel like Shawn Spencer again and less like he was just the demon in his head.

"Okay, well I'll have to go home and pack an over night bag then and think of some excuse to tell my dad. I don't think the old '_I'm going over to spend the night with my sexy boyfriend but I promise we'll just cuddle-not really-_' would wash with him, do you?" she rested her hands on his shoulders. He laughed at her joke, shaking his head. It probably wouldn't be the best way for him to win her fathers confidence. "Then when I get back, we need to go the pharmacy together." He raised an eyebrow at her.

"The pharmacy?" he wondered aloud and she tugged lightly on a lock of his hair, twirling it around her finger and smiling.

"Condoms," she relied matter-of-factly. As soon as she said it, he heard two wolf-whistles echo from the other end of the bar before being joined by loud applause and they both looked around to see Chloe and Gus leaning against the stage with matching grins, making kissy faces at the couple. Juliet's cheeks tinged red while Shawn grumbled low in his chest. Bloody eavesdroppers, the pair of them. Chloe couldn't resist just this once? Apparently not, he sighed when they began to chant.

"_~Shawnie's gonna get some loving! Oh, Shawnie's gonna get some loving!~_"

They repeated in singsong voices, dancing a little as well. Juliet was laughing, her head dropping against his shoulder as she hid herself a bit. Shawn's arms wrapped around her back as he desperately tried to hate his friends for joking about it. But his lips curved into an uncontrollable grin of both amusement and affection. They were just happy for them, he mused. They were treating him like he wasn't breakable anymore too. It was nice that they didn't have to walk on eggshells around him anymore. They continued their chanting and dancing until Shawn set Juliet down gently on a chair and took off after them, their laughter echoing through the hall as they dodged out of his grasp.

He heard laughter echo through the halls, bouncing off of the walls and surrounding them. It took him a minute to realize that it belonged to _him. _Making another attempt to grab Chloe, Shawn felt Juliet brush past him as she joined in their childish messing. They could be grown ups again later. Right now, things were too perfect for them to care.

* * *

**A/N: Juliet's really having a good effect on our boy isn't she? He's laughing and smiling more. Being happy. I might have to fix that *clears throat*. Anyhow, how are all my lovely readers? Having a good 2013 so far? Crazy Shules times coming up in Psych for the next three episodes but it's all leading up to that penultimate of episodes 'The Santabarbarian Candidate'. Look out for that one guys! I mean it!**

**Reviews are sexy like marshmallows. Puffy and fluffy and squishy and soft. Who doesn't love some sexy marshmallows?**


	8. Chapter 8

_When a man loves a woman_  
_Can't keep his mind on nothing else_  
_He'll trade the world_  
_For the good thing he's found_  
_If she's bad he can't see it_  
_She can do no wrong_  
_Turn his back on his best friend_  
_If he put her down_

_When a man loves a woman_  
_Spend his very last dime_  
_Tryin' to hold on to what he needs_  
_He'd give up all his comfort_  
_Sleep out in the rain_  
_If she said that's the way it ought to be_

_Well, this man loves a woman_  
_I gave you everything I had_  
_Tryin' to hold on to your precious love_  
_Baby, please don't treat me bad_

**Percy Sledge:- When a Man Loves a Woman**

* * *

"So, what excuse did you think up for your dad?"

Shawn and Juliet walked through the crowds, hand in hand and fingers laced together. She'd taken off an hour after first arriving at the bar and when everyone was suitably exhausted from messing around. He'd kept himself busy with Gus in the back and she'd come back to him around lunch time with an overnight bag slung over her shoulder and a sly smile on her face when Gus had wolf whistled at them. He'd let her drop it off in his living room before they'd walked down to the High Street together.

He was curious to know exactly what she'd said to convince her father to let her go and stay out for the night. He seriously doubted she'd told him that she was going to stay with her mentally unstable boyfriend for a night of hot sex followed by cuddling- then morning shower sex and pancakes. Yeah, he was thinking that far ahead. _'Mentally unstable? Is that what they're calling crazy fucks like you now?' _As they came to a road it goaded him. _'Step out now! In front of that bus. It could all be over. That's what you wanted isn't it? Don't let her change your big plan you pathetic mess. Do it, do it, do it!' _

He grimaced at the hiss that rattled in his brain, shaking his head a little bit to make it go away. He didn't need that right now. Instead, he squeezed Juliet's hand and she squeezed back, smiling. He fought past the urge to jump in front of speeding traffic and watched his girl instead.

How had he ever coped without her? All he could remember was a dark blur of life before she'd arrived with her sunshine and had changed everything. He remembered slicing himself to bits with whatever he could find. When Gus confiscated his razor blades one night, he'd smashed a bottle instead and had used the glass on his arms and the inside of his thighs. He remembered drinking himself into such a state that he couldn't move to even get to bed at night and just passed out where ever he happened to fall. He'd bled and cried and cursed the world but Juliet was his saving grace, his salvation. Had he been a religious man he would have thought he a gift from heaven but even then he thought she was so much more than that. She accepted him for what he was.

He was broken but she didn't care. His voice, his constant dark companion, making him parrot phrases of being unworthy of life and love; it couldn't compete with her and it knew it. So it became harsher of late, angrier than he'd ever heard it. Sometimes it scared him but then she would touch him and he would forget about it, ignoring the screaming hate in his head in favor of her kind words instead.

"I told him the truth," she answered firmly and his eyebrows rose in amusement. That conversation must have gone well. "Don't look at me like that," her shoulder nudged him playfully as she steered him in the direction of the pharmacy. "It's not like I explicitly told him what we'd be doing but I did tell him I was seeing someone and that I was staying the night with them. He wasn't very happy about it to be honest," she gave a sheepish smile and Shawn swallowed hard at the thought of an angry father beating down his door in the middle of the night and finding him butt naked with his only daughter.

That would be a shotgun situation if he'd ever heard of one and he sincerely hoped that her father didn't know where he lived just yet.

"Hold on, you told him all this and he still let you go? He's going to be waiting for me when we get back isn't he? With handcuffs and a gun," he groaned, wrapping an arm over her shoulder. She rolled her eyes at him, giggling.

"Well, we could always keep the handcuffs though. They might come in handy for what we have planned later tonight..."

"Please try and be serious Juliet," he scolded lightly and she hit his chest. He was having a hard enough- well, pun not intended. He was having a difficult enough time controlling himself around her without having the image of her handcuffed to his bed and completely vulnerable under his hands. Biting back a moan of delight at the thought, he went back to worrying about her father and the impression they were getting of each other.

They dodged a group of elderly women exiting the store before Juliet let go of his hand and linked her arm through his instead. She shrugged off his seriousness. "I didn't give him a choice really to be honest. I sort of told him that he could like it or not but it was still happening. He went into sulk mode after that. He can be such a girl at times." Shawn laughed and she rested her head on his shoulder. "My mom was pretty excited to hear I had a boyfriend though and told me I should invite you for dinner the first chance I got. She wanted to know all about you before I left," her face was a mask of fondness when she recalled how interested her mom had been in her love life.

Shawn was suddenly very curious to know what she'd told her parents about him over all. He knew she'd probably emitted some of the finer points of his personality but that didn't bother him. The less said about his drinking and his demons the better if he wanted to gain their trust and respect. If they thought that Juliet wasn't safe with him then they might put a stop to her dating him. He didn't want that at all. He knew she was safe with him. He would never hurt a hair on her head and he wouldn't let that damned voice ever goad him into doing so either. She was quickly becoming his lifeline and his anchor. He wasn't about to compromise that in any way and the thought of hurting her made him sick to his stomach.

But sadly, he doubted her parents would see it that way. Mental illnesses came with a heavy taboo that people just didn't seem to want to talk about. If someone found out that he heard voices they would then avoid him like the plague afterwards, always looking at him as though he was going to start talking to himself or go on a killing spree. It was a sad state of affairs when people who had say, cancer, a legitimate illness were treated with more respect and love than a person who had schizophrenia. Both were equally debilitating, terrifying illnesses but because one was of the mind and the other of the body, people saw them differently. He was shunned for having a demon on his shoulder that he needed help with. He hadn't asked for it to happen to him. He didn't want to be this way but he was.

He was an innocent in the path of a tsunami of suicidal and depressed thoughts, of voices biting in the night. Other people didn't see it that way. They saw him as sick in the head, someone to be ridiculed for not being able to 'pull it together' and for being 'weak'. All the same things that the voices whispered to him in the night. It was shocking how little people understood about what it meant to have a mental illness.

So he hid himself away and didn't ask for the help he sorely needed. But his Jules had helped him. She hadn't cared about his other half and she hadn't shied away from it either. She'd accepted it and him for who he was. She let him go off the rails sometimes, rubbing his back if the noises became too loud and he had to clasp his hands over his ears to drown them out. She sang to him softly while they lay on his couch, sweet songs about nothing at all and he would rest because she was there to fight off the monsters that prowled around him. She was defending him with her very life from things with teeth and claws that slashed and roared at him.

She was the fine line between sanity and insanity, between light and dark. She was making the light win.

He was out without a jacket on today because he was with her but perhaps he'd wear long sleeves if he went to dinner with parents. Maybe he'd take out his piercings too. Juliet may like them but they probably wouldn't. It wouldn't leave a good taste in their mouths if their daughter turned up with a heavily pierced, tattooed, scarred guy. They'd probably think she was going through a bad boy phase and he'd never be able to win her fathers favor then. '_Her parents will hate you like your own hate you. You'll never fit in anywhere. You don't belong in her life'._

"So, what did you tell them exactly... you know, about me?" he cleared his throat loudly, trying to appear like he didn't really mind what she'd said at all when he did. He was dying to know.

Her arm bumped his as she led him around the aisles and in the direction of the condoms. He hardly even noticed where they were and he was surprised to find that they were already in the store and halfway to their destination. "I told them your name was Shawn and that you were a very talented musician, especially on the drums," his face turned red but she just continued. "My mom thought that was awesome. She's always been one for drummers. I guess that's where I get it from," she laughed. "Let's see... Oh, I told them all about the bar and I sort of had to tell them how we met, even though I got in trouble with my dad for being there in the first place. I was hoping he wasn't going to find out about that night but oh well," she shrugged.

"Daddy wasn't happy about that huh?" he snorted and she nodded in agreement.

"He had this issue with me being somewhat underage. But hey, it's not like I left without something to show for it..." she kissed his cheek and he beamed at her. "Anyway, you definitely won some brownie points with my dad when I told him that you rescued a bunch of us from a sleaze ball. He couldn't say anything bad about your character when you were out and about rescuing women from idiots in the bar, could he? Sadly though, you sort of lost all those brownie points again when I told him that you're a little older than I am," she laughed and he could help but smile. "I told him it was only a few years and my mom made him promise not to bug me about it. I'm glad she was so easy about the whole thing. She says she likes the sound of you already, kept asking me if you were cute. I told her you were gorgeous," she nuzzled his neck and the red tinge from his cheeks reached the tops of his ears.

He cleared his throat. He couldn't worry about anything when he was around her because she always knew what to say to make it better. It was like she was made out of sunshine. "That's encouraging I suppose. At least your dad still let you come over."

"Don't you worry about my dad, Shawn. He'll come around to you because he'll see how happy you make me and you do make me happy. That's what's important or at least it should be to him. Not your past or how you dress or the fact that we're a few years apart. How you treat me is what he'll look out for and baby," she kissed his cheek soundly. "You treat me like a Queen," she purred. Well, how could he ever treat her any differently, he wanted to ask. It was the least she deserved for changing his life like this. So he trusted her when she said that her dad would come around to him.

They turned this way and that through the aisles until they were standing in front of an somewhat intimidating display of condoms and Shawn froze when she spread her arms out in front of her as though inviting him to pick a box and look at it. This was going to be one of situations that he wasn't going to be able to get out of easily. He was going to have to think quickly to give a reason why he couldn't pick up a box and right now his mind was drawing a blank. He was usually so good with excuses but her smile and her gaze were just wiping his mind clean of anything other than her.

_'You're fucked now, moron. You'll have to tell her. Go ahead, watch her laugh at you'._

"Wh- why don't you pick them baby?" he hated the fact that he stuttered over his words, his face flushing pink. She rolled her eyes affectionately, not understanding completely why he was being so shy about it. They were only condoms after all, no big deal. It just meant they were being safe.

She pulled her arm from his and ran a finger over the top of a few boxes, eyeing each of them critically. He desperately hoped that she wouldn't push the issue. He didn't want to see the disappointment in her eyes that he knew would be there if he had to tell her his worst secret. The worst of the worst. That fucking niggling thing that kept him up at night and shamed him at every turn in life. It got him laughed at by his peers and ridiculed in job interviews and while he knew she was okay with his demons and his cutting, he didn't know how someone as clever as her would take the news that her new boyfriend-

"Oh come on Spencer, don't be so embarrassed. Just read the back of a few and we'll see which ones we like," cutting off his train of thought, she plucked a red box from in front of her and tossed it to him. He caught it and turned the box in his hands, his stomach churning. "Tingly ones or, ooh, ribbed ones," she smirked naughtily and waggled her eyebrows at him. While he smiled weakly back at her, he felt nausea swirl in his gut as the letters on the back turned into squiggles and unreadable garbled messes. She noticed his face. He made a noise of frustration and when he looked back up, Juliet was frowning. His face was bright red by now and he tore his eyes away from her curious gaze. His whole body burned with embarrassment as he hung his head and swore softly, rubbing his eyes.

"Shawn, babe what's wrong?" she dipped her head, trying her best to catch his gaze.

"Look, I didn't want to tell you okay?" he groaned, not looking at her gorgeous face as bets her could. He ducked his head and ran his hands through his hair in frustration.

"Didn't want to tell me what? Come on Shawn, it's just me here," she assured him, her hand reaching out to stroke his cheek. He didn't want to tell her but he knew he couldn't just brush it off now. He was in too deep for that and he was well and truly screwed. No amount of smooth talking or kissing her and making her knees weak was going to help him now.

He heaved a massive, sad sigh and began. "Look, it's just something I've never dealt with because I was an idiot and I thought if I ignored it, it would go away. Much like every other issue I've ever had. The way I see it, it's just another damning mark on the clusterfuck that is my life. I didn't want you to be ashamed of me Jules, so I never told you. I sort of hoped you'd never find out but I suppose it was stupid of me to think I could hide it forever..." he played with the box nervously, feeling a lump rise in his throat and hating his childhood more than he ever had before in that exact moment in time. She reached out to him and made him look at her, her fingers under his chin and forcing his face up until his sad eyes met her curious ones.

"Explain Shawn. I promise I won't talk until you've explained everything okay?" she said and he closed his eyes, wishing he was anywhere but here. He wished they'd just picked a box at random and walked out of the store. He wished he was making love to her right now, on his bed while she moaned his name. That would be far more agreeable than this. He couldn't put it off forever though. He might as well get it over with.

"When I was a kid, my life was so fucked up at the time that I never got the chance to go to school much. Between my parents splitting and then my step-dad's new habit of beating the shit out of me, I suppose I never found the time or the patience for it," he ground out, getting past the part about his step-dad with almost zero urge to punch something. She nodded understandingly, her fingers still warm and comforting on his face. "I always had some sort of excuse for the teachers. Then when I did go to class, or I worked up the courage to even want to go, I was so far behind the other kids that I didn't see the point of going again. They picked on me and laughed at me and I wasn't strong enough to brush it off. I was just a kid and I didn't have a thick skin back then. I felt so fucking stupid Jules. I still feel stupid. Looking at you and how clever you are, how far you're going to go in life... What can you possibly think of me after this?"

"Shawn," she swallowed, her mouth dry all of a sudden. She'd figured it out.

"I mean what woman would ever want a man who can't even read or write?" his voice broke a little bit and he turned away from her despite her hands on him. He was severely ashamed of himself. Now she knew his dirty little secret that he'd never wanted her to find out about. He'd ruined it, ruined his chances. "Fuck it," he threw the box that had caused all the trouble onto a shelf nearby, knocking over several things before making to walk off and give himself a moment to collect his thoughts.

He needed to think about some things.

Juliet's small hand wrapping around his wrist made him stop dead and she tugged on him hard, bringing him back to her until he was facing her again. "Shawn Spencer, look at me right this instant," she demanded almost angrily and his eyes warily met hers. He had no idea how she was going to react. It was hardly an everyday conversation was it? "Do you really think something like that would bother me Shawn?" she asked, her voice softer than before because they were still in public and he was suddenly glad that there was no-one else in the aisle with them. At least they could have a little bit of privacy if even that. "My God Shawn... This is not your fault, do you hear me? This will never be your fault!"

_'Yes it is!'_

"Yes it is," he parroted the voice in his head without even thinking about it and her immediate reaction was to balk in shock before almost exploding at him in the middle of the store. Well, she raged at the voice more than she did at him anyway.

"Don't you _dare_ listen to that thing," she spat, only just managing to stop herself stamping her foot in frustration and just keeping her voice below an acceptable volume. She seemed so angry that he'd even listened to his voice. He'd never seen her as pissed off as she was. He gulped a little bit. "Don't you dare doubt yourself because of that bastard voice in your head. It doesn't control you Shawn and I won't let it even try," her forehead met his and her soft hands were cupping his rough cheeks, lips centimeters from his. He held her gaze steadily, not daring to look away for fear that she would kick his ass for doing so. "I know you've only told me bits about you as a kid, but baby, your childhood and whatever happened to you stopped you from getting the education you needed. It wasn't your fault and don't you ever think for a second that you're to blame. You are the smartest person I know Shawn."

He laughed incredulously but her grip on the back of his neck only tightened. He wasn't smart. Not even close. She was trying to make him feel better.

"Don't laugh," she pleaded softly and he stopped, guilt and tears burning him up inside. "Don't do that Shawn. You're letting it win baby and you're stronger than that, so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. Being smart doesn't have anything to do with how well you can read or write Shawn, not a damn thing about it. It has nothing to do with exams and school and all that other crap that we go through to meet some idiotic Government standard. It's to do with you as a human being and you are one amazing man. You think I don't watch you sometimes," she admitted and he stared into her eyes earnestly, needing to hear what she was going to say.

"I'll sit at the bar and watch doing the accounts with Chloe. She'll read out the figures and you'll just rhyme off what she needs to know at the drop of a hat. How amazing is that? How you can do complicated math in your head like that and you never even learned how to do it? Or how you can read people the second you see them and you can tell me everything about them the moment they leave? You don't think that's amazing? I sure do. You don't think that you're clever just because some idiot teacher all those years ago didn't see that you were in trouble? Didn't see that you were crying out for help?"

His eyes burned with tears because her words, those beautiful words that she was saying about him were hitting him with such force that he was almost knocked off of his feet. Her fingers played with the hair on the back of his neck and he wondered just how he could ever repay her for what she was doing for him. How did she understand him so well? How did she know this about him? How did she believe in him so much when he could hardly even believe in himself?

"You learned how to play the drums without reading the pages and so many other things that I can't even fathom doing. The problem, my gorgeous guy, is that you just don't see yourself the way I do. I see this phenomenal man who's struggled all his life with all the crap anyone could ever get thrown in their way and came out on the other side. Sure, you got a little beaten up along the way but what do you expect when you had no-one there to help you? Here you are, baby. I wish you could Shawn, I truly do. I wish you could see just how amazing you are. You're so strong and you've survived all this shit. You have battle scars, yeah," she ran her fingers over his arms. "But you know what? That doesn't matter because I think they're beautiful too."

His arms wrapped around her waist and he buried his head into her shoulder, his body shaking with suppressed sobs. "You're brave and kind and you value the people you love over anything else in the world. Those are things that matter baby," her arms wound around his neck as they rocked back and forward gently in the middle of the shop. She rocked him until his shaking had subsided and he muttered against her neck.

"How the _fuck _did I ever survive without you Juliet? I wish someone would tell me because I don't have a clue. If people in the world were a little more like you and a little less like assholes I probably never would have had these problems in the first place," he nuzzled her, before planting a kiss on her forehead; eyes closed tightly as the voice tried it's best to scream at him. All he could hear though was useless muffled nothings. He didn't think the voice would ever be able to scream so loud again. She'd muzzled it well and truly and she had it on a tight leash.

"Think nothing of it," she ruffled his hair a bit, tweaking the ring in his eyebrow as she trailed her hand over his cheek. "You're my boyfriend and it's your job to keep me safe. So it only makes sense that it's my job to keep you safe too. From anything that might come along..." her thumb brushed over his forehead and he smiled then, feeling as though weight had been lifted from his shoulders. "Okay, serious moment over," she laughed and he joined her, feeling all the tension evaporate from them and leaving them feeling light as air.

He had no more secrets from her now. He liked it that way. Maybe she would be the push he needed to get help with it. "Look, I'm going to go outside for a second, get a bit of fresh air okay? You pick whatever you want. Flavored, colored, ribbed, tingly- I'll leave it up to you baby," he kissed her lips and she watched him walk away, rubbing his hands over his hair and grinning like an idiot. She smiled after him and didn't turn back to the task at hand until he was outside. She could see him through the window, breathing in the fresh air and composing himself a bit. Her stomach exploded into butterflies as she fingered the red box he'd thrown down. She couldn't wait for tonight to come at all. She was thrilled at the prospect of being with him.

She was nervous sure, but so was he and they could figure everything out together like they had been doing. She'd seen just how scared he was when he had to tell her about his deepest darkest secret. Juliet knew that it must have been hard for him as a kid. All she really knew about his childhood, since he didn't explain in great detail, was that he's been physically abused by his step-father all through his teenage years. He'd suffered everything from broken collar bones to hairline fractures and cigarette burns. Her blood boiled at the thought of anyone hurting him. He was so lovely, so kind to the people he cared about. He was Shawn.

He stood up for people weaker than himself. He stood up for her and even though he could pick her up with one arm if he wanted to, he wasn't intimidating to her. To other people maybe, but not when she knew about the guy inside who enjoyed cuddling on the couch with and who would get choked up over old movies with her. He could move aside a small crowd in the bar with one arm but he would do it so she could walk though them freely. He was much stronger than he looked and he looked strong.

The only one she'd seen built more powerfully in the bar was Big Frank and that's mainly because the guy was built like a tank. Yet Shawn never started a fight with someone he could easily beat or who didn't deserve it. Maybe he thought he was making up for his life by helping out people who were being bullied at the bar. Like how he stood up for Gus when he was being picked on for his books. Or how he stood up for a group of drunken girls being corralled by some slimy idiot for sex. Shawn Spencer was one of a kind and two sides of the same coin. He was hard but soft, gentle but fierce and she'd never met anyone like him before. Maybe that's why she'd fallen so hard for him-

"Fun night ahead?"

She jumped when a ginger haired man spoke from behind her. She hadn't even heard anyone else approaching she'd been so lost in her thoughts about Shawn. Turning with an embarrassed blush on her face, she didn't really know what to say considering a total stranger was pointing out the fact that she was buying condoms. It would have been funny if it hadn't been so intrusive. She frowned. "I guess so," she muttered, trying to go back to ignoring him. He didn't seemed phased.

"Yeah, better safe than sorry right? So, are you heading out to any place I might know? Who knows, we might run into each other there," he smirked and Juliet's expression darkened. Really? Who the hell chatted up a woman in the condom section of a store. She noted that he was moderately good looking, probably oozed charm with the ladies on his good days. Today was not his lucky chance however.

"I doubt it," she retorted and turned away, trying to go back to making a decision. She was marked up between ribbed and tingly. Seriously marked up. Maybe she should get ribbed and get tingly lube to go with it. Well, that had made up her mind. She turned to the left where the lubricants were shelved and she held back a smirk at the thought of using it on Shawn. They were going to have some fun tonight. But yet again she was interrupted from her thoughts of her planned night by the pest behind her.

"Oh come on, don't be like that," he laughed, clearly trying his best to recover from her knock back and flirt a little bit more. She really wasn't interested. "I was just curious. I think you have good taste," he motioned to the products in her hand and she fought back the urge to throw them at him. Where was her big burly boyfriend when she needed him? This guy was getting on her nerves. What was it with men in this city that 'no' didn't seem to really sink into their neanderthal like brains. Was it too many letters or something? Did she need to boil it down to just one finger instead?

"Listen, I have a boyfriend okay, and he's standing right be-"

She was cut off by him scoffing a little. "Yeah yeah, well done. Pulling the whole 'I have a boyfriend thing' on me. Not really an original excuse is it? I was just trying to be nice okay? Maybe offer you a little fun tonight seeing as you're up for it." Yet again he motioned to her purchases. Her grip tightened on them angrily. "Guaranteed satisfaction yeah, instead of you trying out some loser in some crumby night club. But hey, if you want to use the old I have a boyfriend excuse, that's fine by me. Just one question though, where is he? He mustn't be all that great if you have to buy your own crap- oof!" Juliet smirked when the ginger haired idiot backed right into the hard chest of said boyfriend, who stood there menacingly with his arms crossed. She had tried to warn him. Oh well.

He hadn't even wavered when the smaller guy had bumped into him, completely unmoving and totally unamused.

To another guy, the sight of Shawn and his muscular arms, heavily tattooed with piercings on his face, was more than a little intimidating. "Sorry pal! Sorry, didn't see you there," he apologized, not realizing that he was the boyfriend of the girl he'd just been bothering. Shawn glowered and growled softly, low in his chest and very menacing. "Come on now, no harm done!" he held up his hands nervously now.

"Why exactly were you bothering my girlfriend?" Shawn asked darkly, leaning forward and the other man's face went a little pale. He turned to Juliet, who was smirking in sheer, unbridled amusement because this was the funniest thing she'd seen in ages. She knew Shawn wouldn't do anything to him because he hadn't actually touched her, but the ginger guy didn't know that. This fact only made it all the funnier and she snorted. Shawn smirked in her direction.

"Look man, I didn't know she had a boyfriend-"

"She _told_ you she did and you didn't believe her. You kept bothering her. What, is your ego so big that you can't take no for an answer? Do all women normally fall at your feet when you pull out some dumb ass line or do you usually just guilt them into doing it anyway?"

Through all his questions, Shawn advanced upon the smaller man with an easy sort of intimidation until the ginger fellow was backed right against the shelves and looking like he seriously feared for his life. "I don't like men like you, who think it's their God given right for a woman to say yes and then when she doesn't, you call her every name under the sun for doing so. I think you should rethink just how you treat a lady in the future and learn that 'No' means 'No'. The next boyfriend you run into might not be as nice as me. See, one day a woman is going to set her guard dog on you and it's not going to end well. Just be thankful that my girl doesn't like me to bite in public places or your day would have ended with a hospital trip."

With that, Shawn turned away and draped an arm over Juliet's shoulders, steering her towards the counter. It wasn't until they were out of earshot that she leaned in to whisper to him. "You may not bite in public Shawn Spencer, but this girl is making damn sure you bite in private..."

He was giddy the entire way to the checkout.

* * *

**A/N: Whee, a new chapter! I think I'm in love with this version of Shawn. Big and tough on the outside, but a cuddly teddy bear with Juliet. That makes me happy. The Psych episode last week, did not however. I knew it was coming, but MAMA did it hurt. Like pulling off a sticking plaster too slowly. Oh, when she threw that drink in his face I thought I was going to die. Roll on 'The Santabarbarian Candidate'. Everything will be better then. I'll be able to breathe again.**

**Working on a oneshot for NAPOS to do with the break up and subsequent smutty make up of our favourite couple. Hopefully I'll get to posting it in a few days time.**

**Reviews are like waiting for your OTP to get back together. Full of feelings and they usually result in me eating whole tubs of Ben and Jerry's Cookie Dough Ice Cream in one sitting. I'm a pig but my heart was hurting so I don't care.**


	9. Chapter 9

_I'm falling even more in love with you_  
_Letting go of all I've held on to_  
_I'm standing here until you make me move_  
_I'm hanging by a moment here with you_  
_I'm living for the only thing I know_  
_I'm running and not quite sure where to go_  
_And I don't know what I'm diving into_  
_Just hanging by a moment here with you_

_There's nothing else to lose, there's nothing else to find_  
_There's nothing in the world that can change my mind_  
_There is nothing else_  
_There is nothing else_  
_There is nothing else_

**Hanging By A Moment:- Lifehouse**

* * *

They walked back to the club slowly, taking their time to relish the warm afternoon sunshine. Shawn felt it caress his bare arms delicately and he smiled, raising his face to the sky for a moment to take in the warmth. He heard Juliet laugh to herself next to him, their fingers entwined as their joined hands swung between them. The rush of the lunch hour had died down by now and the streets were clear enough on the way back. They didn't have to push and shove much to his relief. Juliet was quiet as well, enjoying the beginning of the good weather in companionable silence. He was glad that they weren't saying much. It gave him time to think about what had just happened and what was about to come that afternoon. He could hardly believe that he'd just admitted his deepest secret to her- in the middle of a high street store no less.

He inwardly cringed at the thought.

He probably should have picked a better time to have part of a breakdown and blurt out the fact that his childhood had been so fucked up that he hadn't even learned how to read or write properly. He could write and read his name because it was familiar enough. Like street signs he knew off by heart. He'd bluffed through most of his teenage life with a bit more luck on his side that he thought possible in some situations. He often wondered how people didn't just guess it right away but by the time he'd run away from home, he was an expert at hiding it from the world. He'd smooth talked his way out of filling in forms for his home and his job because Chloe hadn't cared much for paperwork in the first place and she hadn't needed much persuasion to just leave it all until a later date.

When she'd eventually found out about his lack of literary skills, she'd filled them out for him instead and had said no more on the matter. He'd been eternally grateful.

Lifting Juliet's hand to his lips, he brushed a kiss over the back of it and shot her a warm smile. She returned it and they continued on their way, just catching the green light as they reached the road; sprinting across it and laughing as car horns blared with indigence on either side of them. When the pair reached the other side they linked arms and he led her back in the direction of the bar. Back to that place that he'd never once thought he'd feel at home in. Hindsight was a wonderful thing.

When he'd first arrived, he'd spent his first night desperately missing his mother. Sure, it sounded childish but in reality he had been a child. Only eighteen and never away from home for more than a few days. Then there he was, all alone in the big bad world without anyone to tell him it would all be okay.

He'd missed her kind voice wishing him goodnight as she passed by his bedroom or her gentle humming as she pottered around the living room and cleared up his mess after him. All he could hear that night in the darkness was shouting from the bar below, the howling of stray dogs outside his window and very questionable screaming coming from down the hall- he couldn't quite tell if his neighbors were just having really loud sex or if something more sinister was going on but those neighbors hadn't stayed there for long anyway. He'd pressed the pillow so hard over his head that night that he'd thought he was deaf the next morning when his ears half popped. It hadn't felt like a place he wanted to be in.

He'd still wanted his mom, as childish as that sounded. He'd wanted his mom to come and tell him that everything was okay and that she loved him. Tell him that he could come home and sleep in his own bed, with his own pillow and his own posters on the walls. She hadn't come of course and he'd awoken the next day to weak sunshine and more shouting, from God knows where that time.

He'd never expected to enjoy loving there but these last few weeks with Juliet had really changed his outlook.

They would spend whole days just being lazy with each other in that apartment, draped over each other on the couch when she didn't have class or work to do at home. Sometimes they would sleep and he would snore in his doze and she would giggle, filming him so she could prove it to him when he woke up later because he never believed her.

There was a big pink stain on the carpet now where they'd knocked over a whole bottle of red wine one night and a mark on the new coffee table when her black boots had scuffed it. She had books strewn across the place for the days when they felt like curling up and he wanted her to read to him. He still hadn't tired of the stories and he found himself making his own up in his head to keep himself occupied when she was away. They'd finished Game of Thrones in the first week and they were now onto the next book in the series. Juliet had often wondered why he didn't read ahead when she wasn't there.

Well, he swallowed. She knew why now.

Distracting himself from those thoughts, he sunk back into better ones as they walked. She'd gone shopping one day and brought him proper food so that they could cook together; even though most nights they made an utter bollocks of it. But it didn't mean he didn't look forward to fucking up the food so they could act like big children learning to cook for the first time. They would get tomato sauce and flour and eggs everywhere- even on the ceiling and more than often enough, Juliet had to take a shower before she went home again so she could pretend to be presentable at least.

Many a night he would lie on the couch with the TV sound low, listening to the sound of the water running next door and wondering just how far his self-restraint could be pushed before he just went for it and barged in. Although he didn't think that would amuse her any. More often than not, he would kiss her fiercely when she left, leaving her a little dazed and then go to take care of himself in the very bathroom that was still humid with steam and smelling of her shampoo, gripping the side of the tub and groaning out her name into the sticky air. He was sure she did it on purpose sometimes because she would leave him little mementos in the bathroom to be found when she left.

The little tease that she was.

This promptly brought his thoughts back to the night ahead and that innocent looking plastic bag that was swinging back and forth in her other hand. After showing him her choices, he'd told her to grab a box of plain condoms as well for that first time. While special stuff was all well and good, he just wanted to focus on the feeling of being inside her that first moment. He didn't want any distractions other than her breath on his neck and hopefully, her moans of pleasure as well. They could get to the ribbed condoms and tingly lube later, when they were used to each other a bit more. She'd mulled it over before smirking, kissing his cheek and agreeing with him. He had to give it to her, she hadn't once made him feel awkward about it. Sure she was frank and fir about buying protection but that was a good thing. She wasn't embarrassed and it made him bolder as well.

Which brought him here, wondering just how he was going to make everything perfect for her. Maybe they could take a shower together first... He grinned inwardly to himself but Juliet noticed his lips twitch on the outside and she raised an eyebrow.

"What's so amusing, Mister Spencer?" she asked, nudging him as they walked along the quiet street. Even the cars seemed muffled somehow, like they were in their own personal bubble of affection. He shrugged happily, feeling a sort of dizzy high descend. He felt hyperactive, like he wanted to pick her up and spin her around until they were both dizzy and had to sit down. He wanted to tell her how much he adored her, how much he was looking forward to making love to her tonight. That last one was definitely true- the anticipation was killing him here.

"Nothing at all sweetheart. I'm just... I think I'm happy. Actually happy for once," he beamed a wide, handsome smile at her and her eyes lit up.

That only improved his mood even more. He loved to see those blue eyes sparkle like that and if it was because of him then that was only a bonus. He pulled her in for a kiss in the middle of street, stopping them dead since there was no-one around but the passing cars on the road. Arm around her waist and breath hot on her lips, he made sure to kiss her until they were both utterly breathless and laughing childishly when car horns honked at them encouragingly from behind them. No matter what happened, he was going to make this a night to remember for her.

Nothing was going to spoil it.

* * *

They were only two short streets away from the bar when Shawn noticed something was amiss.

The ambulance sped past, the ground rumbling, sirens blaring and tires screeching. His happy feeling instantly deflated. Normally, he wouldn't have thought much of it at all really. Wouldn't even have given it a second thought. They saw ambulances rush past like that all the time in the city, be it for a random stabbing during a robbery or a heart attack in a fast food restaurant (the last one happened more than you might think). But there was just something about that particular one that made him feel uneasy, like a lead balloon had settled in his stomach. Juliet frowned when he paused in the middle of the sidewalk, staring after it as it turned the next corner.

That was the very same turn they would have to make to get back to the bar...

His feeling of unease grew tenfold. "Shawn? Is something wrong?" Juliet cocked her head to the side, her hand still tangled with his as she watched him. He couldn't even say because he didn't actually know. It was just... a feeling. A horrible, terrifying stupid feeling. "Hey, hey look at me," she tugged on his hand until he did, seeing just how concerned she was for him, her eyes shining with sincerity. "Are you okay sweetie?" He shook his head, his eyes flickering back to the road.

"No. No, somethings wrong..." he decided. "There are no houses between here and the bar so where the hell was that ambulance going exactly?" he swallowed hard, hoping that his question had a more sensible answer than the one he was currently thinking in his head. He did have a tendency to overreact sometimes didn't he? Maybe this was one of those times. He was just being an idiot. Someone had probably been hit by a car in the street or something. Or- or maybe someone had broken their leg on the cellar steps like he'd always warned them about. Maybe Big Frank had given someone a concussion and they needed quick medical care-

He didn't actually realize how hard he was shaking until Juliet gripped his upper arms and pulled him close to calm him down.

"Hey, hey! It's okay baby. Calm down," she pressed a kiss to his forehead and stroked his hair softly. "If anything had happened at the bar then Gus would have called you, right? Or he could have even called me. He has my cellphone number and he has yours. Everything's fine. They would have called," she reassured him, her palm on his cheek as he tried to slow his breathing to a steadier rate. Juliet was calm and he thanked God that she could remain rational when he went a little crazy. He took deep breaths because he didn't particularly want to hyperventilate right there on the street with no way to stop.

He was panicking for nothing, he told himself. Everyone was okay. He was just being irrational and having another one of his stupid episodes. He tried desperately to hang onto Juliet's voice, onto her sensible words that would force the irrational side of him away but for some reason everything he was thinking made perfect sense. No houses between here and there, no people, too early in the day for customers...

_'Your friends are probably dead.'_

_'No! No don't think about things like that_,' another voice warned him loudly. Think about something good, something happy. '_Juliet, think about Jules! She's perfectly fine, right here with you. She's not going anywhere. Listen to the sound of her voice and get back down to earth.' _He nodded to himself in agreement, listening to Juliet calm him down and stroke his hair. He'd be so fucking lost without her but right now, he knew that calming himself down was going to be the least of his troubles. Something definitely wasn't right and no amount of rational thinking was going to fix that.

He shuddered lightly as Juliet pulled him in the direction of the bar. Perhaps if he could see for himself that everyone was okay then he wouldn't be as panicky. She could see the breakdown just waiting to happen behind his eyes and she needed to find a way to stave it off until they saw that everyone was okay. She knew that he was right about the houses. The only thing that these streets led to were the bar and back alleyways with nothing but trashcans in them. They started moving again at practically a run because now even she wasn't so sure about where the ambulance had been heading to. Shawn held her hand as they tore around the next corner, almost falling over as they stumbled.

His heart plummeted because he could see the flashing lights from a street away and he could still hear the sirens blaring from where they were. His chest began to tighten and he was running so fast now that Juliet was struggling to keep up in her high heels. She put on a burst of speed though so she could keep a hold of his hand. He needed someone to keep him anchored so he didn't completely freak out. They were at the entrance of the car park when he remembered with a feeling of mounting horror that their cellphones were still on his coffee table. They'd been laughing too much on their way out of the apartment to remember to pick them up.

When she came to a stop next to him, it seemed Juliet had remembered that little fact as well and she swore softly. His jaw slackened and his heart seemed to stop completely when he took in the sight in front of him. Police cars were everywhere and the entire car park was crawling with cops. The flashing blue light of the ambulance was front and center, blocking the front doors from their view. Shawn barely noticed the Officer approaching them, his hands held up as though to ask them to back away from the scene. He was so terrified that he could hardly get the words out to say that he lived here. Thankfully, Juliet explained for him.

"No, my boyfriend lives above the bar. His friends are in there," she stressed, pointing to the mess of black and white cars and the disturbingly final looking yellow tape that read 'Crime Scene' that was fluttering in the once gentle afternoon breeze. Not twenty minutes ago, everything had been good. Great even. He'd been heading home for an evening of making love to his gorgeous girlfriend and the world had been right for once in his life.

He whimpered in fear. What had happened? What if he'd lost someone? He needed them all. They were his safety net, his guides and his friends. They were the people who loved him, that kept him alive when he was at his very lowest. They were his life and all he'd had before Juliet came along. They watched him and supported him, been happy for him when he'd finally found someone to fall in love with.

Those people in there were his family and if one of them was hurt...

If something had happened to any one of them he didn't know if he'd be able to cope with it. What if it was Gus? His best friend in the whole world, nerdy little Gus? With his comic books and his stupid jokes and those long nights where he would stay up and they would talk about the stupidest crap until the sun came up. Or Big Frank? Who would play cards with him and teach him the rules of new games, who was always so patient for a guy so big. Or Chloe? The nagging, whiny bitch who made sure he didn't top himself by any means necessary? Who loved him and showed it through just being herself and giving him a place to live when he needed it?

It suddenly dawned on him that those wonderful people in there, those idiots who had kept him afloat when he was trying so desperately to drown, were actually important to him. He took them for granted and he'd never once said thank you for all that they'd done. He couldn't keep letting this voice control him and take away what meant so much. They were the one he should have been listening to all along. They were the kind voices that had been getting through every now and then. Sometimes in the night, he'd hear those little voices in the back of his head, shouting their encouragement, their love.

Telling him to get up again and to fight, fight for himself! Agreeing with him when he thought that Juliet was beautiful and giving him those little pushes he needed during the day. His friends had been inside his head all along, all the way. They were in there, fighting that monster that raged inside him and they were _winning. _All it had taken was a spark to give them more power, to make them heard. That spark of life and the will to live that Juliet had given him had given them the strength they needed to keep the demons at bay. He'd been so blind. He needed to tell them, to thank them and now he wondered if he might ever get the chance.

Around him he could hear the mutters of the policemen and a few bartenders, whispers of gunshots and blood. Those only made him move forwards faster with Juliet by his side. He pushed through people with 'Excuse Me's and the occasional 'Move!' until he was where he wanted to be. "What the hell happened here?" Juliet muttered, her hand going to her mouth. It was organised chaos.

He squinted through the crowd that was milling around the ambulance trying to see if he could find someone, _anyone _he recognized. He almost fell over himself when he spotted Gus sitting on the steps to the front doors. He almost grinned in relief but the happy bubble that came with seeing that his best friend was okay deflated just as quickly as it had come when he saw that Gus was splattered with blood and looking as though he was going into shock at this stage. Shawn pulled Juliet through as they ran towards him, sliding to a panicked stop next to him. Shawn was on his knees in front of Gus, grabbing him in a bone crushing hug that he didn't think he could ever let him go from.

"I was so fucking worried about you!" he stressed, exasperation dripping from his voice and relief following it as he ignored the blood for now and focused on the fact that Gus was okay. Well, physically okay. He still looked as though he'd seen a ghost and the mood between them all shifted into something far more serious as Gus struggled to talk.

"Gus, tell us what happened," Juliet patted his shoulder soothingly while Shawn gripped the other shoulder to let his friend know that he was there for him this time. He was going to be the support for once and he wasn't going to let him down. He would be as strong as Gus needed him to be. He made that promise to himself. When he tried to get his words out, he stuttered over them and it would have been comical had the situation not been so serious.

"Come on man, I'm here for you. Tell us what happened," Shawn urged. He still hadn't seen Frank or Chloe but he'd been so relieved at the sight of Gus that he hadn't thought. Gus nodded, his eyes tearing up and his voice sounding groggy. Shawn was petrified and he shared a glance with Juliet. She squeezed his hand. Something big had gone down and it had left Gus so frightened that he could hardly talk. This story wasn't going to end happily. Shawn steeled himself for whatever Gus was about to say.

"Chloe got shot."

All that steel, all that resolve and those promises he'd made to himself to be strong as he knelt there went out of the proverbial window as Shawn slumped backwards onto his ass with a thump. All he could do was sit, open mouthed, gaping as though he didn't quite understand. It felt as though someone had tossed a bucket of ice water over the top of him because every fear he'd had since he'd watched that ambulance speed away was being realized at that one moment. He couldn't breathe, couldn't see anything but Gus as he moved in almost slow motion. Juliet had let out an audible gasp when Gus had spoken but to Shawn, everything was muffled and blurred and he could hardly stop himself from barking out, "Gus man, be serious. This isn't the time for fucking jokes like that!"

Gus's bottom lip trembled softly when Shawn denied it. He denied it because it couldn't possibly be true. Chloe couldn't have been shot. He'd seen her that morning. They'd talked about sex and she'd made fun of him because he'd interrupted her morning paper. She was made of titanium. She was indestructible. She was _bulletproof_...

But the way Gus was nodding, his head falling into his hands made Shawn believe that it was true. Gus would never lie about something so serious, so terrible. "I- I don't know what happened," he sobbed pathetically into his hands. "One minute she was arguing with someone outside and the next all I heard was the gunshot. I ran out and she was just lying there on the ground and she looked so surprised. The was blood everywhere-" Gus dry heaved before he could stop himself because the urge to vomit had been threatening for the last half hour and it was building again. Juliet looked around and grabbed a nearby bucket, passing it to him before he vomited over them instead. When he'd righted himself, he continued, still shaking. "Big Frank and I stemmed the bleeding until the ambulance came and then... I don't know. They took her into the back and they won't let me in. Why won't they let me in?" he sniffled and Shawn pulled him into a one armed hug, glancing at Juliet at the same time.

As sick to his stomach and as much as Shawn wanted to bawl himself, Gus needed him to be strong just this once and damn it, he was going to be. No more emotionally stunted wreck who needed other people to take care of him. He could cry tonight, breakdown when he was alone with Juliet and sob in her arms. Right now, he was all Gus had seeing as their only other lifeline was currently fighting for her life in the back of an ambulance. That is, if she hadn't already lost that fight...

Shawn pushed the thought aside and swallowed the tears that threatened to come. "Jules, can you go and find out what's happening please?" he choked out and she nodded, kissing his temple and giving Gus's arm a firm squeeze that said '_I'll be right back_' to them. She rushed off and Shawn was left alone to deal with something that usually happened the other way around. A complete and utter breakdown. Gus was shaking and crying and looking as though his world was about to end and Shawn knew he needed to calm him down before he went into complete meltdown. "Gus, Gus listen to me!" he shook him by the shoulders until their eyes met.

"I need you to breathe okay? What is it you always tell me? In through the nose..." Shawn prompted and Gus nodded.

"Out through the mouth," Gus responded and Shawn was relieved when he started to actually follow his own technique. By the time he had him focused on his breathing and steadied again, Juliet was back with the news from the back of the ambulance. He didn't even know if he was going to be able to cope with hearing it but he needed to know if she was alive of not. He couldn't stand not knowing. It was killing him. If he ever came face to face with the son of a bitch who shot her, he was going to kill him. Even if Chloe survived, he was still going to hunt the bastard down and deliver whatever justice he deemed fit.

"She's alive." The first words out of her mouth were like music to his ears and Shawn breathed a heady sigh of relief and muttered his thanks to whomever was watching over them right now. The next sentence made him come back down to earth though. "The bullet went right through but she went into shock just before the ambulance arrived. They said they're doing everything they can but she's lost a lot of blood and that's all they would tell me. They said they're taking her to the City Hospital now if we want to follow them. My car is just across the street. Come on," she urged them and Shawn didn't need to be told twice. He practically picked Gus up and plonked him onto his feet before pulling him in the direction of Juliet's car. They had one good thing to focus on at least. She was alive and that was good. Yes, that would get them to the waiting room at least.

Juliet floored it when they were driving through the traffic, following the ambulance closely so that they didn't lose them. Shawn was sure that she'd broken at least five traffic laws in one journey and usually she'd have been horrified by how sloppily she was driving but right now, she didn't care. By the time they were parked in the visitors section, Shawn could see her adrenaline wearing off and the fear staring to take over. This was another new challenge for him to face. Juliet had always been the one reassuring him but this time it looked as though she was going to need to lean on his shoulder for once. He wrapped his arm around her and gave her a quick hug, smiling and kissing her forehead as they burst through the doors of the waiting room and informed the bored woman behind the desk that they needed information about their friend.

While Chloe had pretended to remain indifferent to his relationship with Juliet, Shawn had stumbled upon them bonding the week before over shots at the bar as Chloe had taught his girlfriend how to pull a pint and how to make different cocktails. So no matter how much she said she didn't care, he knew that she liked Juliet and Juliet liked her. They were friends as well and he made sure to keep that in mind as they were marched through long hallways that smelled of disinfectant towards the most dreaded room in a hospital.

The family room. Where worried loved ones stayed while the person they cared about underwent serious operations or living saving procedures. The place where you didn't know if you were going to hear good or bad news and where time moved so slowly you felt like you'd been there for days instead of hours. By the time they'd sat Gus on an uncomfortable plastic blue seat, Shawn could feel the tiredness enter his bones. He just needed to know if everything was going to be okay and he had no-one around to give him that information.

Sadly, no-one but the Doctor could tell him the things he needed to know and so he remained on edge as the clock ticked around again and again until minutes blurred into hours with still no news. Nurses came by every once in a while the fill them in on what was going on or to offer them coffee or food but it didn't help because none of them carried any actual news about their friend. Juliet was pacing up and down, wearing a hole in the mottled lino of the floor and Gus was just watching the clock tick onward over and over again.

When he slipped out into the hallway for some air it was half an hour before finally Juliet followed him, finding him leaning against a pale yellow wall and staring up at the ceiling blankly, lost in his thoughts.

"Hey," she gave him a soft smile, which he returned and she cupped his cheek when she was close enough. He leaned into her touch like a cat, desperately needing to feel her skin against his to make him feel better. It did, just as always. He was so glad she was here with him. As well as he was doing, he was crediting it to her presence and he might not cope on his own. She'd called her parents and had talked her father out of coming to the hospital only a half hour before hand so they were each the only support that the other had right now.

"Hey, gorgeous," he replied. "What are you doing out here? Isn't it warmer in the waiting room?" He kept his voice low, even though the beep of machines all around him was enough to wake the dead.

"I missed you and you were gone for a while. I was staring to think you'd gone AWOL so I came to find you. I kind of needed a hug," she admitted, snuggling into his embrace for a moment. He hugged her hard and she returned it, humming her approval before pulling away.

"Better?" he asked.

"Better," she agreed with a nod and a brave smile. "Gus dozed off, finally. I thought he was going to keep going until he dropped but the nurse came by and offered him half a Valium to make him relax after what he'd been through. He's sleeping on one of the chairs, dead to the world," she assured him and his head fell backwards again as he heaved a sigh. "No more word from the Police?" she asked. He shook his head, his expression getting a little darker. They'd told him they were out looking for the shooter and Big Frank had promised to call the hospital again if he heard anymore. That had been over an hour ago with still no word. He yawned suddenly, leaning into Juliet as she curved her body against his in a tight hug.

"So much for our plans tonight, huh?" he breezed, trying to find a little bit of light in the situation. She gave a weak laugh, nodding against his chest.

"Chloe's going to kill us when she wakes up and finds out we skipped a night of sex for this," Juliet tried to joke but the words hung heavily in the air because at that point, they had no real clue if she was going to wake up at all. That was terrifying. She sighed, nuzzling him as he hugged her. "Hey," she caught his attention and he hummed in response. "You did great back there you know. For Gus," he looked away, clearing his throat out of embarrassment at her praise. "Look at me Shawn," she demanded and he complied. "You were amazing and you were there for him. You kept your head even though I know you were terrified too and I think you were very brave," her lips found his and he relaxed.

He let himself get lost in her for a few moments. A few moments of peace and serenity before they had to go back and face the consequences of what had happened. Her tongue found his and he moaned softly, their kiss fast paced and wanting. It took all of their willpower to part again and she gave him a warm grin, arms around his shoulders.

"Thanks Jules. What would I do without you?" he kissed the top of her head, the smell of her shampoo familiar and heady. He breathed her in, almost crushing her in a hug as her feet left the floor. By the time he plonked her down again, she was trying not to laugh because the moment was lighter than it had been for hours and she felt like they needed to relax a bit.

He knew she was trying to keep the situation from weighing them down and it was working. He felt a little better because even no news was good news in his book. They could wait all night if they had to but he knew deep down that Chloe wasn't one for just rolling over and playing dead. Some little bullet wasn't going to stop her. Hell, knowing her she'd be back at work in a few days- throwing out punters and yelling at him for not cleaning the bins or taking out the trash (he'd been a little lackluster with chores since Juliet had arrived on the scene). All those times she'd told him to pick himself up and get out there to face the world. All those days she'd spent talking him out of doing something he'd regret or buying him new furniture when he trashed the old stuff.

He made a promise to himself that it wasn't going to be in vain. He was going to make something of his life and prove to his friends that all those hours of work they'd put into him weren't going to waste. He was going to make himself into the sort of man that Juliet would be proud to call hers. He was going to marry her one day and he was going to be damned if that idiot on the operating table up there was going to miss his wedding because of a little gunshot wound. Glancing down at the top of his girlfriends head, he let himself smile a little.

If Chloe came through this, then things were going to change.

He would make sure of it.

* * *

**A/N: If this ever updates then you all have my apologies for it taking FOREVER. There was a period there where the story disappeared from my radar altogether and I couldn't even find it with the search button at the top of the screen. Apparently it was something to do with my new computer and it's settings (I have no clue) but after a few tweaks it's fixed. What the hell right? NAPOS was also giving me trouble but I think it's all good now so here, have an emotional update that was supposed to be sex but wasn't!**

**This chapter is chock full or character development for Shawn because he's finally realizing that he needs to be there for other people like they were for him. This could be the catalyst he needed to make his life better with Juliet supporting him!**

**Never give me a gun because everyone will die! (I haven't actually decided her fate yet so bear with me...)**

**_*skips away*_**

**Reviews are like shooting your favorite OC. A poor reflection on my character. I'm such a horrible person.**


	10. Chapter 10

_Right from the start_  
_You were a thief_  
_You stole my heart_  
_And I your willing victim_  
_I let you see the parts of me_  
_That weren't all that pretty_  
_And with every touch you fixed them_

_Now you've been talking in your sleep, oh, oh_  
_Things you never say to me, oh, oh_  
_Tell me that you've had enough_  
_Of our love, our love_

_Just give me a reason_  
_Just a little bit's enough_  
_Just a second we're not broken just bent_  
_And we can learn to love again_  
_It's in the stars_  
_It's been written in the scars on our hearts_  
_We're not broken just bent_  
_And we can learn to love again_

**Just Give Me a Reason:- Pink**

* * *

He'd never been through something like this before. There was so much waiting involved. Was that normal? Was it normal for the nurses to pass them by and give them such sad looks? What the hell did that even mean, anyway? All he wanted was a simple answer. Was his friend alive or not? Was he going to hear the worst possible news or the best? He was tired but he couldn't sleep. He'd heard nothing of the voice since his revelation in the hallway and he was grateful for the peace and quiet that came with the respite.

One thing at a time though.

Both Juliet and Gus were asleep by the time any real news came through for the impatient group. Shawn had been staring blankly at the clock out of boredom, his eyes almost crossing at one point when footsteps had echoed along the hallway outside for the first time in almost two hours. He'd stiffened with anticipation, accidentally nudging Juliet who had been dozing with her head on his shoulder. She'd blinked awake with a snuffle, groaning at the various kinks and pains that shot along her spine. Shawn motioned for her to wake Gus and she did, leaning over to shake his shoulder roughly just as the door opened. The surgeon looked just as exhausted as they were and he was still in his scrubs from surgery by the looks of it. While he tried to ignore what was possibly his friend's blood spattered on the hideous green material, Shawn eyed him closely, trying to work out if the look on his face meant good or bad news.

For once, his skills for reading people were useless because this man was a closed book. No ticks, no shakes, no twitches. He'd be a damn good poker player if the situation ever arose and Shawn couldn't believe that this was what he was thinking while on the brink of receiving life changing news. Shaking himself out of it, he waited patiently for Gus to gather himself and fully wake up, seeing as the Valium was still working on his body and he was groggy. Shawn passed him a cup of water as they all stood up. He wondered why people always did that when a Doctor came into the room with news. Maybe it was a respect thing, he didn't know. He didn't really care either.

It seemed like a silly thing to be focusing on at the moment but he couldn't help himself. All of these stupid, uninteresting thoughts were running through his head and he couldn't shake them off. Why didn't hospitals have Wi-Fi for example? Maybe it was because of the machines he supposed... Fuck, his mind was racing with utter rubbish. He desperately hoped he wasn't on the verge of another breakdown. He didn't need that right now. Juliet was digging the heels of her hands against her eyes to try and wake herself up. She'd barely been sleeping for an hour against him before the Doctor had turned up at long last.

They were all so exhausted that standing up straight seemed like a chore. "I'll take it that you're Miss Armen's family?" the man finally spoke up in a deep baritone that should have made Shawn feel reassured.

It didn't.

When neither Shawn or Gus spoke, Juliet jumped in for them to stop them looking like idiots. "Well, not technically family. Her mother and father are flying out as soon as they can get a flight. We're her friends... Is she okay?" she trailed off rather awkwardly, realizing that the man had been looking for a simple 'yes' or 'no' and not their life story. She couldn't help it. She talked a lot when she was nervous. He'd noticed that about her. While he found it adorable, now wasn't the time to be fawning over his girlfriend's cute traits. So he squeezed her hand instead and waited for the answer they'd been desperate for.

"Well, I have both good news and bad news concerning her current condition."

He gave them a pointed look as though he wanted to know what they wanted to hear first but they were all too tired to play games at this point, so Shawn just let out a frustrated noise and the man continued instead of waiting for further instruction. "Well, at the moment, the _good _news is that she's out of surgery and we managed to repair most of the damage that the bullet did." That _was_ good news. The knot of tension between his shoulder blades eased a little, but they all knew that it wasn't as simple as that. It never was.

Shawn braced himself for the bad news that was going to follow. He suddenly wished he'd spoken up earlier and asked for the bad news first because now all they could cling to was the fact that at least she was alive. There were so many things that could be worse than death. She could need help breathing for the rest of her life. She could have been paralyzed or be in a coma for all they knew. Just because she was alive didn't mean she was safe just yet. His stomach churned and he heard a whisper race through his head. He ignored it bravely and went back to focusing on the Doctor.

"Now, it's time for the bad news I'm afraid. I think you should probably take a seat for this," the older man said softly and motioned to the uncomfortable plastic chairs that they'd been occupying for the last several hours.

As much as they didn't want to, they all sat heavily. The air in the room was tense and was making Shawn feel sick to his stomach.

It made for difficult breathing and he could feel his chest tighten worryingly. This was how a panic attack usually started but Juliet clutched his hand almost too tightly and it meant that he could keep a level head for a little while. Gus was looking as though he was going to pass out too and Shawn wanted to comfort him some more, but he was too far away and his body seemed to be made of lead. He couldn't move or focus on anything but the Doctor's face. "I'm not going to tip-toe around the fact that this is a very dangerous period of wait and see that we're going through. I can't lie to you. She's lost a lot of blood- and I mean _a lot_ of blood. These next few hours are critical to whether or not she'll pull through."

There was more silence as the news sank in, slowly and painfully like a knife between the ribs. Shawn fisted a hand in his hair and stood up suddenly and loudly, spinning away from any touches or stares and facing out of the window to hide the horror on his face. The Doctor seemed unfazed by his reaction. He probably saw this day after day. He heard Juliet ask softly, "So, what are her chances?" in a very small voice. The awkward question that they'd all been avoiding up until now. He tensed again and he could feel the muscles in his shoulders going into spasm but he didn't care.

"Being generous, I'm willing to put it at fifty-fifty at this exact moment. But, if she can make it past nine o'clock which is about four hours away," he motioned to the clock on the wall next to them. "Then her chances should start to improve. I'm sorry I couldn't give you better news but this was all I had. We lost her once on the operating table but thankfully her heart started beating again. She's strong and we're all hoping that she'll make it. I'm sorry this had to happen to you kids..." When no-one replied, he gave a swift nod of understanding. They wanted to have some privacy to take everything in. "Look, I'll leave you alone for a while but I'll be back if there are any changes in her status."

His chair squeaked horribly on the lino and he cleared his throat as he left the room, leaving the door swinging behind him. Shawn leaned his head against the cold glass of the window and stared along the hallway. He was watching a family, very different to theirs just along the way. They were crying, distraught almost with grief. They hadn't gotten the news they'd wanted either. His eyes filled with sorrow as he watched them cling to each other while a nurse attempted to herd them all somewhere so they could grieve in privacy.

Would that be them in a few short hours of she didn't wake up?

How could people go out there and actually point a gun at someone, then have the nerve to pull the trigger? Didn't they know that it was a human being they were about the murder? That the person on the receiving end of that bullet had a family and friends who loved them? They weren't just about to destroy one life but many. Who could live with themselves after doing something like that? You couldn't just pull someone's world to the ground and go home to sleep soundly at night. He rested his forehead against the window. The kid down the hallway can't have been more than seven, clinging to his crying mother's leg and not really understanding what was going on. Poor guy was probably wondering where his dad was...

Shawn swallowed the lump that rose in his throat, feel tears burn the corners of his eyes. He heard his girlfriends chair move as she got up to comfort him. Juliet pulled him away from the window by the hand, stroking his cheek with her fingertips and tracing his cheekbone soothingly. Looking at those warm blue eyes, he shuddered at the thought of anything like this happening to her. To his Juliet. He would kill anyone who came near her and he knew it. That instinct deep down to protect what he loved told him that he would take a million bullets for her.

"It's not fair," he muttered softly at first while she comforted him. He was so angry at the world and it showed on his face, flashed through his eyes as his brow furrowed with anxiety.

"I know baby. I know..." she soothed, her voice filled with understanding while she kept him as calm as she could.

"No, no! It's _not fair_," he protested, trying to push her away weakly. What if something happened to her? To Gus? How could anyone know the fear he felt? He didn't even have the strength left in his bones to fight properly but he could feel the fire in his belly, feel the tingle of rage creep along his spine. He wanted to hit something, wanted to find the lowlife who had gunned his friend down and slam his fist into him again and again. He wanted to scream at him that he'd been getting better, his life had been going so well until that bastard had pulled the trigger and threatened to tear it all down.

He struggled against Juliet's firm grip, trying to get away for a moment so that he wouldn't hurt her in his anger. He wanted to punch a wall and scream and shout and ask why shit like this kept happening to them. What was so special about them in particular? They were good people despite their appearances. They didn't murder or steal or break the law. They just kept to themselves in their own little corner of the world, nice and private. Away from other people and the cruelty of the world. Why did they deserve more pain on top of all that they'd had? From being unable to pay the bills and the voices in his head, to having people they helped turn on them and bite them in the ass when they least expected it.

How was that fair? It wasn't. So he kept saying it. Kept justifying his anger because no-one should have to deal with this much shit in the space of one life. Juliet pulled him against her roughly as his struggling ceased, his face buried into her neck and his big arms embracing her in return as he finally accepted her comfort. "Not fair," he blubbered, his shoulders shaking and her hand drawing gentle circles over the expanse of his back. He gave up fighting her comforting grasp and fell into it instead, his body sagging in her arms as all of his strength finally evaporated and left him.

"Shhh love. I know it's not fair," she stroked his hair and when she led him back to the seats that they weren't leaving until they got more news, he promptly fell asleep against her. The exhaustion finally took over and he let it engulf him, his head lolling against her shoulder like hers had not an hour before. He was so tired.

So very, very tired of fighting.

* * *

It was eleven o'clock, two hours of knife edge tension, before more news finally reached them. Shawn had managed to sleep for a while, albeit restlessly because he'd tossed and turned on the makeshift bed that they'd created out of plastic chairs. His whole body ached and he could tell that his beautiful Juliet wasn't doing much better. She winced with nearly every movement she made and she groaned loudly, arching her back so that every vertebrae popped. He reached out, placing a hand the small of her back and managing a strained smile that didn't reach his eyes. She leaned over and kissed his cheek just as Gus arrived back from the coffee machine for the sixth time that night. He passed out the cups he'd brought back and they thanked him, sleep making their voices thick and weary.

"Anyone heard anything while I was away?" he asked, suppressing a yawn of his own. Shawn shook his head, pushing his unruly hair from his eyes as he stood.

"Nothing. I mean, what's taking so long? I thought they would come and get us at nine like they said... Maybe something happened," he groaned at the thought of more worry arriving, but Juliet stopped the thought dead with a small hand on the back of his neck to ease him. He was grateful. He probably wouldn't be holding up this well if she hadn't have been there with him. He was going to repay her when it was all over. He was going to give her everything she'd ever dreamed of because she more than deserved it. He would give her a palace if he could; give her her a mansion with a fucking unicorn if she asked for it.

More importantly though, he was going to take her home and make love to her for as long as they wanted to. If this had taught him even one measly little lesson, it was to live for the moment- because you might not be here to make the most of it again. So, he was going to stop being so scared of fucking up and he was going to make sure she felt every single emotion he felt for her. Every feeling of love and adoration. He was done wasting time. She was still playing with the hairs on the base of his skull as she stared out of the window in thought and she didn't expect the deep kiss he pulled her into. He teased her mouth open with his tongue, meeting hers as she gave a surprised moan into him. If it hadn't been for Gus's uncomfortable coughing fit, he might not have been able to stop. She didn't ask him why he'd had the sudden urge to kiss her senseless all of a sudden because she could read him like a book an she knew why already.

So he kissed the side of her head and turned away to walk away.

It was just as he made it over to the door, that a small, very busy looking nurse burst through the door in a no-nonsense fashion, almost taking him off his feet with the heavy wood as she arrived. She seemed unconcerned with the fact that she'd almost killed him with a door and instead stood in front of Juliet and promptly handed her a piece of paper to sign. Juliet took the pen from her while throwing confused glances at the men at the same time. They were both as clueless as she was and they shrugged behind the little woman's back.

She must have noticed their bewilderment. "Just a few insurance forms that we need a signature for. Miss Armen is awake now and she asked that I give them to the '_sensible looking one_'. Her words exactly," she smiled and even though it didn't quite fit her face, it was the most reassuring smile they'd seen all night long. The tension was sucked out of the room as everyone simultaneously sagged in relief. So she was awake and making jokes apparently. If she made the thing into a giant joke then Shawn would kill her himself he swore silently. This wasn't funny and she better not just act like nothing had happened. "I'm sure you've all been kept waiting quite long enough. We're sorry for the delay of any news but there are only five nurses on staff this morning and we've been rushed off of our feet as you can see," she motioned to her once neat hair that was falling out of the bun and her tired eyes.

"We're just worried about our friend..." Juliet explained softly, and the woman nodded in understanding. She was much nicer than the Doctor who had told them about Chloe all those hours ago. His bedside manner could have used a lot of work. "Can we see her?" she continued tentatively and the nurse deliberated for a moment, checking the chart in her hand before making a humming sound as she went over the figures on the page.

"She'd been in and out of consciousness which is understandable because of the pain medication, but she's a little more alert than she was an hour ago. She's out of any immediate danger as we speak but we do need to keep an eye on any changes in her vitals. It'll be a while before she'll be allowed to leave and a bit longer before she'll be back to her normal self. I'll ask that you don't stay too long and try to keep the conversation away from anything that will cause distress," she explained, keeping her tone firm but reassuring.

All the small group really heard out of the whole conversation was that yes, they could see her now.

Gus was the first through the door, even before the nurse and he had to mutter an apology for almost pushing her out of they way seeing as he didn't actually know what ward she was in. The nurse gave him a concerned look but carried on, keeping up a quick pace that they practically had to jog to keep up with. Shawn could feel relief coursing through him and the from the way Juliet squeezed his hand as they walked, he could tell she was just as glad to have received a bit of good news after such a horrible nights wait. They followed along every twist and turn in the long winding hallways, past endless wards and up what seemed like a thousand stairs because the lifts were occupied. Shawn realized with some surprise that it was indeed daylight outside now.

He kept forgetting that it was eleven in the morning, his thoughts still with the night time they'd left behind. It felt like an eternity before they were standing outside of the private room that held Chloe inside. The nurse gave them a quick nod and motioned for them to head on inside. There was no time like the present after all. Shawn went in first because Gus was suddenly reluctant and Juliet pushed him forwards instead.

The room was bright in contrast to the blue blankets on the bed but Chloe stood out, pale and weak in the center of a mass of pillows. She raised a hand weakly in greeting when he wandered inside, a smile tugging at the corner of her mouth at the sight of her friend. Shawn was terrified. He'd never seen her like this before. She looked so fragile, so different from the leather wearing, loud mouthed badass that she usually was by day. He was so used to her being the strong one, the one to tell him to pull himself together. As Juliet and Gus finally followed him, they all stood in awkward silence as she stared back at them. "You all look like you've seen a ghost. Do I look that bad?" she joked quietly and the tension dissolved instantly. She was still the same rough person inside as she always had been.

They didn't hesitate after that, moving forwards to the seats that had been set out for them, Juliet grabbing one hand and Shawn taking the other while Gus stayed at the foot of the bed. Chloe even had the strength to look amused at their behavior. "H-how do you feel?" Shawn asked tentatively, scared in case he didn't like the answer.

"Like I was shot," she croaked, her throat dry and her mouth feeling icky after the anesthetic. Juliet poured a little water into a plastic cup and helped her drink. She was grateful and told her so. "Thanks. Feel like I've been eating sandpaper..." she informed them, making a face. "When can I go home?" Her next question was a little more difficult for them to answer. Juliet glanced at Gus and then at her boyfriend, who was staring awkwardly at the covers on the bed, not meeting anyone's eyes. She answered for them.

"The Doctor's said it might not be for a while. The damage was pretty serious," she said and Chloe looked pained, more so than she had when they arrived the first time. She didn't comment on it though, her eyes focusing on Gus again. She seemed confused that he was keeping his distance a little bit. He clearly didn't want to get too close.

"Hey man. Sorry I bled all over you," she motioned gently to his clothes. Gus looked like he was going to cry when she spoke and ever the one for sensing the problem, Chloe knew right away what was wrong with him. He'd been quiet as could be in the waiting room, while Shawn and Juliet had tried to keep the conversation going to fill in the hours ahead of them at the time. She narrowed her eyes a little bit and Shawn was pleased to see a little of her old self creep back onto her weak face. "Burton Guster, don't you dare blame yourself for what happened to me." Chloe used more energy in that sentence that she had, but it didn't slow her down at all.

"I should have gone out with the money. It was my job and I was too busy reading stupid comic books to be bothered," he choked up, unable to meet anyone's eye. Shawn looked at him with sorrow on his face. Gus blamed himself even though he could never have known something like this would happen. He must have kept quiet around he and Juliet in case they pointed the finger of blame at him and wished for him to be here instead of Chloe. Like they ever would.

"Gus, shut up. It's not your fault that some drug addled jack ass decided now was a great time to rob someone at gunpoint. It's even less of your fault that I told him where to go instead of just handing over the money like the big mouth I am. So, if you keep up the blame game, I'm afraid I'm going to have to kill you. As long as you promise to come over here and hold my arms up for me while I choke you to death," she smirked. Gus's bottom lip trembled as he finally squeezed her hand softly. She squeezed back before glancing at Shawn properly for the first time. "What about you Spencer? Holding up okay? If he gets out of line Juliet, just pull his hair. He's like a little girl about his hair."

"Stop joking please," Shawn asked softly, his eyes shutting because just this once, he wanted her to take it seriously. He wanted her to acknowledge the fact that she'd almost died on them. That she had died once on the operating table. Chloe sighed tiredly and Shawn could see that the conversation was beginning to take it's toll on her.

"Can you guys wait outside please? I need to have a talk with Shawn," she asked, motioning to Juliet and Gus. They nodded right away, Juliet kissing Shawn goodbye before leading Gus out of the door and shutting it behind her. Shawn wondered what there was to talk about, seeing as she wasn't going to admit how close she'd been to death. But he would talk all she wanted because it was good to hear the sound of her voice.

Chloe waited for the click that resounded through the room before making a pained face as she pushed herself up a little bit more. The pillows shifted and Shawn reached out to help her but she batted him away impatiently. She was going to be such a fun patient for the nurses to deal with. He could see it now. "Okay, talk to me Spencer. You seem like you're holding up much better than I thought you would to be honest. Something is bugging you though and it's not the hole through my stomach, it it?" she patted his hand, drawing a sigh from him as he shook his head. He was doing better than he'd been giving himself credit for apparently but she could see through him as easily as she always could. He finally tore his eyes away from the scratchy woolen bed covers to meet her gaze.

"I'm okay."

"Stubborn jackass," was her reply. He shook his head, lips twitching. "You and I are so much alike you know. A bit battered and a bit bruised but still good deep down inside. When you look at yourself in the mirror Shawn, you see all these things that you think are wrong with you and those voices in your head torment you day and night. But look at me," she requested when his eyes fell again. He did as she said. "They're wrong Shawn and they'll always be wrong because you are a _good man_. I refuse to believe any different. If you'd have been there today I know for a fact that you would have taken that damned bullet for me because that's the type of guy you are and if anyone ever tries to make you believe anything else, I'll kill them," she squeezed his hand and he nodded.

"I know you would. I know," he whispered. "I know I'm going to get a little stupid here but... you're like my big sister aren't you? Always have been. I wish I'd had someone like you there when I was growing up. You've always had my back. With those assholes at the bar and with people who belittled me or made me feel like crap. You've never made me feel like an idiot or like I wasn't worth anything."

"Then you should know that I'm not going anywhere just yet," she motioned to her bullet wound. "I still have a brother to look after right? Because no matter what Shawn, I'm always going to be behind you and I promise that I will never not be there to help you up when you fall."

He choked out a laugh through the hot tears on his cheeks. "I- I'm getting better Chloe. Aren't I? I'm really getting better."

"Yeah, you are kid. You really are. All because of her," her eyes flickered towards the windows where Juliet and Gus stood with their backs to them as they gave them some privacy. She smiled wide and while it was strained because of the pain from her gut, it reached her eyes and made her face warm. Warmer than he'd ever seen it before. Shawn found himself smiling as well as he watched his beautiful girlfriend through the window for a moment, the silence around them only broken by the steady beep of machines.

It was a few long minutes before Chloe found the energy to speak again but Shawn could tell her strength was waning and she heading towards unconsciousness again. He wouldn't stay much longer so she could get some proper rest. "So, before I kick you out and sleep for the next week, I want to ask you something."

"I'm not sneaking you any booze in," he immediately stopped that train of thought and she managed a chuckle, however quiet it was.

"Nothing like that, I promise. I'm not quite that bad yet," they laughed together because they both knew that the rule would be broken at some point during her stay. "Nah. I want to ask you about that amazing woman you have out there. That girl is the best damn thing that has ever happened to you Shawn Spencer. I've never met anyone like her. They way she talks about you is so... so full of adoration and love that it actually made me choke up a little. I was glad when you interrupted us that day when we were making cocktails, because I was about to crack. The way she speaks about you, you would think that you made the sun just for her in a tool shed." Chloe didn't look away from Juliet as she spoke and Shawn swallowed as he listened.

"I don't think I even need to mention the way you look at her. That speaks for itself doesn't it? So you listen to me and you'd better listen well because I know that sometimes I don't give the best advice and sometimes I take the piss, but- you're the man that any woman would be proud to call hers and you're the man that I'm so fucking proud that I can call my little brother. Take my advice. You need to keep that girl forever. You need to hold onto her and never let her go because she is the best thing that has ever happened to you. Look at you, how far you've come in just a few weeks because she believed in you. Treat her well and make sure you tell her you love her every damn day. Take her home and make love to her. Marry her and have kids. Grow old together and hold hands on your front porch. Maybe that bullet knocked some sense into me because I don't know why I've never told you this before. Promise me Shawn, right here and right now. You promise me."

He didn't even blink as he looked her dead in the eye. "I promise." He wiped his damp cheeks with the back of his sleeve as she relaxed back into the mountain of pillows that were holding her up. She may have looked small to him when he'd first arrived but now- now she looked like she could take on the world and win.

"Good boy. Now get out there and go home. Sleep, take a shower and eat something before you waste away. I'm sure Juliet can help you with the showering and sleeping part as well," she winked and he rolled his eyes happily. How she even had the strength to joke he would never know. "Keep the club closed for a few days until we get ourselves straightened out okay? I'll be able to think a little straighter when I'm not doped to the eyeballs with painkillers," she smirked as her eyelids drooped a bit. Shawn pushed his chair out, not daring to disobey an order like that. He leaned forward and before she could protest, pressed a kiss to the top of her head.

He'd always wanted a big sister and he supposed he could do a lot worse than someone who would gladly take a bullet for him. He looked out of the window at Juliet and Gus, who were still waiting patiently in the hallway for him to return. This was what he'd always wanted. A family. That's what they were, no matter how dysfunctional they appeared to the outside world. They didn't need to outside world when they had each other.

He bid her goodbye just as she was dozing off and he slipped out quietly into the hallway, Before Juliet could say a word to him though, he'd swept her up into his arms in a bear hug to rival all hugs. He buried his face into her neck, pressing his lips to her sweet skin and simply melting into her taste and her smell. He loved her so much and for the first time since he'd met her, he felt like he actually _deserved _her. Her arms wound around his neck as she hummed contentedly against him, body curved against his bigger frame.

"I love you baby," he muttered against her and a breathy gasp escaped her lips because he'd never said that to her before. "You're the most precious thing I have and..." he pulled back a little to cup her face in his hands. "I'm never letting you go." Her smile could have lit up the whole hospital and then some. Gus didn't even have the heart to clear his throat and ruin the romantic moment. Juliet leaned forwards and kissed her boyfriend, not caring in the slightest that anyone could walk by and see them. She poured everything she had into it, lips slanted against his.

When she pulled back, leaving him breathless, her forehead rested against his warmly. "I love you too Shawn." He pulled her back into him. He was never going to stop telling her now that they'd both admitted it. He would tell her for the next thousand years and then the thousand years after that as well. Forever.

From inside the private room, head against the cool pillows, Chloe smiled contentedly.

* * *

**A/N: Ehem... remember me guys? Heh... I can't apologize enough for how long this has taken me to put up but I was sort of out exploring the world! Yeah, for the last month and a half I've been with my mates in various places, living it up and seeing a load of wonderful crap before I go back to college in September! I turned twenty-one a few weeks back and I'm just home for a week before I take off again for another little while. But fear not! This time, my laptop is going with me because I swear to God, I had withdrawal symptoms last time, ha!**

**I was going to finish the one-shot for NAPOS first, but I figured this one had been left for far too long and decided to get this one out first. Next chapter will be the last and yes, there will be that long awaited smut because you guys are certainly owed some right?**

**Thanks so much for sticking with me all this way, you wonderful lot. What would I do without you?**

**Reviews are like almost getting hit by a car in Paris. Exhilarating and terrifying all at the same bloody time!**


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